Have been in "recovery" for a month and it is terrible. I have done everything to make the M work and in return I get nothing. I am very unhappy and FWH doesn't seem to care.

Yesterday was our 6 year anniversary. I get no card, no dinner-- nothing!!! I had a migrane and still had to make dinner. H did nothing to make me feel special. I ended up going to bed early and cried myself to sleep.

FWH has expressed that he does not love me anymore and doesn't know how to get those feelings back. The problem is is that he is doing nothing to try. We spend no special time together, refuses MC, and shows no affection.(My biggest need). When I talk to him I get nowhere.

Do I just need to give this more time?
What scares me is that I am starting to feel very resentful for everything and my love bank is draining quick.
HELP -- I'm ready to quit.

CoolDuck,
I just wanted to give you a hug....((((CoolDuck))))

I haven't followed your story so sorry if these comments aren't apropos....

Is your H still in withdrawal? Sounds like it. How long since DDay? A month in recovery isn't long. Are you going to counseling yourself? Sometimes a H will see the posative effects on a spouse and will go.

I'm sorry I have to go. I'll be back later tonight or tomorrow,

cwmac

Cwmac,
Background for you
1rst Dday was 6/03 -- "They had spent time together as friends" dummy me wanted to believe that
Real Dday was in March -- found out about PA
Both of us have been to IC. H thinks that screwed us up. We tried MC, went twice, but H was still in contact.
FWH moved out 3 times before I had enough and made an appointment with an attorney. H was willing to "try" at this point. Claims there is no contact, but they do work together.
H has done nothing to try. I have been as close to perfect as I can. Recently I have been LB because I am so unhappy and can't see my life continuing this way. I feel so lost.

coolduck - As long as he has contact with her, you will not be able to recover.

Hey there CD, how are ya doing tonight…. Ok, dumb question… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I’m not too sure what to tell you here, and in respect to full disclosure… I’m probably not the one to be giving you advice as my WW is gone and we are scream’n towards the big “D”… however, as one who would absolutely kill to be in your spot (with respect to recovery that is…) I would hate to see you give up on this so soon.

I have heard recovery and withdrawal, at least during the onset, described as picking up plan A right were it left off… with all the pain and frustration that came with it. Basically the theory is that one does plan A until they can’t stand feeling like a door mat any longer… then you drop plan A and go to plan B. I’m not sure if you did either plans A or B… but it sounds like the pain and feelings of neglect are surely there for you. I think some of the MB veterans would probably advise doing a stellar plan A for now. Give it some time… in SAA, Harley states that withdrawal usually lasts about 3 months…. 3 MONTHS!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That means he will be thinking of her for the next 90 days and is resentful that he no longer has her… that YOU made him give up having those needs met… Now, obviously you and I both know that YOU didn’t do any of this to him… he did. But it takes a while for the fog to clear. And, it will get better as time goes on. He will think about her less and less, and will allow you to meet his needs more and more. This is good, this is what you want. The more he lets you meet his needs, the more likely he will be to meet yours. Again… I can’t speak from experience here, just what I’ve read.

This will only work though if he has truly ended contact… and keeps NC. I don’t see how that is possible if they work together. I would think that if he truly wants the M to work, he would be willing to change jobs… and if I were you I would insist on it. Now, if he doesn’t preserve NC… then my gut reaction would be to toss him out and go to plan B immediately… (MB lifers… feel free to correct me on this one…) At this point, if he is still in contact with OW… you need to protect yourself from this and protect him (yes I said protect him… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ) from your LB’s. Read on this site about the 4 rules to marriage… the key here being the rule of protection. That is the reason for you to be in plan B.

Just my opinions here… given my gut reaction to what you wrote… anyone out there feel free to set me straight if I’m off base. But look… you have a real opportunity here that so many of us are just dreaming to have some day. I would give anything for my WW to come home and want to try on “us”… just try. No promises… just some effort. Please don’t give up on this so soon. Your DD deserves to have her family intact… do it for her.

Has he ended contact?

I believe there is no contact (as much as I can believe anything these days). Quitting the job isn't an option. Although I would love for it to be, since H doesn't always like it and I think it is a big source of stress for him.

We have become more roommates the last week. There has been no SF for two weeks. No displays of affection since I quit them when I was told by him that he doesn't love me and doesn't care to show affection.

The way I am seeing it is that I have 3 choices
1. I don't do anything and ride it out and see if he comes around. i don't think he will and I'm very unhappy being neglected. It's like our M was before the A. I know I won't be making any deposits in his love bank.

2. I try to show affection to him. Sometimes it works, but when I get rejected it is terrible. It is also hard when I don't get any in return. It wears me out. i may be making deposits in his love bank, but mine will be drained

3. I quit and file for D and begin my life over looking for someone who cares about meeting my needs and my feelings. And if I don't find that I'm not sure that I ever will staying in this M.

I fought so hard to save this M that I hate to give up. At first I only fought for our DD's sake, but then I saw things in him that I remembered that I loved and I truely wanted him back. Now I am only seeing the person that causes me pain and that could care less about me. i don't know what to do anymore and H doesn't ever say anything to help me.
I think I could walk away and he wouldn't care except for our DD. He knows I am unhappy and yet he does nothing. I am so depressed. My Dr. upped my Lexapro, but i know that only takes the edge off.
I don't even know how to begin talking to him to make him understand or if i should just back off. Any suggestions??

I think he is still in contact with her, and having contact put a big lump in recovery. Recovery can start for you, but not until he stop contact. When you decided to contacted a lawyer, he had a reality check about his marriage, he sees that you were serious about a divorce.
This part is up to your husband, but if you have the strenght, keep up plan A. Rejection can feel bad, me, I need affection, its one of my needs, but see when if I don't get it when I want, I get bitter very fast and love deposit get witdrawn really fast if you're like me. I'm sorry you are dealing this, but I suggest you start doing things for you! I don't know its like a "take care of me plan" I still suggest you keep up with Plan A as difficult as it may gets..
I don't know.. pull out the old photo albums. Do something that is time consuming with your husband, like take him away for a while. I'm sorry about your anniversary.. now you need to have a chat with him about your needs.... and keep reminding him. Also find out what his needs are. It's easy to just give up on your marriage. ANd just accept then you're all miserable! It's not worthit! That's not a marriage.
Please take care of you. Get your hair done, nails, take a long bath, have a glass of wine. Whatever will make you happy and not just your Husband, sometimes we need to do things for us. Then talk to your H when he comes home at night or suggest you do a puzzle together, and see how things go. If he refuses, just talk to him about how you feel.

As long as you can keep Plan A..keep it, but if can't .. go to plan B (easier said than done).

I went to the mall today and bought some really sexy young clothes the kind I was sure H would like. I was thinking that it might be nice to go away for the weekend and thought I would mention it over dinner. He comes home from work and mentions that he might have to work this weekend. So I casually say well I quess that means we can't go away this weekend. He responds "go away with me. you don't even like me. Who are we trying kid here this is never going to work?" I start to cry which makes him mad. I am at the end of the line. Do I really deserve to be treated like a nothing?? What am I doing wrong?

CD,
you're not doing anything wrong. I think NC may really be in affect because his withdrawal is clearly obvious. He's in the depth of it right now. He can only feel his own pain, he isn't even capable of seeing yours.
Of course you feel angry, and want to give up sometimes, it's natural (trust me, twice a week, trying to kick the habit myself).
Give this more time. Don't LB. Start thinking about HOW you say things. This was an issue with my H that I didn't know was an issue until NOW. It's sometimes in the words you choose. He said he had to work, you said, "I guess we're not going away than".... THIS IS WHAT HE HEARD ... IT'S ALL HIS FAULT YOU CAN'T GO AWAY BECAUSE HE HAS TO WORK.

I KNOW this isn't what you said, and certainly not what you meant, but he sounds a lot like my H is that regard, and that is exactly what MY H would have heard.

Come here for your venting, your LB, STAY in Plan A, and think about wording things with I statements. For example, " I'm sorry you have to work this weekend, it would have been nice to get away, maybe another weekend!"

I KNOW !!!!!!! But remember, we chose this road, and sometimes it's really sucky. I believe you can have a great marriage again, this is just a blip on the radar, compared to what you'll have for the future. Stay strong my friend.