Hi there,
Quick background on my story:

I am the BS and I am 35 yo; my partner is 39 and he is the WS. We are not married, been together for 3 years and living together for 1.5 years. His affair was with a co-worker and lasted 6 months; during that time they slept together around 8 times and they were friends before the affair. I learnt about the affair by a letter written by the OW and sent to me when WS broke up with her. That was exactly 10 weeks ago – 20th of April.

Since then a lot has happened and she hasn’t stopped pestering us, but they are definitely not together and I don’t think he wants to be with her (she has shown her true colours). WS can see the pain he has caused me, despite my best attempt of Plan A.

We will execute Plan B for a couple of weeks and it is hurting both of us. Last night when we talked about the separation he seemed extremely upset and cried a lot; he told me all these great things about me, and how I am the best partner he ever had, and yada yada and when we went to sleep he held me very tightly as we cuddled. I am very confused about his behaviour; if he is the one that needs some time off to think about what he wants from our relationship, why all this drama and tears? He has never ever had an affair before and it is very guilty and sorry about it. I think he is questioning how much he wants to commit to me; I think that because he had an affair he is questioning if we are really meant to be together and it is ‘what ifing’?

Any ideas?

Why would you go into Plan B? The purpose of Plan B is to end the affair and protect the BS from an ongoing affair. That is not the case here.

You have a willing partner who desires to work on your relationship and repair the damage. Seperating sure won't help anything, it will just hurt it. If you want to resolve this, you need to be together, not apart.

Has he TOTALLY ended contact? Is he willing to send her a letter telling her the affair was wrong and to never ever contact him again?

A real good book to get is Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. I don't know why he had this affair, but it might give you some insights about why it happened so he can prevent it from happening again.

Is he the one who wants to seperate?

Yes, he is the one who wants some time to think...

What this almost always means is that the WS wants to move out to pursue the affair unimpeded. There are rarely other valid reasons since it is of absolutely no benefit to your relationship. If he were committed to repairing the damage, he would stay there. He can't very well repair the damage if he is not there. He can "think" at home just as well as anywhere else.

I am just telling you this so you can be prepared for this very likely possibility.

Also, Plan B is a program that is strictly for the BS, not a mutually executed program.

If I were you, I would focus on 2 things right now:

1. Doing everything you can to end his affair, up to and including exposing it

2. Going into Plan A.

<small>[ June 29, 2004, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

oops!

<small>[ June 29, 2004, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Last night was the same drama; lots of tears, wouldn't let my hand go, held me tightly as we cuddled in bed...I told him that as much as I love being touched and held by him, I think he is making it harder for both of us when we separate on Sunday. I am not sure how to behave until Sunday! We are in MC and he is in IC. I have already read 'After the Affair' by Janis Abrahms Spring and he (WS) is reading it. Any ideas on what's going on? Is this what people call 'fog'?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WillBeHappy:
<strong> Any ideas on what's going on? Is this what people call 'fog'? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I imagine he is very confused right now. I would use every opportunity to meet his needs and just hope that he doesn't move. It will be much harder to repair the relationship if he is gone. And like I said earlier, they almost ALWAYS move out to resume the affair.

Thanks MelodyLane.

The OW has been transferred to work in another city.She went absolutely nuts when he broke up with her and she is a nervous wreck - I reckon the bosses realised what was going on and moved her to another city. I know he is confused and VERY guilty and ashamed of it all. I will be going to "house sit" a friend's place and he will stay in our unit (not sure if that was the best idea, it was my idea); then he has to go to Canada for a week on business - that will give us 2 full weeks apart. If he needs more time, then he will have to move somewhere else. As far as I am concerned, he broke up with me - when I mentioned this to him last night he looked puzzled and more tears, and more I love you stuff.

No contact with him will be extremly hard; since we have been together we speak every day no matter where we are, but I will stick to it.

It has been very sad for both of us. I have forgiven him and he says he hasn't forgiven himself - that's part of our problem I guess.

This is an amazing board; so sad to see so many people going through this pain.