Hi there everyone i am in such a bind. For those of you who don't know i started Plan A on Monday last week and things went well for the week. On Saturday however my H went out with OW and i couldn't handle it.

I tried calling his cell, ofcourse he never answered. He didn't stay at her house for the night as he normally does but non the less i was terribly hurt.

I can't seem to understand how someone could be there loving you one minute and then hurt you the next.

He is still insisting that he wants us (the children and i) in his life but his actions don't say that. I am just so lost and hurt.

I also reneged on Plan A as i started off talking to him about how his actions made me feel but then he started acting like he did nothing wrong so i lost it. I now have to start all over again.

Can some one who has done Plan A successfully plese tell me how to deal with it when he goes to be with her. Help Help Help

I've been in Plan A since January. Obviously I am not sucessful. I am ready to move to Plan B. All I did was to ignore his action and move on my own. It is extremely hard, but you can do it.

Hi Sindy,

I discovered WH affair on Dec 31,2003. I confronted him Jan 2nd, 2004. He told me affair was over. From his treatment of me I think affair continued in January and March. In April he took OW home to her parents three hours away. He lied to me and told me he was visiting his own parents. He claimed to be sleeping on floor of OW parents house. She is pregnant. Recently he went to save his baby because she is on crack. He spent the night in a hotel in her town. I told him that this was wrong. He told me he slept alone and he did not see how it was wrong. I told him that I could not be 100% sure that he was telling the truth and that he might put my health at risk by having SF with him. I tried to tell him no but my attraction to him is too strong. Anyhow I know how much it hurts. I do not know how to give you advise. I empathize with you. It is so very hard. I don't have friends to hang out with so it really sucks. If he refuses to discontinue his affair maybe you could kick him out of the house and try plan A that way if you cannot resist him and you fear for your health. I think that is what JT2 and Albany are doing. Maybe they can help you.

Sindy,

It helps me to remember something Jesus said- 'to love expecting nothing in return' .

Also stay close to God. Tell him how you feel, and listen for his guidance on everything; what to say, what not to say, to your husband.

Pour your heart out to Him.

And everytime your husband says or does something that is hurtful, stop right there and forgive him. (I mean to God say "I forgive my husband for ___.)

And then pray for your husband.

Do more listening than talking.

Thats how I am coping.


Remember what James said about winning them over without a word, by our quiet and gentle spirit.

Shul

Hi

Genia thanks for sharing your situation with me it made me realize that i am not alone and that there are people who understand.

it is just so hard to do but thanks Shul i will take yoyr advise and stay close to God.

Hi Sindy,

I was hopeing somebody else could respond who knew affair was still going on. You see mine is different because my husband keeps me in the dark and I have to play detective to find stuff out. I am just hopeing others will respond to you who are experiencing an affair going on in the open. I just do not know how long you should be expected to live under this pressure. I do not think many people could do it long without lovebusting. I am just trying to bump you up in hopes that somebody with more experience can give you an answer.

Hi Sindy, I'm hurting for you. I did Plan A for 4 1/2 months -- knowing full well that FWS was seeing OW. It was the most excruciating 4 1/2 months of my life.

You need to get a hold of yourself. Stop LB'ing! That is something you need to work on. You need to decide that you will fight for your M no matter what. And unfortunately, you will feel like a doormat for awhile in Plan A. Plan A is not for wimps! You won't believe that we are saying to stand by while your WS goes out with the OW, but if you follow Plan A, you will help end the A.

How did I deal with it? I started to concentrate on myself. I started doing things I like to do. Cuz you see, I was neglecting myself as well as my M when A began. I have a daughter so I didn't want to fall apart on her.

And I posted on MB. When you want to LB, post here! Most of the time, someone will read and offer some encouragement. It was my lifeline. I noticed I would LB when I didn't visit here.

Plan A works, but you have to be serious about making it work.

Sindy,

My husband had an ongoing physical affair for two years, and was also pursuing several other women on the net and in real life.

For part of the time we were together, even after I found out, but for the past 8 months we have lived apart.

The adultery is not the only problem; it is in addition to other destructive behaviors.

My policy has been to bless him when he comes to me, and not to reject him but not to pursue him either.

I am watching him go his own way, and praying that he will finally come to the end of himself and his ways, like the prodigal son.

I am commanded to love him, and forgive him, the same as God has loved me.

And the love is drawing him.

He has experienced some very hard times as a result of his behavior, in the past year, and has pretty much sunk as low as you can go. He feels shame.

He has in a sense, prostituted himself to get his basic needs met, instead of trusting God.

It is the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye-the pride of life.

(The same things we all struggle with).

He wants to be with us, to have a family, but he wanted to get there by doing things that are wrong. Now he has got some of the things he wanted, but it has ended up costing him his self respect, his home, his relationship with his child; all the things of value in his life.

Today I keep thinking of the verse;

' What shall a man give in exchange for his soul?'

He is having to learn this the hard way, but he is learning. God is dealing with him, and he is coming to his senses.

Shul

Hi Sindy,

Hang in there. I am thinking about you. I would buy as many books concerning infidelity as you can. Reading is very helpful. If you can afford counseling that would be good. I cannot afford counseling as my WS does not work. I have started counseling at my church. It is very helpful. I have not told the counselor the actual issues. I am using counseling to help me be a better person.

Hey there. Hang in there. I am going through the exact same thing. My wife says she need her time and space to figure out what she wants in life. She is currently in an affair and says that she does not know if she loves me anymore. We have 2 children and have been married 14 years.We were going to separate but postings here, my pastor said that separation should be the last option. We could not afford an apartment in addition to the mortgage so we will make the garage into a room that way the kids do not have to go through the pain of separation and I am still close to show her my love.Also pastor, the postings and counselor said the bible says to love your wife as christ loved the church. It is hard --real hard to do plan A. It will be worth it if my marriage works out. Love covers over a multitude of sin. People respond to love not condemnation and rejection. Keep conversation to generalities and not when you are going to stop doing what you are doing. I find my wife and I can have good conversation that way. The other way pushes her away/ I get more response out of her that way. she is walking around in a fog and doesnot know what to do but love should clear that up.Pray for continued love and not to have resentment toward your spouse because if that takes root it will be hard to move forward if he comes home. Hang in there I will be praying for you lsu_la@yahoo.com

ditto. sad. true. humbling. hard. possible. tiring. unfair.

God has the power to heal.

praying for you and all who rest here.....

check out the Prayer Request thread too......

PEACE OUT

I think you should hang in there and show your love eventually things will became more clear. A person can't stay in the fog forever. I'm trying my best to take my own advice and not use harsh words or go on rants and rages. Rants and rages will only push your S away. Keep the faith and realize that you catch more bees with honey than vinegar. It's not fair that you have to go thru this and lord knows its going to take patience, but it will be worth it, at least that the conviction I have about my own situaton.

And even if they don't wake up and realize what they are losing you will have developed the skills necessary to be a carrying participant in a relationship.

Good luck and remember you're not alone.

"He is still insisting that he wants us (the children and i) in his life but his actions don't say that. I am just so lost and hurt."

He wants you and the kids as a family ~and~ the freedom to date OW on the side. Cakeman. This is typical. Don't think your H is any different from any other WS ... same old same ole'.

I also reneged on Plan A as i started off talking to him about how his actions made me feel but then he started acting like he did nothing wrong so i lost it. I now have to start all over again.

Telling your H how his actions make you feel ~is~ part of Plan A.

Things like:

~I feel heartbroken when you go out on a date with OW and leave me and the kids home.~
~I feel UN-loved when you are having an affair.~
~My heart hurts so badly by your infidelity.~
~This affair is sucking the oxygen out of our marriage, and I cannot breathe.~

Just try to leave off the yelling.

State what you feel using this as a format .... "I feel this way _____ when this action _____ is going on." No blame placing on him personally, but blaming the behavior/affair.

Can some one who has done Plan A successfully plese tell me how to deal with it when he goes to be with her. Help Help Help

You may want to be gone from home without telling H of your whereabouts next time he does this.

Just take off with the kids for a night. Let him wonder where you are. Before you take off... leave a note, "Gone to spend some alone time. Need to think things over. Be back later. Meatloaf in the fridge. Love, BW."

No threats.... just facts.

Who knows about the affair? Have you exposed?

Pep

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Plan A is awful. I couldn't figure out why Ww was the one that had the A but I was the one that had to do the making up. It does seem unfair but when you step back and really look at it it makes perfect sense. It is hard but it can work.

My WW also continued to love me but could not resist her addition to OM. What I had to do to limit the LBing while she struggled with the addition was to put myself in a mind frame that I did not expect anything in return from WW. By that I mean that I was secretly giving her tests to see if she really did love me. I would evaluate every word and every action and since she was in a fog and didn't know that she was being tested she failed and it made me hurt and angry. When I decided that I would expect nothing and leave it all up to her it helped me find some peace of mind and helped me to focus on other things like myself and my children.

Don't know if this helps but know that we have all been there. Plan A can and does work but it is hard... but as my dear ol' daddy always told me the best things in life are hard son.

Hang in there and always remember IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!