To all of your FWS how were you finally able to break off your affairs (EA/PA)?

Hi Born2bFit,

sorry this post has taken so long, very busy at work today!!!!

i see you were here at the beginning of june, the last post you made was on June 5:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well yesterday afternoon, after I got off this Discussion Board, I talked to (emailed) HIM. We discussed things and ARE going to end this (remember we said this last week, but were together Wednesday). BUT this time we ARE!!!! We have both added each other to the BLOCK list on our computers so we WILL not email! We have to close those lines of communication. We cant use phones because of our spouses anyway). NEITHER one of us want to leave the church and that is ok.. WE can be strong in that setting. He actually starts counseling next week and really wants to work it out with his wife. He said no matter what we feel for each other, what we have done this past year is wrong. AND I agree completely! I know his wife and she is a good woman. She doesnt deserve this! I want them to be happy!! I will say it again... I want THEM to be happy! As far as me and my husband.. I dont know where that will go. Again last night he puts me down, talks negative to me. BUT I will plant seeds of love to him and maybe they will grow. Maybe the love we once had will sprout again and bloom!! I will NOT be moved by what I see, but see by FAITH what GOD says He will do.. and I know if I put my trust in God and stay foccused on Him and His Word, then everything will be ok. Nothing is impossible with him. SO.. lets say I was a FWS and a FOW.. (former).. Wish me luck.. Keep me in your prayers. This will be HARD BUT I will do it. I am sure I will go through withdrawls by missing my lover/because he was also my best friend...BUT when I feel weak or hurt I will remember what is right.. what is RIGHT! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">so how has it been since then??

i know it is hard, i wish i could give you some magic way to make it easy but there is none. this is part of the consequences of the A, there is just nothing else i can say. yes God forgives but He does not take away the consequences.

in my scenerio, i said goodbye to the person more times than i can count and every time hurt. i suspect you have been doing the same thing. it got to be so ridiculous.

for me, since my H was trying to make the marriage better (he did not know about A but he did know i wanted a divorce because i very seriously told him i did), I wanted out of the A and I got to a point where I very much wanted back into the marriage and the only way to do that was to stop the A and then with the help of people here, to confess to H so that I could really feel like the M was real again.

i remember one person saying to me... if you want to take the emphasis off of you and the A and onto your H, confess!!! a truer stmt was never said. i managed to get a few months of no physical contact in before confessing (there was still a few incidents of phone/email contacts) and even after confessing there were a few phone/email contacts and 2 very close calls of physical contact. so you can see it is a process. confessing definitely moved the process along!!! have you had any thoughts about confessing. although maybe i need to ask you a different question first... Do YOU want to stay married to your H?

I'm wondering the same thing, have you confessed?? Or are you trying to do this on your own???

I tried many times to end my A. Couldn't do it, for what ever reason, lack of strength mostly. I needed my H to hold me accountable. I needed his strength to help me.

It was a big risk, but it paid off, he stood behind me, and help me to end it. Well he basically gave me no choice, and I had no way to contact OM. He made it impossible for me to talk to him.

Don't get me wrong OM found ways to contact me, but after I told my H my loyalties shifted and I wanted the cheating part of my life to be over. I was not happy with who I was in the A. I betrayed the 2 people I loved the most, my H and my BF.

The more difficult you make it for yourself the better. The harder it is for you to make contact the easier it will be for you to maintain it.

Time is your friend, and so are we here at MB.

KY

Born2bFit,

I was involved in friendship that became inappropriate/beginning of EA. After my H discovered the inappropriateness of the friendship, I tried to keep the friendship on platonic level and kept my distance from OM. OM couldn’t accept my boundaries and ended the friendship very abruptly. If I look back now I’m glad it happened this way because I don’t know if I would ever have enough strength and willpower to break off the friendship myself. Emotionally I was very attached to OM and this was very unhealthy in so many ways. For 6 months after the friendship was ended, we didn’t try to contact each other at all. That time was very painful and difficult for me and withdrawal was extremely hard… However, those months gave me the chance to get through the worst symptoms of withdrawal and by the time OM contacted me and try to restart the friendship, I was already strong enough to resist and continue with NC.

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 02:43 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

<small>[ July 05, 2004, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: Born2bFit ]</small>

born2befit,

The best course of action is not the easiest. It is the one most likely to result in the A ending and the repair of your M, however.

1. Tell your H
2. With your H, write a NC letter to OM and be sure his W gets a copy.
3. Start working on your M.

Not easy - but you have a lot to gain by following this path, and everything to lose if you don't. Your integrity.

<small>[ July 05, 2004, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: Born2bFit ]</small>

Born2beFit,

Why is your H verbally abusive in your opinion?

cwmac

B2b,

See my post to Fraggles about quitting smoking--same principle applies to ending an affair.

BTW I understand about not telling H but in that case you need to find it in yourself, for your own reasons, to stop having an affair. It kills the soul. It is not what God intends. Regardless of the prognosis for your marriage.