Hi everyone. H has gone to NC with OW but now I am worried about the lack of feelings that I have for my H. I thought that I would be feeling more hopeful, happier somehow but I don't. I don't feel much of anything now.

Has anyone else felt that way?

I don't see him working very hard at the first steps of recovery--to him, I think, giving up contact and being home with me more is enough. If I question him about emotional needs that he might need filling, he tells me that I do it all now--that I don't need to do anything more.

So, what do I do? I know that I have needs that are not being filled, I tell him about them and he tries to meet them for a while, but doesn't stick with them leaving me sad sometimes.

To compound matters, he has broken his arm and I have to do a lot to help him get through his day, in fact, I have to help him do most things. He is to be off work for a few weeks too. I am trying to look at this as a positive thing--an opportunity to be together more (as I am on vacation for the month of July).

Strangely, I feel numb towards him. I have been dreaming wild dreams about living alone and in my dreams I LIKE living alone. I don't put a lot of stock in dreams, but the lack of feeling that I have for him is worrying me so much.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get the love flowing again? It feels like I am running on empty here and I fear that my marriage won't recover because I (who will play the major role in the recovery process) am not in it--emotionally, physically right now. I wonder if I am just wrung out and tired from a challenging few weeks.

Please help me. Your advice is appreciated.

sandy

ALOT of BS's feel this way in the beginning of recovery.

I did.

It doesn't help that he has a broken arm and once again you are left with the majority of everything on your plate. That will pass.

It will be hard for your WS to meet your needs continually until withdrawl passes. My H was the same way.

My H also said the same things your H is saying. That you don't need to do anything else to fill his emotional needs. Men don't seem to be as needy in the emotional department as us women. As a matter of fact....I am far less needy in that department than I used to be.


Be happy that he is willing to meet your needs....even if it slacks off....it happens during withdrawl. I would worry more if he wasn't putting forth any effort at all.

I found out that in the beginning of recovery I just wanted to quit. The feelings weren't there for me either. I realized that it was because I expected my H to fix everything and I was waiting for him to do it. He couldn't because he was still working on his own issues. He had to work through those before he could put in 100%.

As for myself. It took me a little while to realize that I wasn't taking his feelings into account and that I had to just back off for a little while. Let him work on himself as I couldn't help him. He couldn't help me at that point either.

After my H worked through whatever it was that he was going through...(he isn't a big talker) it began to get better. He began working on making things better and I began feeling better about everything......it all just sorta clicked one day.

Recovery can't work with ONE person doing the majority of the work. BOTH people have to put in 110%.

I seriously considered divorce in the beginning of recovery because my feelings didn't seem to be getting any better. I had to sit down and ask myself what I wanted. When it came down to it....I wanted my H and my marriage.

I had to be willing to forgive everything that had happened....and focus on the future that I wanted....not the past that had been handed to me without my permission. I had to make it what I wanted it to be. If he followed me all the better.....but if he fell behind.....well....that's where he was going to stay. I couldn't live in the dome any longer.

Luckily....my H fell into step with me.

Thanks for your response Miss P. What you say makes a lot of sense. I guess that I am going to have to back off and let things be. I know that I am going to have to work on not LBing and keeping relaxed and patient.

I sound like a kid but I want to see some major things being done on his part but as you say, I may have to wait until HE is ready. Going NC and quitting the bands where OW is must be overwhelming him right now.

What did you do in the meantime while you waited for your H to withdraw and come back to you?

I went to a concert last night and saw the OW there (she plays in the band with him) and I am disappointed at how low I am feeling today. I was hoping that I would feel better and proud of our accomplishment of making it this far.

This didn't happen. I just kept thinking of them together, and watching her laugh and have a great time honestly made me feel sick to my stomach. I could only think of my heartache and the pain over all of these months.

I feel beaten up and a bit bruised. I am extremely quiet today and don't feel like working on my marriage. I think i am exhausted...
Thanks for listening,

Sandy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What did you do in the meantime while you waited for your H to withdraw and come back to you?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I came here and ranted and raved.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ....I'm really quite surprised I'm as sane as I am today.
Though some people would clearly say I'm crazy as a loon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What I tried to do mostly was just take everything as it came. Although it wasn't much I tried to focus on the small efforts that my H WAS able to accomplish and remember those when I felt that he wasn't giving any effort.

LB'ing.....well....I just couldn't help myself. I left a trail of LB's from Indiana to California and back. I don't know when to shut my mouth about anything. I just can't keep things in...though I don't react like I used to.

I never bothered my H at work when I would suspect something.....although I did storm in there once upon a D-Day because I couldn't get through on the company phone. I completely regret doing that as it was enbarrassing to my H....like I cared at the time though.

That's one of the things I've changed that my H loves about me now though. I used to let people walk all over me. I used to just take it and keep my mouth shut to try to please everybody.

I mostly tried to work on things that I still wanted to change about myself when my H was in withdrawl. I was already at a point where I didn't worry about him anymore....he would do what he was going to do and I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't control him.

I remember that I did get to a point where I told him I wanted out. I tol him that I would leave the girls with him because I couldn't take care of them financially. He knew I was serious because I would NEVER leave my girls.
I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore.
My H got on his knees and begged me to stay.
I think that was his turning point.

I'm not saying you should tell your H you want out....but my H seemed to go through withdrawl for too long. Then I realized that I wasn't helping it with wanting all this info about the A....it kept taking him back to day 1 of withdrawl. We decided to take one day.....a week or two later and I could ask all the ?'s I felt I needed to have answers to and then we could move on. When it came down to it....I only had 1 question.

Why wouldn't you do it again?

It floored him. Of course he answered.....I can't remember what the exact words were....but it was a good answer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I just realized that over that time, all the questions I had been getting answers to really weren't helping me recover either.....I thought that they would....but they didn't. I realized I was done.....I had all the answers that I needed and could move on without needing to know anything else.

My H still had his down times after that....they just didn't last as long and there weren't as many of them. Over time....he just sort of came out of it and the effort started to show.

If he only worked as hard to get the trash out before it spills over the side of the trash can....then I would call him completely trained. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hang in there.....it does get better. It just takes time....and ALOT of patience.

By the way....I still see the OW's H on a daily basis and the OW every now and then. It doesn't bother me anymore. When we happen to be together my H just looks the other way. We don't even acknowlegde that we've seen each other. Actually....I'm too a point where I make some sort of snide remark to my H and he usually just starts giggling. I can't help myself....I gotta get it out.

Don't let HER get you down. She has nothing on you.

<small>[ July 02, 2004, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>