My WS agreed to go to MC. Even though he is the kind of person that never agrees with marriage books or advice people give him. He says he will have a open mind. I was wondering what does MC involve. Do you just sit there talking to each other while the counselor listens? Does he/she give advice on what you talk about? We go to our first appointment thursday evening.

Anyone reading this thread feel like there was no hope that your marriage would survive but going to MC turned things around?

The fact that he will go is promising. They also have MC here on the phone, that sometimes helps in just a few sessions. Good luck.

SML -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Anyone reading this thread feel like there was no hope that your marriage would survive but going to MC turned things around?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As you know, that's what MC did for me and my H. I think eventually he would have come back to me, but would have taken longer, and maybe more damage in between.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was wondering what does MC involve. Do you just sit there talking to each other while the counselor listens? Does he/she give advice on what you talk about? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Basically, it varies from therapist to therapist. Our first MC was very quiet, wrote everything down, didn't like conflict, asked some questions, mostly listened.

Our second, and current, MC, is more of a M coach. He starts off asking how the week went. And we just kind-of go from there. The difference between the counseling and the coaching, is the coaching is a bit more hands-on guidance. He directs us to where we need to be, rather than praising us when we finally get there. Does that make sense?

The counseling they do here at MB is more of coaching. I think that is why it tends to take fewer sessions. Much more to the point, since they deal with this problem so often. Our current MC has been working with couples coming out of affairs for 14 years. He was actually H's IC, until H walked out of the third MC appointment with our first lady. Then, H was ready to D me. That's what he SAID. What he did was invite me to his next IC appointment - and he became our MC, and the rest is history.

Even though at first I didn't see how MC was helping at all - we were separated, H wanted D - Believer and the other vets told me how encouraging it was that he was willing to go, even though his words to me were not encouraging.

The best advice I got for MC from this site is - LISTEN to what your H is saying. Even if you don't agree, even if it doesn't make sense, even if you want to laugh out loud - DON'T. Just listen. Because somewhere in there, mixed in with all the junk, is what is bothering your H. Confused and Scared told me that. She told me to listen. And it hurt, and I did, and H calmed down. I didn't give him anyone to argue with, so he had to reflect on himself. Don't give your H an argument about his feelings. It just makes those feelings more intense for him.

This A stuff is just the strangest! Good thing we have MB!

Take care of YOU.

SS

<small>[ June 29, 2004, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

<small>[ June 29, 2004, 06:27 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

Thanks SS you always seem to give me such good advice and info. I wouldn't have made it through this weekend and now without you guys.

I called my husband and told him about the appointment. He actually seemed happy to talk to me. He said he was willing to see what happens and have a open mind.

I told him how much it costs then he was like well forget it if it's that much. Of course after I told him the insurance pays 80 percent he was ok with it again.

SS your story is encouraging your WH sounds so much like mine. I guess that's what I need right now is some stories of hope and encouragement. Thanks again for the info.

Last Thursday was our first MC session. Things seemed to go well. My husband really felt comfortable with the counselor and opened up a great bit. I also found out some things from the counselor that I need to work on that I didn't think about before.

The only thing at the time of the session I felt really attacked. She said I have really low self esteem and am clinging to my husband as my everything and making him feel like a caged bird. I am sure she didn't say those things exactly but that is how I took what she was saying. I do realize now that I have no life besides my husband and kids. I am a stay at home mom and don't really have any friends or family that live near me.

I guess I use my husband as my entertainment. She said my homework is to work on ways to be more independant and think of things to do without him.

My husband really connected with her. He is a deep thinker and very good with words and she seemed to really connect with him and understood the things he was saying. That made him feel good. She did not tell him the affair was wrong or say anything about the affair. She did plant a seed I think when she said he hasn't met his goals and dreams of becoming a writer and artist and he is in a job he hates. Said he met this college student who is independant and following her dreams and that is why he was attracted to her.

He told the MC that he went down last week and has finally told the OW goodbye. That he realized he cannot go on hurting both of us and that he told the OW he wanted to see if our marriage can be worked on. The MC asked my husband at the end of the session what he wanted to do. She said the ball was in his court. Did he want to throw in the towel, did he want to come back for more sessions, did he want to work on his marriage. He told her at first he went to her because of me but felt like he enjoyed the session and got alot off his chest. Said he wanted to continue working on our marriage to see where we can go with it.

Tomorrow is our 2nd session. My husband has been talking about it all week. Our homework is to write things we would like to see change in our marriage and ourself. I came up with some things. Any comments or suggestions would be helpful. Thanks.

Marriage
1. Better Communication
2. Learn to compromise
3. Work on honesty and trust
4. Push each other to reach our dreams and goals.
5. Work together to meet each others emotional needs.

Self
1. Be more independant
2. Take some classes to learn some new things and meet new people.
3. Become a better listener
4. Be more understanding
5. After the baby is born work on myself to become thinner and healthier.

My husband called and we were talking about our session tomorrow. He asked me what were some of the changes I would like to see. I told him a few and his response was. We both say these things. We said them when we first got married but never worked on them. He wants to know now what we are going to do to make them happen. He says these things are easy to talk about but not easy to make happen.

I really don't know how to respond to him. I just said something like now that I know these things have created major problems that makes me want to change and work on them more. I also said as long as we continue to try that eventually we will have success. That we will have times we mess up and make mistakes but as long as we go back to working on our problems we will make it. He said I guess.

I hope his negative attitude changes with time.