OK, here we go again.

I caught my H in a big lie and I am wondering if I should ask him about this. I've pretty much had the last straw.

My husband went to Florida this weekend to spend with our ex-neighbors who just moved there. Our ex-neighbor, you may or may not recall, is doing very poorly with cancer. I didn't have a problem with him visiting them. He stayed with them and I trust him on that.

My problem was with his trip to and from the airport. Today my H returned from his trip (today is also his birthday, BTW). His flight was to arrive in town at 12:05pm. I asked him to pretty please call me at work as soon as he got home. My gut was going crazy today. I just knew he was going to stop somewhere on the way home. I had a feeling he would probably "forget" to call, or something similar. I estimated that by the time he got his bag and left the airport it would be approximately 1pm. Then a half an hour drive would place him at home around 1:30pm.

He didn't call me until almost 3:30pm. He automatically said that they were late in arriving because of "baggage problems." I said, "oh, I checked the arrival time and it said that you arrived 5 minutes late." He said,"oh ... yeah, but we had to wait for our bags for almost an hour and a half - a lot of planes arrived at the same time." (sudden modification of story, apparently) I let it go at that point.

Guess what? I checked in his car for the airport parking receipt - it was there - he left the airport at 12:55!!!!

So he went somewhere for almost two hours and LIED to me about it.

Can I tell him that I saw the receipt and I know that he lied to me? Can I ask him PLEASE TELL ME WHERE YOU WERE AND WHY YOU HAVE TO LIE TO ME ABOUT IT?

Please help me I am going to blow. He is at work already but tomorrow I might just lose control.

<small>[ June 29, 2004, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

Hi svb,

If I were you,I would go and do something to calm down a bit and then approach your WH in a dignified manner and ask about his whereabouts.

You have every right to know and if he isn't hiding anything,he should come clean.Two plus hours of unaccountable time plus a glaring inconsistency(airport parking ticket)needs some explanation.Just DON'T blow or implode or anything like that.You can do that later if he says,"ok I lied,I was with OW".Give him the benefit of the doubt for now.Innocent until proven guilty ok?

O

P.S. Just kidding about LB'ing.There really isn't a good time for that at all.Just a reminder.

hey girl! i was just thinking about ya.. weird.. I was just wondering how you were doing and I couldn't find your other posts.
Anyways, this is somewhat solid evidence, but not enough to get him to tell you what he doesnt' want to tell you. Your H do not have any intention to telling you where he goes during these hours, and whom he was with! did you call your neighbors to ask if he arrived?

Anyways, let's take this.. let's say you've calmed down how do you approach this?

Honey, I have something to ask, (that will give him some time to think, he knows where he was) Remember when I asked what time you left the airport? And you told me it was 1.30 hour later, but I noticed you left at 12:55 from the parking meter. I don't know what's going on, but where were you around that time?

Him: (if he didn't interrupt your question) The parking meter tells the wrong time all the time.. you know those stupid machines. The guy probably gave me the wrong ticket. HE WILL ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING. Do not kill yourself confronting with that. I think you need solid proof.. (him in the act) kinda proof your H is not going to come clean like that... My H had this "GUILT" thing, couldn't look deep inside my browns and lie.. although he tried.. good lord knows he lied over and over more after the affair.

Anyways good luck, you're in my prayers, but I wouldn't bother with this evidence, not enough. He will find something else all the time to cover his buns.

BIG HUGS*

I'm sorry, but I've got to keep on going. I really need to vent.

I am SO frustrated and disappointed. You have no idea.

I was feeling better about us this weekend. Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder - at least on my part, anyway. We talked everyday while he was away. He called every time except one day I called him. Even though we were far apart, I felt that he was really communicating and opening up to me - more than usual anyway. Usually he keeps everything so bottled in. I just mostly listened and let him talk.

Since today is his birthday, I wanted everything to be perfect for him when he got home. I had the place SPOTLESS. I made him a black forest cake. He loves those cakes. I got a good recipe for one a while ago and he kept asking me about it - when are you going to make me a black forest cake? I never baked one before. Well, I did it and let me tell you - it was BEAUTIFUL. I am so proud of myself - can you tell? I never worked so hard on a cake before. It had swirly decorations along the edges and maraschino cherries on top and chocolate shavings all over. I even used my new glass cake server.

I also had his present for him placed so that he would see it right away when he walked in.

Well, I left work a little early today so I could stop at home before he went to sleep and before I went to class. I looked in the refrigerator and he had eaten a piece of the cake! I'm surprised he didn't open the present,too! Needless to say, I was disappointed that he didn't wait for me. Oh, and I did listen to my voice activated recorder and he did sing himself "Happy Birthday" before he ate it. If he weren't so adorable, I'd strangle him.

What also hurt is that when I asked him (nicely) why he didn't wait for me, he said that it looked good and there was nothing else to eat. "I was expecting something for me to eat for lunch." (like leftovers, or something like that) It just seems that nothing I do is good enough. He just burst my bubble. He never comments on the positives, only the negatives. If I saved 99 people's lives out of a hundred, he would say "you let one person die."

Now I have this thought in my head. I kept planning all weekend that I would have everything perfect for him for when he got home and all he probably kept planning and thinking about was his rendezvous as soon as he got home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I am seriously considering sitting down with him and telling him that I plan on leaving as soon as my classes are over at the end of July. I want to tell him that I know that something is going on and I am tired of the lies. I am tired of pretending that I am happy and that everything is wonderful. I don't want to deal with it anymore. If he want to share with me at that point, fine, if not, it's over. Honestly, I am daydreaming more and more about starting my life over again - alone. I will buy myself a puppy.

<small>[ June 29, 2004, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

Hello O and Harudah,

I didn't see your posts until after I finished the second part of my venting.

I won't see him again until tomorrow night, so I am sure that I will be calmer by then.

Still, I know that if I ask him (even nicely) he will get ANGRY. That in itself always says GUILTY! He will come up with an excuse and then make me feel that I am the one with the problem.

That is why I want to leave. I am tired of this.

<small>[ June 29, 2004, 10:41 PM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

I do the same sometimes.. thinking about my one bedroom cottage.. artificial grass, near the sea.. all to myself, no men, not torubles.. then I think about how lonely that is how I'd miss that [censored] lol..
I know you're not in the mood to laugh, what are bad times for? I know about secretly plotting the exit! I was doing it for a while and realized, I didn't really want to leave. Stick it out girlfriend. I know you're doing so well on Plan A seriously.. better than most of us. Maybe its because you haven't discover yet. Anyways, you're doing a very good job! Keep deposit love units.. love him until he bursts`! That is if you can keep that up with all the stuff going through your head.

I can't really tell you whether or not you should just tell him, but from past experience you know he'll just lie.
You need more proof.... camera proof!

big hug* I think I am going to sleep for 3 hours.. its almost 6 am here.

svb,

Your H was in Florida, with ex-neighbors.

Since he flew there, I'm assuming it's a long distance call to telephone you. I'm also assuming he didn't want to run up their home phone bill. Since he phoned you every day he was gone, did he use a cell phone? Get copies of the cell phone record and see what other number he was calling.

Or if he DID use ex-neighbors' phone, ask them for a copy of their bill. Either tell them you want to reimburse them, or level with them and tell them you think something fishy is going on, or tell them your H called another number and you don't have it written down and need it from them.

Keep the parking stub; not sure if you should mention it now or just put it with the condom wrappers and wait until you know more about what is going on.

Hi again svb,

First of all,I think you should zero in on the parking receipt and ask about that.The whole deal about the cake and your WH eating a slice first without you since you weren't there,to me,I don't find a huge deal.It's those little things that can eat away at a relationship if you don't recognize it for what it is.So he ate a piece of cake when he saw it.You did intend to make it for him and it's his birthday right? To me this is something that you could let go.He was hungry,couldn't "find" anything to eat or make anything(you know *some guys are like this)so he eats what is right there in front of him.Don't make a mountain out a mole hill on that one IMVHO.Watch that pride. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Having everything be perfect on the weekend but you THINK WH was planning for a rendezvous is again,negative thinking.Don't put bad thoughts into your head that you have no idea if they are true.That is self defeating.I know it's hard,I've done it myself but you have to train your mind to look at facts or you can go nuts.

BE PROUD that you made the cake and leave it at that.Don't look to your WH for VALIDATION ok? This is where many of us get lost and hurt because we look to other's for validation for doing good.It's enough to know that you did something you can be proud of out of a caring, loving heart.It's really nice when we get approval for these things but don't look for it as a *condition of what you do.See the difference?

Lastly,based on what you mentioned,I would NOT be sitting down and telling your WH that you are leaving.It sounds to me as if it is not your time yet.I haven't read your whole story but is all this turmoil centered around the parking ticket and 2+ missed hours? If so,then try to focus on that until his whereabouts can be determined.

If this is just another questionable action on the past of your WH and there have been many then I may have a different answer but I am only going by what you said here.

O

Turtlehead, I didn't take the receipt out of the car. Maybe I should have, but I didn't. I'll check in his car again after work today to see if it is still there, but somehow I doubt it. If so, I might make a copy of it and still leave the receipt there. If I decide to wait to ask him about this (along with with the condom wrappers) I don't want him to know that I am suspicious.

Octobergirl, you are right about the cake. I thought some more about that last night. I did make it for him - he should be able to eat it whenever he wants. I can definitely let it go. You are right - I have to focus on "selfless love" and the fact that I did this out of a caring heart. I should not expect any approval or validation. I should just be happy that it made him happy.

"If this is just another questionable action on the past of your WH and there have been many then I may have a different answer but I am only going by what you said here."

My H has been doing many questionable things. I noticed a condom missing once. He takes bizarre trips (48 miles round trip) during his free time. Twice I found two condom wrappers in the garbage can in his bathroom. I have confronted him about everything so far except for the condom wrappers in the garbage and the parking receipt from the airport yesterday. He always denies everything.

My current strategy is still placing a voice activated recorder in the house when I am not home. I am also taking random days off to stake out the house to see if he brings anyone home. I think my next stake out day will be next Tuesday, July 6.

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

Ok,I get it.I'm sorry you have to play PI.It's especially hard trying to find out the truth if you have a WS that is adept at hiding information and being secretive.You just never know for sure what is truth and what is lies.It's an awful way to live which is why in one way,I am glad not to be going through a recovery,even though that sounds strange!

I know it would take a herculean effort on the part of my WH to be honest and have NC forever to work on our marriage.I just don't think he would ever have it in him.He's too selfish and lazy(I know,DJ but I don't tell him this to his face,just an observation).He thinks a marriage should be "amazing" and perfect all by itself.That is why he is going to let me divorce him and hope for the best with the homewrecker.Geeze.It feels great to know his marriage,wife and children(family) are so unimportant to risk it all on some single homewrecker that he thinks is the answer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway,good luck on the sleuthing.Maybe a voice activated recorder in HIS CAR would also be helpful if you could manage it.

O

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Well, I checked his car again for the airport parking receipt. I thought that I would take it and make a copy of it and put it back safely before he goes to work tonight.

But it's gone. Gee, imagine that. It's not in the car, not in his wallet, not in our receipt file, or in any of the garbage cans in the house.

I think maybe I asked him too many questions about him coming home late - especially telling him that I checked the Internet to see what time his plane landed. I think I asked specifically, too, "what time did you leave the airport?" This was before I saw the receipt, mind you. I guess he probably knows I'm suspicious.

I can't play this game very well.

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

Ah well.Maybe next time,if there is one,you'll scramble to get the copies you need just in case.He's onto you I think and that's not good.Hiding stuff like that is a big red flag.Ugh.

Sorry svb.I know how frustrating and painful all this can be for you.

How about that VAR for the car? What do you think?

O

Octobergirl, I would feel comfortable placing a VAR in his car. I could place it under the seat, taped up underneath his seat. I have two VARs.

He doesn't have a cell phone, though, so I wouldn't catch any phone conversations there. Do you think it would be worth it if he doesn't have a cell phone? It's possible that he's bringing someone into the car, but I doubt it. I'm willing to try it, though. It can't hurt. I have nothing to lose.

Well,if your WH doesn't have a cell phone,it might not be worth it to put one in the car.I know my WH does a lot of calling when he is on the road.He is always talking to someone on that darn cell phone.I hate just looking at it.But,I don't care who he is talking to anymore so it doesn't matter for me.

You on the other hand have to still spy.Have you ever hired a PI before? I know they can be costly but they are more adept at catching your WH in the "act" than you are I would imagine.Maybe someone to tail your WH when he is out of town or on his way home from somewhere? Maybe a GPS device or a Vehicle Tracking System.I bet there's all kinds of spy stuff you could try if you have the spare money.Maybe it will be like Mission Impossible.lol.

Anyway,if I were you,I might try the PI route.Let someone else do the guesswork.Maybe they dont charge you if they can't find out anything.


O

Octobergirl,

You sound so at peace in your current status. I really envy you! I long for that peace which is why, at times, I dream of leaving my marriage and starting over. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it to try to save this M. I look back and remember some of the ways that my H has treated me and I wonder why I have stayed with him so long? I get so confused.

I think if your H expects a marriage to be "amazing" and perfect all by itself he is only setting himself up for failure with homewrecker. I think it would be almost pleasant to sit back and watch that happen.

I have thought about a PI. They are very expensive. Also, if they trail him for a day, they still charge you by the hour whether they find something or not. If I hire a PI, I have to be SURE that he will be up to no good on that particular day. It is very risky for that amount of money. I would also have a difficult time taking a large sum of money out of our account without my H noticing. I have thought of asking my mother to lend me some money - no questions asked - and pay her back little by little. My mother doesn't know of my situation and I can't bear to tell her. I know she would be happy to lend me the money, but I know she would pressure me to know why I need it - or would suspect why. I'm still thinking about this. I also wonder about something else. What if the PI follows my H to an apartment building - with a doorman? How would I find out what he did there and with whom? I can't confront him with the fact that he went to an apartment building. That would be a lot of money spent to be in the same situation that I am in right now - having evidence, but not irrefutible.

My cake is now almost half gone - and I haven't even eaten a piece yet! I am glad that he enjoys it. I heard him sing "happy birthday" to himself again when he ate cake yesterday. I think it's funny.

Hi svb,
I have been following your story from the start although this is the first time I have posted to you.

Something really is strange about all of this and last night I was thinking about it.

Is there even the slightest possibility that your H has a male friend that is having an A and he is allowing them to use your home for their rendezvous?

The reason I ask is that surely you H is not that stupid to leave condom wrappers lying around, whereas if his friend did this he wouldn't even think about whats been put in the trashcan in the bathroom. I can understand him washing the sheets after they have left (If he dosen't want you to know about his mates affair and his involvement in it). Could this explain the 40 odd Miles on his car, could he be going somewhere to get out of the house whilst his mate is doing his thing?

Is it possible that when he left the AP he went and visited this mate?

Anyway, just some thoughts I had, I sure do hope if your H is in an affair he slips up soon, your story has me on the edge of my seat, I can only try to imagine how it must be affecting you.

All the best, I hope you find something soon.
mtheart

Hi svb,

I guess the PI is out due to costs.Maybe the GPS or Vehicle Tracking System is better,something you can trace that's on his car,but I don't know how much those cost.I've never had to go that far.

As for me,well,I have been dealing with this abhorrent situation for 9 months now and going.I am sick of it,that's why I am filing for a D.I just cannot trust my WH ever again to not hurt me and if he could do it after us being best friends for 20 years,married for 13 years,first real loves,etc,etc then he could do it ANY time.I am NOT going to allow that kind of pain happen to me again with anyone.I almost landed in the hospital because of what WH put me through.I will never forget that and how he protected the homewrecker instead of ME,his WIFE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> SO for that,I am taking the kids,the home and every dollar he makes but give him just enough to get by on.The homewrecking trash can foot the bill for however long their sickening "relationship" can stand.And,I have the support of both families on my side.I feel good.

Btw,I LOVE Black Forest cake! If I lived nearby,I would come over for a slice,so instead,you should have one for me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

O

I've been feeling a little more positive yesterday and today. It helped that I got out of class really early last night. I went home and just spewed out love. It seems like it takes me a couple of days after I find something bad that I get back to feeling like continuing in plan A. On Wednesday night, I just basically kept my distance from him. I wasn't positive or negative around him.

mtheart, wow, I never really thought of something like that. It just never occurred to me. It is a possibility, it does make sense about the condom wrappers - because I don't get how he can be so careless about them, either. About his trips, though, I'm not sure how that fits in. Unless his friend lives 24 miles away and he goes to hang out with him on occasion. My H has mentioned in the past that I never like his friends and he might not want me to know that he's hanging out with a buddy. They might go to a bar and he might come home smelling like smoke - which is why he washes his clothes. I don't know. I have to think about it some more. I would be thrilled if this is what is actually happening. Maybe it is just wishful thinking.

Actually, a couple of years ago this happened. There was a period of time when every couple of weeks he would come home really late from work. He would supposed to get off at 11pm, but not get home until 1am or so. He would come home, expecting me to be asleep and not notice he was late. There were times when I just found his smokey clothes in his bathroom or in the washing machine. Once I waited for him and I hugged him when he came in. He really smelled like smoke. I asked him why he was late. He said that he had stuff to do at work. I asked him why he smelled like smoke then. He said that he went out with a buddy after work but he didn't want to tell me because he thought I'd get mad because I never like his friends. (this is not entirely true - I do have a problem with a couple of them - they've stolen from him and taken advantage of him - and he just doesn't see it). I told him that I don't mind if he goes out - I was just upset because he didn't TELL me about it. If he keeps secrets like that, it gets me wondering about what he is really doing. Anyway, I let it go then. At the time I really believed him. Now, I figure that he was either really telling the truth about his friend (I could see why he would be afraid to tell me) or he was having an affair then, too.

So now, he is either hanging out with a friend again, or he is having another A. What bothers me is that, this time, when I confronted him about the miles and where he goes, why can't he just say he's meeting a buddy? Which makes me think that he is having an A, and most likely had an A in the past, too. Who knows how many there have been? And if he is a serial cheater, there is no hope.

Octobergirl, I am saving up some more cash. I am trying to decide if I should spend it on spyware software ($100) or a GPS system. The GPS system I want is around $400. It is weatherproof and goes underneath his car. I'm not sure if any antennaes are exposed. I hope not.

I would also be very happy to bake a Black Forest cake for you. You really deserve it much more that my H.

<small>[ July 02, 2004, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

svb,

Why are you thinking spyware on teh computer would help? Do you think he might contact OP from the home PC? Or are you going to install it at his office?

When your H was in Florida, you said he called you frequently. If he has no cellphone, was he using the ex-neighbors' phone? Can you get a copy of their phone record, or maybe call them and ask what other number your H was calling because you lost the paper where you had it written down.... if he was calling someone else then you can possibly get a reverse number lookup.

Hi Turtlehead,

I'm not sure if he is contacting OP on the computer. I noticed that he deletes a lot of email after he writes it. There is certain email that he writes to his family that he leaves on the computer, and others that he deletes. I guess I am just hoping to get a clue about what is going on. Maybe I will get lucky and catch an email to the OP.

About the phone records, I feel REALLY uncomfortable to ask them about the phone calls. He is like a son to them. I'm not sure how they'd react. Plus, I'm sure they'd mention it to him or ask him about it. If I say that I just want a copy so I know how much to pay them, they would just tell me to forget about it.