Last wk. posted about e-mail from business [censored]. -all it said was " your kiss is on my list of the best things in life" -from Hall and Oates song .H said he didn't think anything about it - must be a nut case !! Didn't really buy it so when I left twn last Wed. I put recorder in car .On his way home from airport (dropped me off) He gets a call from co-worker . Could tell it was a woman -you know how their conversation is different with women than men . Of course can only hear one side but she must ask him how he's doing and he starts whinning about e-mail being down, weather is ****ty and "his wife just left him - I was going to see my 88 yr. old dad !!.
Conversation gets a little more personal and he starts saying I've got insecurity issues and need a break from him. "hope her head is on straight when she gets back" . Could go on but just know he says ," well we've had problems and really want to stay married at least til the kids are out of high school but really don't want to divorce -WTF< WTF- who brought that up in their conversation .
I think he's feeling out the situation - fishing for a response from her !! WTF
On the heals of last wk. e-mail , I'm losing my mind. Got app. with MC in the morning and want to play tape for her - what do you think - she knows about e-mail and thinks I'm over reacting - How do I not LB -am waiting for cell and long distance bills to be online and maybe will get my proof- I don't want the proof that I"m right - oh contrare- I want to see that he hasn't called the e-mailer since I saw it .But hearing the tape doesn't give me a lot of hope that he's not a scum bag .
What are your thoughts on confronting ??- wait til cell and phone bill are in and how or if do I tell him I taped him in the car Don't want to LB but the @#cker better watch his back.
Have any of ya'll secretely taped you S. and did you tell them?

I would wait until I got more proof. They are very good at denying and trying to make the BS look crazy. Also if he finds out you are checking on him, he will just get sneakier.

You're sooo right. MC thinks I'm a little obsessive and he's running with it !! Tells me to talk to her about it -"my issues" . Will try to lay low until cell bill comes online . I think he's pulled the wool over her eyes but will play tape for her today .should be interesting .

khb5,

Believer is right.

YOU do not have enough proof, of anything at this point.
(However, more then enough to make you crazy, for sure!)

Do anything and everything you can to bite your tongue and NOT confront him.
WS's will come up with all kinds of plausible lies and explanations, even when confronted with irrefutable proof.


All you will do with flimsy proof is tip YOUR hand and send him even further underground.
When looking for info. your 1st goal is to make him relax and stop being on guard.
If he even thinks you are looking he will be on top of his P's and Q's.

I know its one of the hardest things to do, but try to act as normal as possible, and if you can't, then find some story of your own to cover your continued bad Mood. (Like work, kids, PMS or something).
Whatever you do, don't let him think it is Him you are focusing on.
To catch a cheater you have to play the game better and harder then they do. They've had a lot more practice at it then us. They evolve into Masters of deception.
Unfortunately, We always have a Huge learning curve to catch up with.

BS's also have the further liability of "Wanting" to believe in them. (Even in the face of real proof).
As a result, they usually exploit this weakness against us. Too bad.
Trust and love shouldn't be used as a weapon, but WS's sure get good at using it for just that purpose.

Some may say this could be innocent. Yea, could be. Unfortunately, you no longer have the luxury of that kind of thinking. Sad but true.

Indeed, if your H has burned you before, then you Need to be sure this time.
He got the benefit of the doubt the first time........but that's it.

Truly Knowing, although painful, is so much better then the "kinda" thinking something is going on. (Less stressful too).
In any case don't clue him in until you can bust him with something.
Otherwise you'll just get more lies and further frustration.

An Aside from your post: (Why is the OP always portrayed as a nut case or whack job??) Where's the originality? Why do almost all their minds gravitate to this same angle?

In any case:
Wishing you successful hunting. (for your own piece of mind).
Take care

Top Rope - you are exactly right and thanks for making me see it too . I am going to do my damndest to keep "the face" on til I can see the cell and phone summaries - the cycly for both ends on the 3rd or 4th and figure I'll be able to access them by Mon. The wk. of the e-mail incident he says he did not talk to her , not once and he was really sure of that ,so if any of her #'s turn up , I think that sets off another alarm with me -what do you think? Also I plan on getting up really early Fri. morning- he comes in tomorrow night from buss. trip and will go through e-mails before he gets up . Any other advice would be greatly appreciated . Went to see MC and she talked me off the ledge so I THINK I can do the dance for a few days .
How sad to have to do this with someone that is suppose to be your life partner - is this how it's suppose to be with someone that is suppose to protect you above all else .
For the first time since we've been in recovery I'm wondering if I can do this and I'm scared . I'm a strong person and never want to give up BUT is this the life I want -really second guessing myself
Thanks for you thoughts and your time

khb5

While I agree with the others that you don't have much to go on...I would continue checking and watching.

What's alarming to me is the fact that your H had a personal conversation with a female co-worker. What's up with that? None of the comments about you or your marriage should have been said to this co-worker.

Gee, isn't this how EA's get started?

Good Luck.

sss

khb5,

You asked if I've taped. I'll take the 5th on that. lol

Does you recorder attach to phone line? I think they have those at Radio Shack. Just guessing you know.

I hear those recorders will record both sides of a conversation. I hear you shouldn't assume that the spouse wouldn't be dumb enough to make a call from the house even if they always have a cell phone attached to their ears. Or call their voice mail(cell or office) at odd hours to pick up secret messages.

I've even heard of spouses calling the cell v-mail and trying to access it by guessing th epassword. Seems most people are too dumb to have a special code that's deiiferent from their bank pin #, last 4 digits of soc sec. #, birthday, numeric street address or easy strings of numbers ie 1,2,3,4 or 6,7,8,9 or the revers orders.

Some might even try and access the office v-mail but that might be a bit more illegal in some locals. Not sure though.

Sounds like a little bird already told you about the "old accessing the cell records from the web site" trick.

Sorry you're in this situation.

cwmac

Ya'll are awesome - THANKS for brainstorming with me and for me !! I've got all and I mean all the office v-mail ,cell etc.. -he doesn't seem to get my MO. Believe it or not , his password is stored on his computer so he knows I could access it at any time . Does he think I have blind trust , or I'm done checking or is he plain stupid ????? I'm sooooo confused as to his actions . MC says he's so scared of losing me ,yet, he is such a contradiction . How do they talk one game and do another
How can we all live this bullsh*t day in and day out .??
Again , ya'll are awesome - I can't let my girlfriends know the skinny because they are so protective of me and would hang him if they knew I was in pain again !!
Thank you for your time - I don't feel so alone