For the past couple of weeks my EX has been coming out of the fog, and sending me emails. I won"t copy them all - it would be too long- but the other da I suggested he get counseling to deal with all he has been through this past year, and this was his response:

Yes I have learned from the (OW) experience. I will proceed with caution.
I hated living with myself at first. I have realized I have not had a
girlfriend or wife since the 7th grade. Don't know if I need someone to
have self worth or not. There must be
something to that. Don't know. I am getting better each day living by
myself and adjusting. Been going out a couple of times with a gal who use
to work at here in a different department. Friends talked me into Match.com and have gotten a few emails from that. Nothing big though. I
plan not to rush into anything though. You are right. I am dependant on
women. I need to feel wanted. Maybe it is because my parents had a screwed
up relationship. Never did they say I love you until all the crap with dad
started. They never showed affection to us or each other. They never even
stayed in the same room. Who knows, my dad may have not been where he is if
mom showed some more affection. ( Who knows though, it's a sickness).
OW did try hard to make everyone like her (Well the herself I thought she was) I don't know what makes that girl tick. As far as phone yes, Damn her for getting me addicted to the
damn thing.(---here he is referring to a comment I made about how he and OW used to talk on the phone or text each other CONSTANTLY and eventually the kids told him they did not want to spend time with him anymore)
But again it felt good to hear from her and know she was a phone call away. Somebody there for me. I guess I have to start depending
on me. Don't know. It's not a bad thing to want someone who makes you as
happy as possible. Maybe what I seek doesn't exist. I think that is what
the hardest thing I have to deal with.


I will post another one later -

Ok - here is the most recent email from him. At this point I have suggested he get counseling to figure out what was going on inside him self that caused him to give up a wife, kids, a home, everything that used to be important to him, and here is his reply:

I've excepted the failure of the relationship. I put all my eggs in one basket and you are right. I took it hook line and
sinker. You are right. There was a huge void in my life. That's why I was
unhappy. Not your fault. Don't know if it was depression or what.
All I know is that something was missing. OW filled that void. Don't
know what she did but it was gone. That is why I overlooked everything. I
have countless emails and cards and notes she gave to me telling me how
much I mean to her and that she is so looking forward to spending our lives
together. She was passionate toward me and made me feel so good. I showed
her a couple of emails like that I had saved not to long ago after she left
me and it just pissed her off.

Ok folks - does any of this sound familiar???? In the beginning, right after D Day I said to him "WH I have a box full of cards, and poems you wrote to me declaring your un dying love. How can you now say that you never loeved me?? His response was "I ws trying to make myself love you - that is wy I wrote the cards and poems. I was only trying to trick myself into loveing you."
I am going to post one more email here - one that I received just days after he left. I think you will appreciate seeing the beginning, as well as the end of his A.

last one -

only 1 week after he left he wanted me to go to a BBQ with him at a friends house. He did not want this friend to know he had moved out and was living with OW. I told him I couldn't go with him if he would not let me hold his hand, or put my arm around him like we used to. Here was his response:

I think it is best that we not go any where together. I feel you are just
saying all these things to persuade me to come back. I have committed
myself to another person and feel that you'd do anything to stop that. I
can't imagine that we
could ever have what I have now. You would always hold against me that I
left you and fell in love with someone else.
The other person is going through the exact thing that we are going
through. Lots are at stake but feel that we can not
pass this opportunity up to be happy together. Again neither of us made
this decision lightly. I feel you would do anything out of desperation to keep me from leaving. I do love you as a friend now and as the mother of my Children. I just
don't see you changing for good. I am sorry. I will go to the party with
you as friends but don't think it would be appropriate to lead you on by
allowing you to touch me on that manner. I don't want to tell you a little
to late but it looks like it. I am so Sorry. You know I have a big heart
and never want to hurt anyone. That is why it is so tough for me to tell
you these things. Try to have fun tonight with your friends and I will call you in the morning.


Even reading though this makes me get that feeling in my stomach - remembering how devastated I was. I went on Anti-Ds the next day.
He did go to the BBQ without me - told everyone I was home sick with the flu. Later, when people found out he had left he said it was because I was not romantic enough for him. That he thought I was a good wife until he met OW and then he realized how much better a wife could be.
Of course, you know the rest of the story now - OW was basically telling him everything he wanted to hear, until he moved in with her. Then the house of cards fell apart.

Womanoffaith -
I saw your response to someone else and wanted to read the emails you spoke of. I just wanted to say, although you are now divorced and I can really understand that decision, I'm glad you have remained friends with your ex, for your kids sakes as well as his. You are a good person and I'm sure that wonderful things are in store for you.

Weaver

Weaver - thank you so much. You made me cry - but in a good way.

You know it's funny half the time I'm on here I feel like crying..such good people and in so much pain. I wasn't married but I have a little girl (9) and I did everything I possibly could to stay friends with her dad, and it shows in her happy little face. (best advice my parents ever gave me)

In fact she is timing me on my computer use now, so I must go.

Take care,

Weaver

So, where are you now, womanoffaith?

Where is your H? And what are his plans for the future? What are YOUR plans for YOUR future?

Is there a thought you might try to reconcile?

Just curious. I'm sure it's probably posted somewhere, but by the time I search for an answer, I forget what the question was! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm sure it's "old age" creeping in.........

God Bless,

lupo - most of my posts are in the Divorced section- but to answer your question, I am in a good place right now.
My boys and I have moved into a brand new house - they have friends over constantly. We are in the middle of baseball season, which I love.
I am able to look back now and say "a year ago I was a mess, and now I am better"
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
My WH/Ex has not asked to "come back", but I can tell that it would not take much effort on my part. He calls me a lot, emails me a lot. I was sick a couple of days - he called to check on me.
BUT I can not bring myself to be interested in him again. I can't get past the feeling that he is capable of causing a LOT of pain. I want him to be happy - and emotionally healthy - for his own sake, and for the boys sake - but I don't want him to live with us ever again.
I still remember laying on the floor, in a ball, sobbing as he walked out. And he just walked out. I also remember the mountains of Porn that he had around the house - and I am happy to be rid of that crap.
And sometimes, when I am alone at night, I have moments of peace where I am happy to be alone. Someday, I would like to get married again. I want to have a partner to share my life with. But first, I want to enjoy being single. I didn't ask to be single - I never planned to be single (I turn 40 in September!) but it won't last for ever, so I want to try and enjoy it for now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "I ws trying to make myself love you - that is wy I wrote the cards and poems. I was only trying to trick myself into loveing you."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, womanoffaith!, your WH's fog sounds just like mine! I got almost the same line of fogtalk!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just don't see you changing for good. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU changing for good? What about him?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have committed myself to another person and feel that you'd do anything to stop that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But his commitments mean nothing! Why don't you send him an email reassuring him what a turn-off he is for you, and you'd rather go to bed with Jabba the Hut.

Hi WOF,

I just wanted to say that your story and the e-mails you shared are so much like my situation too.My WH also needs a LOT of attention from women in particular,I think partly due to the fact that his mom and dad were not overly affectionate with him either.I think it was more important that his mom wasn't affectionate and why he is trying to fill in voids with other women,from friends,more than friends and to now this homewrecker.

I was affectionate and loving with my WH of course but I also had a life outside of our marriage.I wasn't all over him like glue,which I think he needed in increasing amounts as he grew older.Low and behold,this seems to be the only issue he had with me but notwithstanding the issues he has within himself to deal with.

Now it seems that my WH is trying to fill in these voids with all manner of communication.He seems to be on the cell phone or e-mailing someone, soemwhere all the time.He seems to need it more and more like an addiction.It drove me nuts when he was home.He just couldn't be still.I have a very calm nature about me and he is spinning wildly out of control.I call him the "Mad Typist".He would perish without a computer at hand.

Anyway,I too find it very difficult to imagine reconciling with a man who could leave me writhing in bed and sobbing day and night,ready to end it all from the pain of Infidelity and not stop what he was doing.I'll never forget that.After being together for 20 years,he chose instead to give his love and attention to a homewrecker he knew only WEEKS at the time.Ugh.What awful memories.How can I ever trust him again not to hurt me? I can't.

And I also have had to endure the discovery of some porn sites online that he had excuses for.I know he viewed those sites until he could see the homewrecker.What a change in him.Not someone I like to be around now or feel safe with.

I too love being married and all that that entails.I also feel very comfortable being alone as opposed to lonely.I'm not lonely yet though.Thank goodness.I like being at home with my girls and I also enjoy just being alone,out in nature,feeling blessed for all that I do have despite my WH's painful acts.I know I have a lot to offer another man one day,when the time is right.

O