I have been patient. I have been pleasant. I have been understanding. But, I have also been frustrated, angry, resentful, and depressed. All of which could be taken away if my W would just respond to me. She is even somewhat hostile towards me.... for what? Did I cheat on her? No. Did I lie to her? No. Did I betray her? No. Why do I deserve this kind of treatment?

I feel like every word and action is on trial. If I say anything that is taken wrong... she automatically says, "you should just leave, or I should just leave" , "it would be for the best." She won't step out and act to make this thing better because she thinks things can't be fixed. You can sit in a car with a flat tire and it will stay flat until SOMEONE gets out of the car and changes it. Well, it's our car (marriage) we need to both get out of the car and change the flat.

I have had to carry this thing for a while now largely by myself. All I need are some words and actions that would make things a little easier knowing that she is totally oblivious. But, I get nothing from her. I can't continue this for a long period of time. In MC we learned that we have to start meeting each other's needs and the feelings would return and her confusion would go away. Once she starts seeing a difference then she sees it and knows that her fears are unfounded. In other words it takes action!! Action is the one thing that she can't seem to handle... it's like she can't get over her fears long enough to act. It's like building a house right in the middle of the crossroads. You have to turn left or right, not live there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Dear left4dead
I see that it has been about 2 months since NC started. Your FWW is most likely in withdrawal. You sound exactly like my BS! Welcome, and hang in there. There is a thread called Moving Forward that you may want to read. It's a bunch of us FWW's going through withdrawal. Especially read the posts from Recovering H and NCWalker...Recovering H is my husband. You are not alone in how you feel.

Check it out and let me know what you think...and feel free to jump in!

Onlywords

FWW (me) 41
BS 42
D-day 2/18/04

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: onlywords ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it's like she can't get over her fears long enough to act. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well, you certainly hit the nail on the head, that is exactly the thing. i know, cuz "been there done that" (and on some days, still doing that).

not sure i can help you more than to say... for all of us WWs out there that lost all hope and then lost ourselves...

"I'm sorry."

it sure is a common thing to see here. the men are so ready to take action but we woman need to heal a while before we are capable or willing. i'm not saying it is fair. just an observation. can you hold out long enough? do you know why your W was vunderable to the A (not saying you caused her A!!!) but do you know what actions of yours perhaps left her vunderable? are you working on those?? how long were there problems in the marriage? (i am assuming you agree there were problems, is that right?) that might be an indication of how long it will take for her to trust in your relationship again.

again i acknowledge, it is NOT FAIR. you were betrayed and now this!!!! but let me remind you, there is more to the vows of marriage than staying faithful. did you break the vow of loving and cherising her??? right or wrong, i know i felt betrayed when he choose to become distant in our marriage and not work on anything.

now before you get too mad at me here.... i realize now i allowed our marraige to be bad too.

just some thoughts here from a FWW. peace to you.

Feel the same, and in the same boat as you. Just can't get any progress going on Plan A. Relationship is causal and no conflict, but we are separated, yet living together. Like roommates. It really sucks. A total joke. She is not much at home, most nights coming home past 9pm. Only one night did she stay out all night. What is she doing? She tells me see is working out LA fitness, getting her hair done, nails, shopping, going over to friends houses, etc.

What I want to do is sell our house and move into separate rented places and start plan B. I plan to discuss this with the wife soon. I don't want to file for divorce yet. For now, neither does she, but I'll find out when I spring the plan. I know by looking at the cell phone bills she is still in contact with the OM. She told me she want's to go on vacation to Hawaii without me, she is going with her girl friend. Should I believe that? Should I allow that?

Yes its frustrating.

L4Dead,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She is even somewhat hostile towards me.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like FWW is either still in withdrawal or is really being eaten up by the guilt or both.

My Wife was undecided. Not so much because of OM but because my pre-A issue was anger. Along comes the A and what is my response? Anger of course.

The best course of action is to continue to stay calm. When she gets angry, understand that anger is indicative of another emotion ie fear, guilt, depression etc.

Keep coming here and posting or venting. Try to stay calm and treat her the way you want to be treated.

Sometimes when I get angry I need to go for a drive so I can swear in a place where she can't hear.

cwmac

Well, she is in NC for sure. But, it's like she hasn't made her mind up whether or not she wants to make this work. She says she does. But, in the same breath she will say, but I'm so afraid that it won't work no matter what we do. You'll never look at me the same way anymore. You won't be able to trust me anymore. > Stuff like that.

Also, true... our marriage was less than perfect. My career had consumed me without me even realizing it. Someone used the word "cherished" ; no, I didn't cherish her. If you would've asked me, "do you cherish your wife?," I would've automatically said, yes. I always have loved her, but I had pushed her away from me to make room for all the other stuff. LB'd in a big way all those years. I was a fool.

But, now that I see what I did, and was slapped with this hard cold reality of the A, I'm awake now. And I don't ever want to do that again, but now that I know that I wonder if I'll ever get a chance to use what I've learned in real life again. All that other stuff was bad enough, but then all this fog and confusion and junk that comes later, actually hurts more than anything else.

I feel like I'm knocking on the door and she won't let me in.

Patience, left4dead.

Shocktreatment, I bet your wife is not planning to go to Hawaii with her girlfriend. At least, not just her girlfriend.

If she's still in contact with OM, she's probably cheating. She is clearly not trying to work on your M. I think you're being walked on. She gets to live in the house you bought together and flutter around and do whatever she wants, and you're supposed to live like a monk while she disrespects you right under your nose. I just looked at your old posts and was shocked to see you've been married 20 years and have grown children. Your wife sounds like she's only 20 years old herself, selfish and flaky.

Sorry about the threadjack.

GC

Left 4 dead:

I feel you, man. This is where I'm at too. I'm really trying to continue to work on me, cause I need it too. It's not just about my W changing. It took 2 of us to get us in this mess, but God knows it's going to take 2 of us to get us out too. Without her help, it's pretty much pointless. I can't do this by myself. If she had any idea how much I love her, she would put those notions of how it can't get better, out of her mind. Because there's nothing I'm not willing to do to help make it work. For my W to say it can't get any better is totally selling me short, not to mention, herself.

Something happened last night that freaked me out. I found a cd of some music that she would've never ever listened to before (hard hard rock). The OM was a guitar player and played hard rock. I just automatically went > O God, where's my wife? What has happened to her? Why did she change like this? All the triggers start: Does she still want OM? Then I go into the tailspin: mayday mayday! I ask her about all this and then it's off to the races.

I'm so afraid. I never used to be afraid. I've got no self-confidence, I used to be the cockiest guy in the room. Ever since the A I don't know who she is anymore and I don't know who I am anymore.

BUT WITH ALL THAT BEING SAID >>> I LOVE MY WIFE!!!! And, I'm willing to do what it takes to have a healthy M.

Sorry for the brief thread jack.

Shock treatment,

What area code of so Cal are you in?

cwmac--------> 949

cwmac

i read all these posts and just want to scream, JUST DON"T GIVE UP!!!!!

you guys could all be my H (except he did not know i was in A, all he knew was i wanted a divorce, that was his slap in the face and it put him into action, that is for sure) and the more i read theses types of posts the more i think, OMG i left him in this state for sooo long. how did he endure, one thing is for sure, not knowing an A was part of the equation was a blessing for him, even so, he must of felt exactly like what you are all saying.... "OK honey, i understand, i messed up in our M, lets just work together now and fix it!!" and all i did was mostly push him away and be in an A. it turns my stomach to have to face how much i hurt him for so long, it really does.

so if i can be of help to you all by saying: JUST KEEP LOVING HER!!! i would like that. i can tell you all, while he was trying so hard and i was not wanting to see it all, i WAS still watching him, very closely, yes i admit, it took forever to acknoweldge and accept the new him, but i finally did. PLEASE TRY TO HANG ON.

for any BH that is not sure the A is over, well you are in another boat. you must do more than plan A, you must expose A and do whatever else you can do to get the A over first.

and once again i just want to finsih by saying to all of you, from all of us stupid, stubborn WWs:
I"M SO SORRY!!!!

shock.
Sorry man. I know where you are at. Uhm. End it. Make her accountable. My $50 says she is still in the affair. IF she isn't involving you in any way like you sound, it's amiss...

The truth will set you free.

L4D4,

Hi. I'm right there with you. Some days good, some days bad.

Runningwithscissors and I have been on a thread dealing with this issue. You should read it and maybe gain some insight. Follow this link.

Also, myself and Recovering H have been on a thread talking about what our WWs have been feeling. Look at me too.

Your wife has belly-flopped into a big mud puddle and splashed some mud on you. Yeah, you got dirty, but she is beside herself with the fact that she is COVERED in mud and needs to clean herself up before she can do anything else. At this point you have to ask yourself:

Am I going to yell at her for getting mud on me? (The selfish answer that will lead to D).

- OR -

Am I going to help her get cleaned up and out of the puddle? (The selfless answer that will lead to a recovered M).

Don't want to sound too glib. I have screwed up my wife's recovery too. It happens, we are human. Why just yesterday, I remember... ROFL. Dust youself off, and get back to it.

And is it FAIR? NO. But if life were fair, there would be referees. See any?

We are all here with you. There is a LOT of us and we do care. We give each other hope. If you are concerned about anything, stop and ASK US. At the very least, you will have time to think about it before you love bust. And we just might suprise you too.

NCWalker

FinallyLearning,

Can I transplant your brain into my wifes???? I feel like Steve Martin in "The Man with Two Brains"

Just kidding but thanks for the most positive post I've read in a couple of days.

cymanca,

you are welcome, i'm glad it helped and just so you know, i was once like your W is now... and for a very long time!!

keep the faith!!