My husband has been having a EA(I think it would be classified as such!) for year now. He met a woman at a business conference and has been emailing and calling her since. He writes her of his troubles, his deep thoughts and problems and of the little everyday things in his life. By no means has ours been a perfect marriage, we've been in trouble for years with the emotional distance ever increasing. It seems that every few months we make an effort to try to connect by communicating. He told me of this woman but I already knew because I had been reading his email. Of course his version of the platonic relationship and the one I saw him writing was not in sync. Granted I am biased but I am pretty sure he was way infatuated with this woman. On the flip side, her emails don't seem to be at all too personal, she writes about her life, including her husband but never ever about any feelings regarding my husband. My husband recently went to her state with a couple of other male friends, they did meet up with her for about an hour but that was it (as far as I can tell). We've been really trying to work on our marriage by talking, talking, talking lately but its killing me knowing what I know and him keeping saying that the OW is just a friend to talk to. My ?? is should I tell or should I use the inside info I have to try to work on the bad parts of our marriage?

If the emails haven't gotten TOO personal I think that I would continue to monitor them very closely. You could also do fun things like block her email from his account (esp if it's yahoo or something) and see if how he reacts when he thinks she's not emailing him back. If he revs up really upset he'll be forced to tell her that she's important to him and she'll either reciprocate or reject him. He'll also be very confused about how she got blocked. Either way, you at least get to more truth.

This method is fun when you're not sure because you get lots of info and it's the most subtle way to indicate he's not doing this in private. He either has to a. confront you about whether or not you infiltrated his email and blocked her (unlikely if he's a conflict avoider) and this will bring it out into the open anyhow. or b. he figures he pushed a funny button or something and continues, unraveled and maybe a little rawer giving you even more info.

My feeling: WS lie. The only truth you'll ever uncover is the unscripted reality of people who don't know they're being watched. I don't mean to be melodramatic and creepy. Just been there, done that and know what has been most effective. You have control right now. It's hard to let go of that, especially when it's so carefully on the line.

Take care and I know it's nauseating either way.

DEvastation, yes, I would approach him with this information. For 2 reasons. The first is that this may be headed for something much more serious if you don't step in and put a stop to it now.

Secondly, your marriage has a serious problem and keeping this secret will do nothing but hinder any possible hope of recovery. Honesty is the solution, not more secrets. And until all the truth comes out and is addressed, your marriage will not get any better.

So, I would tell him that you know about his EA and the emails, but do it in a non love busting manner and assure him that you want to learn to make him happy in your marriage. You want to be firm and ask him to end all contact and send her a no contact letter.

There are lots of resources on this website, and I would also suggest getting His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley to help you all determine what has led to all this. Another is the emotional needs questionaires that you can get on the MB home page.

Lastly, I would keep an eye on things until he regains your trust by putting some spyware on his computer. He will be more careful with the emails after your talk, so you will need to get something in place to make sure the affair really does end. I used Starr spyware at www.iopus.com and found it very effective. It did alot to help restore the trust in my marriage.

I have to disagree that if you don't step in right away it will escalate. I think you have some time to bide. She clearly from what you described isn't interested. This is a GOOD thing. Disclosing this to your husband could send him into a tailspin causing him to engage in even MORE deceptive behavior and making you out to be unfairly intrusive and judgemental. I mean, in his eyes, he already TOLD you about her (and in all honesty that does mean something) and she's just his friend! You pretty much already have his defense. Except now you'll remove a very important check and balance system.

My hope would be that as you progress in your marriage he moves away from this behavior slowly or crashes and burns. It's not just my hope, my from my own experience. If the emails were explicit, gushy and otherwise inappropriate I'd have completely different advice. It's been a YEAR. That's pretty slow (and positive).

Devastation, I would have to disagree, the problem can't be solved if it isn't out on the table, and you do have a problem. There is no reason to sit around and do nothing while they get closer and closer. Keeping silent is not a Marriage Builders principle.

The longer the affair is allowed to go on, the harder it will be to end it. He is becoming more and more emotionally attached to this woman as time goes on.

And the OW might be saying no today, but that could easily change tomorrow given more opportunities.

Further silence solves nothing and only allows the relationship to go further than it would have gone had she not stepped in. There is no benefit in that.

Devastation,

I can see this is a very difficult and sensitive situation… It’s clear that your H has already become too attached to the OW emotionally. The problem is, right now, your H don’t realizes he is on dangerous grounds and involve in an EA because he view his relationship with this woman only as a friendship. In his mind and from his point of view, he is just talking to a close friend. Of course this is NOT just a platonic friendship, but your H can’t see this right now. I’m concerned about the fact that your H writes the OW of his troubles, his deep thoughts and problems… If this EA is allowed to continue, your H will indeed became more emotionally attached to OW and then it will become more difficult to break it off with her, BUT chances are great if you confront your H right now he will be in self-denial about this whole thing and interpreted your efforts to stop him from contacting the OW as demanding and controlling… Then chances are great that he will refuse and that it will lead to more deceptive and secretive behavior.

I can see the points of both the previous posters and I somewhat agree with both of them, so I don’t have a clear answer on this… Maybe it will help if you get hold of the book “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass and give it to your H to read ASAP. I just think it’s very important that first your H must realize himself that this involvement with OW IS NOT just an innocent friendship… In the meantime, here is a good article on Emotional Infidelity. Maybe you can print it out and give to your H to read. I remember while I was involved in a similar “friendship” than your H (I mostly correspond with the OM through e-mail) I didn’t know about the existence of EAs and I didn’t realize I was involved in one. I wasn’t even aware that I became emotionally too attached to OM till after my H discovered one of OMs e-mails to me and after I’ve discovered this website. I really think the same might be the case with your H. If he read that recommended book and article, it might be an eye-opener to him and it might open the door to further discussion about this between you and your H.

Good luck and blessings, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 04:26 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

While things may or may not escalate if you don't step in, what good would that do?


If they escalate - you deal with knowing you might have been able to nip this in the bud and fix your M if only you had acted.

If they don't - your H has learned that secrecy and "living on the edge" is fun, safe, and acceptable.

I agree that if things are not out in the open you cannot address them.

I heartily disagree that tampering with his account could be "fun" - that is a LB (independent behavior), goes against POJA, and is not Radically Honest.

If you bring this issue to your H's attention and he gets defensive and angry and the emails "disappear" THEN I'd stoop to spyware (which is an LB, not POJA, not RH - all those things I just said to avoid). The difference is right now you have the opportunity to fix problems before they get too bad and to begin your journey toward a better M by setting an example of how you would like to be treated yourself.

I just want to point out that once you reveal that you are in his email he will reset his password and you won't have access anymore.

Spyware...download it from the internet now.

This woman might be sneaky and avoid putting anything in emails that could cause damage. My H's OW was sneaky like this. She didn't realize that my H would respond to their phone conversations in emails and that gave it all away. She never put anything in an email...not because she wasn't doing anything wrong but because she is a pro at this and knows how to cover her tracks....or at least thought she did.

Don't take her "not personal" responses at face value.

Not trying to make you worry but I'm just being honest. It's hard to understand what you are going through but the people on these boards have been there and can help you make heads or tails of this activity.

It's wrong and yes it is an EA. Don't convince yourself that it's not because it is. Given more time together...whether in person or via email/phone calls this will blow up into a full blow PA.

You can stop this now.

Heros wife makes a great point,,,,

I did all the snooping but never any evidence of PA. Just knew she had changed and was calling a new number way to much.
Wife swore,,, He is just a friend we just talk you have nothing to be worried about.
She forgot to tell me that they had sex every time they saw each other.
Get this out now,, you will probably find there is more to this than a couple of e mails.

Not Just Friends

If you are not positive this is an EA I'd suggest you read this book. I think you'll quickly change your mind.

Start Plan A immediately. The relationship may already be too much for your H to walk away from. If you confront with the email account you will not have a way to track this relationship.

If you do plan to do that get spyware before you do so you'll be able to get his new password.

Good luck. Let us know how things are going. Is there anything else we can give you support with? You will need all the support you can get as you move into this.