My WS said to be last night "If you could have only loved me." She and I are going to separate. She is moving half way across the country to be with the OM. So why am I crying?


d-day may 22
married 28 yrs
me-52
she-50
3 kids (28,25 & 18)

Did she feel like you didn't love her or is this some history revision?

She feels that I din't love her. Or I didn't love her like she needed to be loved. She comes from an abusive childhood and has a great need for affection. I did my best to love her.

Did she feel you didn't love her before the affair? Or is this something that she has come up with SINCE the affair?

And hopeful, please don't despair. I know this is devastating, but this is FAR FROM OVER. You do have some opportunities here. We have seen far worse situations end up in reconciliation.

Hopeful, sorry to interfere here, but you said your W comes from an abusive childhood… Did she receive any IC for that? If not and if she can’t afford IC, the following book: “Toxic Parents” written by Dr Susan Forward will be very helpful. It contains all the steps to work through unresolved issues, feelings etc. However, if the abuse was of sexual nature, IC is an absolute MUST. If the abuse was of sexual nature and if you can reconcile and she became willing to read and post on these boards, I can give a link to a thread for FWS’s who are survivors of sexual abuse. Those thread also contains some useful website links on the topic of child abuse.

Take care,
Suzet

Suzet*--I don't think the abuse was sexual. But it was physical beatings by her mother, verbal and emotional abuse by her mother. Her Dad just stayed away and didn't address it. So she has a high need for acceptance and affection. Probalby and inordinate need for affection.

Hello hopeful - I felt the same way before & after my A as your W, I too grew up in an emotionally abusive home, have a great need for affection, reassurance of love and because of my early childhood have really low self esteem. I married my H who did not help to raise my self esteem, in fact he would tell/show me that he did not love me, threaten D when the kids are grown, etc. etc., so I really never felt loved, I was in my 40's and thought I would spend the rest of my life not knowing what it is to be loved. That is why I turned away from my M and chose to have an A.

After discovering the A my H did an amazing Plan A, showed me how much he did love me, it made me do a 180 from walking away from the M to staying and seeing if we can fulfill each other's emotional needs and have the M we both wanted.

I have not read your other posts but have you done plan A? The emotional needs questionnaires did help us to open up the lines of communication, we have actually completed them a few times. My h tries hard to fulfill my top need for communication and I feel better about my M, feel better about myself.

I agree with Suzet, if the abuse is sexual IC is definately needed, perhaps if it is emotional IC would help, but don't give up, keep plan A'ing to show her that you are capable of fulfilling all her needs.
Sandy

Sandy-I have been Plan Aing for only 6 weeks but she continues the A. She and the OM talk every day. It breaks my heart. I can't bear this any more. She says he loves her and she loves him and is going to him. Plan A is not working here. We have had the very best communication of our entire marriage the last 6 weeks but the A continues. So I am at a loss. Time for Plan B.

write the letter


ark

Honestly I think Plan A until she leaves, if she chooses to leave to be with this OM I would then give her the Plan B letter and hope she sees the light. I understand where Arc is coming from but I think you still need to do Plan A a little longer

Has the OM W come to this site too? it may help if you are both practicing the MB principles - I have read the other posts, and my heart breaks for you. Your wife is honestly in a fog, this fantasy of being with your HS sweetheart,

If you can do Plan A till she leaves I think it is a good idea, that would give you 3 1/2 months (provided she leaves in August) 6 weeks is not enough although I know it is hard with A still going on, keep reading what Plan A is -
I honestly think that once she goes to be with this OM her fantasy will come crashing down,

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

Hopeful, it’s indeed scary how big influence unresolved childhood issues like abuse can have on an adult and the effect on the self-esteem etc. It’s very complex. Although emotional abuse doesn’t leave any physical scars, it don’t make the affects and damage it cause any less than physical abuse. These things make a person like your W more needy and as a result more vulnerable to an A. However, those things can be overcome and once a person like your W has became aware of her own weaknesses/vulnerabilities, she can start to work on those issues and set strong boundaries for herself regarding people of the opposite sex. As a result of my own childhood abuse I’m more prone to become emotionally too attached and dependent on other people. This makes me more vulnerable towards opposite sex friendships and therefore I don’t allow myself to have close opposite sex friendships anymore.

I know this post was a bit "off topic", but I just wanted to talk to you about it. You must understand I DON'T say the abuse is an exuse for her behaviour - NOT AT ALL - the A was still her CHOICE, but if both of you can begin to understand the dynamics and role of childhood abuse, I think it will help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 08:04 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

The 18 yr old leaves for college in August. He will be 2 hours away from me. Yes she does plan on moving 1200 miles away to be with the OM. The 2 grown children live in DC and Fla. So she will be very far away from them. Suzet*-she is not willing to go to counseling she is cake eating and wants to stay for the kid. The kid doesn't even want to talk to her now. I think ARK is right-I'm writing the Plan B letter today along with getting my legal and financial situation in order.

Suzet - I agree, I feel the same, "As a result of my own childhood abuse I’m more prone to become emotionally too attached and dependent on other people. This makes me more vulnerable towards opposite sex friendships and therefore I don’t allow myself to have close opposite sex friendships anymore."
I think sometimes it is hard for people who have not had the same life experiences to understand.

Hopeful, I have edited my other post to add something. Please read it. Just in case you have missed it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm sorry you're a victim of infidelity and your W's A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I really hope things will work out for you...

Why does she continue to blame me for her A? She says if I had loved her this would have never happened. She even told me that she could not have made it without the OM in her life the last 5 years because her "spirit was broken". The other thing is this. This is not her 1st A. She has admitted to a ONS and a 4 month A earlier in our marriage that I knew nothing about.

hopeful,

Why does she continue to blame me for her A? She says if I had loved her this would have never happened. She even told me that she could not have made it without the OM in her life the last 5 years because her "spirit was broken".

PUKE!!!!

So many WS say this; it's in the script, I promise. She blames you because what she has done is so horrible, and at some level she knows it. She knows she is a "nice person" so it CAN'T be her fault! Therefore it must all be your fault. Please try not to let remarks like this fester; I know how much they hurt but it really is not the truth and you have better things on which to focus.

Regarding "if you had loved her" and "her spirit is broken", well, puke again but there is something to be learned from this. There are things you could do for her that would make her *feel* loved. Of course you love her dearly; you're fighting for your M even though she's treated you wretchedly.

Please think about how you have shown your love in the past. No need to post any answers here, but consider it. Do you work overtime to provide nice things when she really wants conversation and affection from you? Or do you buy her gifts and cards when she'd really like the garage cleaned out or a break from the kids?

I assume you know all about ENs by now. You might also find The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman to be helpful. I found it quite enlightening. It talks about how we choose to express our love to our mates. Some touch their mates. Some buy little gifts. Some do helpful acts of service. Like meeting ENS, where we tend to meet the ENs *we* think are important (and frequently expend a lot of effort making little to no deposits in our spouse's love bank), we tend to communicate our love in the language that *to us* says "I love you". Our mates may not hear and understand that language.

For example, my love language is Verbal and my H's is Acts of Service. I would love nothing more than to get a little surprise note on my pillow or in my car, or to get a quick email from him telling me a reason he loves me or thinks I'm pretty or thanking me for something I said or did recently. That would light me up and let me sail for a couple of days, maybe longer. Really.

My husband, though, doesn't do those things (I need to teach him). What he *does* do is sneak over to my car while I'm in taekwondo class, change my burned out headlight, and leave the empty box and burned out headlight on the driver's seat so I know he's been there and fixed it for me. That took a lot of thoughtfulness, running around, and planning on his part. It was REALLY sweet. I appreciate the thoughfulness and the effort involved, and the surprise put a smile on my face. But none of it made my heart flip. A love letter would have.

It could be that in the past you met *your* needs and spoke to her in *your* love language, which left her feeling unloved, empty, and broken.

There is also the possibility that you did all this right and she's so deep in the fog that she can't remember. It does happen.

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>