Hello out there. I have a question for all you BS's.

I am the WW and I desperately want to work on our marriage. My A was very brief and i feel terrible about it.

My H is so angry and confused. When I read your posts I see that so many of you are so willing to do whatever it takes to make the M work even if it means admitting some fault for what led to the A. I don't believe that my H is any way at fault for anything - I am the one who decided to have the A, but what can I do to help him see that we have something worthwhile? Did your WS's do anything specific?

I tell him I love him all the time. He sees my anguish over what I did daily. And, I have made sure to maintain physical intimacy with him (which he does not refuse btw). I feel like he thinks his indifference is my punishment. I just don't want to start withdrawing.

I have told him that I am 100% committed to this M and I know I will make the same mistake again. What else can I do?

Boss,

Thought I'd do some editing...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have told him that I am 100% committed to this M and I know I will (not) make the same mistake again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you posted as to why you had the affair? That will explain alot as to what H is feeling.

In my case there was disbelief, anger (& related desire for revenge), depression ( & related feelings of shame and humiliation) & now I think acceptance. I also felt guilt. Eventhough the BS is not a fault for the decision made by the WS/FWS, they still usually feel guilt. Could they have changed things if thay had acted this way or that way or had they been able to pick up on the unhappiness of the WS.

The mind of the BS is incredibly active with all sorts of thoughts as well as the sights & sounds of the A.

cwmac

Boss -

You are 3 weeks post d-day. Right now your H is in a great deal of pain. This will not go away quickly.

My FWH was terrible to me during this time. He was still in the fog. You sound like you are completely fog free. That's a good sign.

As a BS I can tell you that there will be times when it won't matter what you do or say. It will not help. But the times when your H will allow you to be close to him or talk to him just show him how truly sorry you are and assure him you love him.

Get him on this site. Print the articles out for him. Read the books....if he won't you read them and show him you are working on you. He has to decide if he wants to forgive you but you can help him make that decision.

Are you in MC or IC? I also took anti-d's during this time. I thought I was going to die from the pain.

Stay on these boards. Let the people here help you. Read and read and read and learn from others.

Cwmac,

Wow, what an awful slip. Thanks for the edit.

As for why I had the A, I still don't know. My H has always been wonderful to me and supportive in all that I do. I guess part of me felt stagnant in my life though. I've not been happy in the town we live for quite some time. Maybe, the longing for something different led to it. I just don't know. I told H that I wanted to try to find these answers together.

I know he is in terrible pain and confusion. I desperately want to ease his pain any way I can, but I don't know if that is within my power. The thought of how much pain I have caused him is tearing me up inside. I know that the only way to heal from this is together cuz I will remain in pain as long as he is.

Try getting the book "Torn Asunder" and reading "the message of the affair" section. It was very helpful to me.

BS's tend to believe that they did something wrong, and their self-esteem is very low. It helps to read that it may not even be about them at all.

We are about 2 months post D day. My WW read the book After the Affair as did I. The book was a tremendous help. I admit that there are times that no matter what she says or does I am still upset, angry and have the how could you do this to me and our daughter, and so on. I can tell you that for me it has been a constant inner struggle. WW has shown me that she is committed she calls me several times a day to say "I love you" she emails me and spends all of her time away from work with me attending to my emotional needs. For years we had sex once or twice a month because she did not want to. Now she makes love to me almost daily ( talk about getting your needs meet). My point is she is going the extra mile to show me she loves me and wants to be with me and she also tells me that everyday. Even when I go off on her about affair stuff she says "I appologize for doing that and I know I hurt you and I love you, I hurt when I see you are hurting." Do not give up you must work hard to regain what you lost.

Tellmewhy

bosstenor,

As others have said, you're very soon post DDay.

Let's see, what is your H feeling?
- That he's not good enough, in ANY way. Not smart enough, not handsome enough, not a good enough provider, not a good enough parent, not interesting enough.... the list is endless.
- That he's a fool. This was going on right in his own M and he didn't know it.
- That you might not be serious about staying; that you might flee at any moment.
- That you're only back because you need his money, want the kids, like the house... any reason but that you want HIM.

Your desire to explore the A together is a gift to him. He may not know that now but he will later. My H's EA was 2.5 years ago (can it be that long? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) and he still doesn't know why it happened. This does not make me feel secure AT ALL. If he/we don't know why it happened, how can we protect our M?

Your H is probably feeling quite insecure now. Here are a few things you can do to help him feel safer:
- Write a NC letter together, and mail it together or let him mail it. Also send a copy to OM's W.
- Avoid OM completely. Change jobs if you have to, or churches, or the little league team your kid is in.
- Be an open book to your H. Provide him with access to all financial records, phone records, email and voicemail passwords, etc.
- Answer any questions your H has truthfully and completely. If you think the answer might be too painful for him, ask him if he's sure he wants to hear the answer. But NEVER lie to him, even lies of omission.

He won't believe your words for a while. They'll sound hollow and cheap and empty. Show him through your actions that you're in this now for the long haul. Give him back rubs, take out the trash, voice your appreciation for the various things he does.

Reading SAA together is a good idea, too.

Thank you for all your expertise. Your words are a comfort to me. Patience is never something I've been very good at. I will learn though.

As a BS I can honestly tell you that a WS has absolutely no idea the emotional pain of finding out that someone they truly loved had an A. You go through so many feelings and think almost anything. Any little thing no matter how insignificant to you may set your H off about the A. I feel that as long as you are truthful and honest that is a big start. The indifference is just his way of protecting himseld from the hurt. One thing I learned is you have to let your H get over this in his own way and in his own time. If he needs to ask 100 questions then you need to listen. Yes patience is the key. I would give anything to have my WS come home. Even through all the hurt I miss him terribly and would do whatever I could to have him him hold me in his arms again. Good luck!

Boss,
Earlier I said... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The mind of the BS is incredibly active with all sorts of thoughts as well as the sights & sounds of the A.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wanted to elaborate. Right after DDay2 I thought about the Affair and its aftermath (BTW, Turtle hit his internal struggles on the nose. Read them again and again)constantly. Not every waking minute but at least some aspect once an hour. I'm not a good enough, husband, lover, father, friend, employee, human being. I did alot of comparing to the OM.

Now those thoughts are fewer and furhter between. I ususally don't think of the A unless something specific triggers me. Even coming here doesn't trigger me in a negative way.

These days the trigger usually need to be something major wheras right after DDay2 everything was a trigger. The best example of somehting that triggered me recently was the movie, Along came Polly.

In the very beginning there is a wedding and the main male character marries the love of his life. On their honeymoon, she gets caught with the local scuba charter guy in the cabin of his boat. I think you remember my post to KiwiJ about boats. This was a major trigger. In the end he also didn't chose his W.

Anyway my point is that there are references to infidelity on TV and the movies all of the time and it doesn't bother me. It only did when it was very close to my specific situation.

You probably don't want to give as much info as I have about OM and W but just keep in mind that early on there will be lots of triggers both small and large and as time goes on they will be more situation specific.

cwmac

CW -

I saw that movie the other night and it completely threw me for a loop. I cried and had to leave the room.

Boss -

I think you are foturnate to have some very wise people posting to you right now. Turtle's summary was awesome and 100% how I feel as a BS.

Your H is lucky to have a WW that is taking the steps you are taking right now. I have no doubt you'll be moving to recovery some day. That day will not be next week and probably won't be next month but it's coming. You will need a great deal of patience with your BS right now.

I will warn you that I had times of wanting to hurt my FWH...not by having an A myself but by hammering him with negative comments....like others stated before...Why? How could you? You're sick and you do not deserve me or our children! Yes I said that. I didn't mean it. I was hurting and saying those things put our recovery back a great deal.

I just want you to be prepared for this if it happens. Know that he doesn't mean it.....I like to think it's a type of BS FOG. I had times where my BS FOG was lifted and I knew what I was doing was wrong and I'd try to make up for it. Then I'd hit another trigger....like seeing her car or driving past her neighborhood and the FOG would set back in....next thing you know I'd have another fit. I would get in my car and drive for hours just trying to talk myself into leaving him.

If you follow the advice given here you can avoid that or at least head it off at the pass.

First step...get the books recommended.

One of the earlier repliers said this, but, what your H is going through is pure hellish torture. Everything he ever knew is gone. Confidence, trust, hope, his manhood, his pride, his honor ... on and on. He has mental pictures in his head that won't go away for a long time. Movie scenes, songs, different situations will set him off (triggers) that will cause him to go back and totally question you all over again, and in turn question himself and his own worth as a man.

What to do about it: Shower him with love (don't smother) - give him room when he needs it. - meet his needs - give him something to look forward to... a trip, vacation, something like that. It will just take time.

I wish my wife would ask these questions! I don't think she cares enough about meeting any needs because of all the confusion she's in. I'd give anything to have my wife so concerned about me again.

Wow! All of you are so generous with your feelings.

Although I may never feel what my H is feeling, my goal is to be sympathetic and understanding. You all are helping me reach that goal.

I ache inside for the pain I have caused my H. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself. Should he ever decide to forgive me I know it will be nothing short of a gift from God.

"Let's see, what is your H feeling?
- That he's not good enough, in ANY way. Not smart enough, not handsome enough, not a good enough provider, not a good enough parent, not interesting enough.... the list is endless.
- That he's a fool. This was going on right in his own M and he didn't know it.
- That you might not be serious about staying; that you might flee at any moment.
- That you're only back because you need his money, want the kids, like the house... any reason but that you want HIM."

Turtle, I can't believe I have done this to such a wonderful man. I have so much respect and love for him and look at what I've done. Will I ever get him to believe me? I must have been completely insane.

RWS - I'm so sorry for your anguish. Hopefully, with time, she will come to realize you are still the man she fell in love with. Those feelings are just burried to deep right now for her to recognize them. Hang in there.

You said: "give him something to look forward to... a trip, vacation, something like that. It will just take time."

A couple of months ago before all this happened, we started planning a trip with some friends for the fall of next year. I told him the other day that that trip was my goal to hopefully be happy by then. I feel like that will give us both something to work toward. He didn't say anything so I don't know how he felt about that. Is that what you mean?

Boss

Boss,
RWS said

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Shower him with love (don't smother) - give him room when he needs it. - meet his needs - </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is an interesting one. As he points out you want to show your H that you love him but you also don't want to go overboard. Because men normally don't like to be showered especially when they are rhuminating on a problem.

The best way I've heard this described is in "Men are from Mars...Venus" He illustrates the process that a man goes thru as "being in his cave" He goes there to think about and/or work on his problems. He needs this time away.

Venutians are not allowed in the caves. Nor is it wise to stand at the mouth of the cave to greet him as he exits. He may just turn around and go right back in for another spell.

Venutians don't understand the need to do this bc they solve problems differently (won't go into it) Since they don't understand this behavior they get upset. When the man is in the cave they say," Why won't you talk to me. What's wrong!" They also need to be there once the man emerges from the cave. Not only be there but welcome him back and be supportive and don't hold it against him that he's been in there thinking.

I strongly recommend this book. It will help clear up any communication problems that you and H have had.

Needless to say communication is vital in the aftermath of the A.

cwmac

Heroswife,
Sorry I didn't mean to ignore your comment about the "Polly" movie was just trying to finish my line of thought to Boss.

That scene on the boat really s4$%ed for me. That's where they did it. Although he had a little piss ant boat compared to the Kat in the movie.

Today was my first visit to the beach since DDAy2. I kept looking out to sea north westward. Was wondering exactly where they were. They jumped in the water afterwards to "cleanse" themselves. Where are all the Great Whites when you need them? Pickin' on the poor sealions I guess.

Oh well. At least on a scale of 1-10. It was only a 5.

cwmac

<small>[ July 03, 2004, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Boss you said my goal is to be sympathetic and understanding.

At this point sympathy may not be your best friend...try empathising..,understand sure but feel his pain...from where he is standing...not your pain from where he is standing.


Max.

boss

Please read as much as you can on affairs. Janis Spring's After The Affair is an excellent book.

I say read because you are just starting to realize what you are up against.

Dr Harley compares discovering an affair to being physically raped. The late Shirley Glass compares it to the sudden unexpected death of someone you love. Others compare it to the unexpected death of one of your children.

And while that may sound extreme over the last couple of years I have seen many BSs who either were raped or lost a child say the affair hurt as much or more than the rape or loss of a child.

Reading will also help you prepare for what all is involve in recovery. Its a very long and painful process for many. Peggy Vaughan author of Monogamy Myth says it takes at least 2 full years to fully recover up to 5 years. Now recovery is a process things move slowly forward it doesn't happen all at once. And for every two steps forward there are going to be steps backward from time to time.

His pain and anger over the affair will continue to rise for the first 6 months if he is like alot of BSs.

He will speak many harsh things to you. Threats of leaving and divorce are common. Wild mood swings from wanting to hold and love you forever to saying you are worth loving anymore are common....they call it the rollercoaster of recovery for a reason.

Hang in there and be patient. Buckle up its a bumpy ride. When it gets tough post here you will get alot of support.