I've been going through this whole infidelity nightmare for quite some time now. Although we have been reconciling since April of last year....I still feel, well, awful. In fact, there are many days when I just can't get past the lies, deception, and hurt. Been to IC and MC. WS tries hard most days to do everything in his power but....honestly, when I saw the post about why stay married, I had to read it a couple of times and ask myself that same question. Why? I think that I am at a huge crossroads. I have learned through all of this that I will probably never trust him again and while I love him, I am hardened by his long term A with the OW and the many, many lies etc. I feel, now, differently.

(Brief synopsis--Been together 11 years. Affair lasted for about 1 year. WS moved in with OW. OW dumps WS for her H after several weeks. WS comes home reluctantly and continues A for 7 more months. Meanwhile, WS takes this all out on me. Big financial mess with him coming and going, tons of horrendous arguments. Finally, all said and done with OW last April. A NC letter was never written and we just basically changed our phone numbers.)

My point is this, if I am sure that I will never trust him again why should I stay? Sometimes I get hit with this large slab of reality that says why on earth are we banging our heads against the wall? There are literally millions of people in the world. Surely some of them don't cheat and lie to their spouses. Surely some of them will have beautiful qualities and be loving and faithful etc. Why not grieve, get over it and move on? Okay, easier said than done...I know. Some of you are probably thinking well, because you didn't make vows to those people etc. Gotcha but at what point do you say...what was there will never come back due to all this mess? I'm still bitter and hurt {Obviously}. Been to counseling, prayed about it, and frankly, I'm tired of living it. I am beginning to think happiness lies elsewhere. I can't even be intimate without thinking about everything--been faking it pretty well but...ugh. Someone talk to me. I hate having OW in my life even though she isn't. I hate that I will never trust him again. I hate that things are different. I think I want out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Although we have been reconciling since April of last year....I still feel, well, awful.

If you stayed together another year, this may change. No guarantee. The A was basically a year and a half, the recovery is usually double the affair time.

In fact, there are many days when I just can't get past the lies, deception, and hurt.

You mean the PAST lies, deception, and hurt, is that correct? it's NOT ongoing is it?

I think that I am at a huge crossroads.

I agree. A crossroads for sure. Be sure to examine your motives carefully before you choose a path. Ask yourslef if you are stalled because of something within yourself you are unwilling to change?

I have learned through all of this that I will probably never trust him again and while I love him, I am hardened by his long term A with the OW and the many, many lies etc. I feel, now, differently.

You will never trust anyone in that same innocent way ever again... not just your H.



My point is this, if I am sure that I will never trust him again why should I stay?

Are you sure?

Do you trust yourself? Your judgement? Your instincts? Your courage? Your motives?

I found that the real recovery began when I began to self-trust again.

Sometimes I get hit with this large slab of reality that says why on earth are we banging our heads against the wall?

What wall? The difficulty of recovery is DAMN real .... and it is not a wall, more like a series of hurdles.

There are literally millions of people in the world. Surely some of them don't cheat and lie to their spouses. Surely some of them will have beautiful qualities and be loving and faithful etc. Why not grieve, get over it and move on?

Well .... who says you will trust those other people either?

Okay, easier said than done...I know. Some of you are probably thinking well, because you didn't make vows to those people etc.

Nope... I am not thinking this.

I am thinking you are entitled to a divorce if you have been betrayed by infidelity. One must choose to recover. Getting a divorce is a legitimate other choice.

I'm still bitter and hurt {Obviously}.

And this makes you an un-wise partner for the next marriage as well ... so the bitter and hurt must be dealt with .... in or out of the marriage.

Can you imagine yourself getting married to a man who was still bitter and hurt from his previous marriage??? YIKES! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />


Been to counseling, prayed about it, and frankly, I'm tired of living it.

It's exhausting. Why don't you give yourself a break?

I am beginning to think happiness lies elsewhere.

Happiness is not found just by being with others... if you are bitter and hurt, there is a block to your happiness... you must remove this block before you can be happy (anywhere)... in or out of your marriage.

I can't even be intimate without thinking about everything--been faking it pretty well but...ugh.

Faking it robs you of your personal integrity. That is, the responsibility to voice what is wrong and work together to try and solve the problem.

If you fake it with your H ... you bury the problem deeper.

Someone talk to me. I hate having OW in my life even though she isn't.

Your thoughts about her keep her in your life.

I hate that I will never trust him again. I hate that things are different. I think I want out.

Wherever you go, there YOU are.

Learn to self-trust first... only when you do trust yourself to handle life's problems with strength and courage ( and that INCLUDES confronting your husband with the "faking it" issue ) will you be able to begin to trust your husband.... OR, anyone else for that matter.

Start with yourself. Get yourself a strategy to increase your self-trust.

Pep

nine line:

I have to agree with all that Pep said. In my short nine months of (he!!) recovery I have come to the realization that my recovery depends on ME! It's inside ME!

This quote struck me:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am beginning to think happiness lies elsewhere.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Happiness does not lie elsewhere - it is something that is from within. NO ONE can give it to you.

You do have the choice - stay and mend your M, or leave and D. No matter what you do, you still have YOU.

I am trying with all my might right now to BE MY OWN BEST FRIEND. I have spent so many years being my own worst enemy. I sounded just like you!

Love yourself....most importantly, for who you are. The good and the bad. The virtues and the vices. Accept your failings as well as rejoice in your successes.

Think about it.
I wish you luck and love.