I am tired of the rollercoasters, I am sick of my open options.... I am so tired of myself. It's like there is a new trend SELF HATRED! I want to go, I want to stay.... I do not know if I can live with my husband. I think maybe I made a poor choice.... sometimes I am happy sometimes I'm not! I am fedup with myself, fed up with him......I cannot be optomistic anymore about anything. I am falling apart. I think I should be posting good results.. since there has been no contact "so I think"... but I'm NEGATIVE NEGATIVE... I doubt my marriage will survive. Some things have changed, but most didn't. I realized I still have the same ole husband, and we're going back to the same old marriage. He is rocking me into a rollercoaster. Ever since this affair, I've been very vulnerable! And I am not as strong anymore.
My medical condition is part of it, but I know I am losing my MIND!!!!!!!!! I AM LOSING IT!

I'm sorry.. I just need to vent. i am very grateful for all the support I get here, I try to be positive, I just feel like I haven't done anything for me......really... I feel trapped!

I don't know.. help me out guys!

Harudah girl,

Take a DEEEP cleansing breath.In.......out.....

I am sorry to hear you are so upset.It's par for the course as you know.What have you done lately for yourself? It sounds like you are majorly overwhelmed and need a break.It's ok to break away from working on a marriage from time to time as long as there is the understanding that it is just a break.It's hard work.Like lifting weights you can't do it constantly for days and days.Maybe you need to get out and do something fun with your WH.Something that you can do together without the pressure of marital work.

Have you made a list of the things that you feel need addressing and to be changed for you to feel good about your marriage? How about your WH? It sounds like you are stuck but you can get out of the muck if you talk to your WH and tell him you need his help.He is most likely feeling a bit down too.

How about getting out for a walk to clear your head?

O

I've become a hermit.. I rarel go out... I don't talk to anyone for weeks, like I feel ok that way.. I mean I talk online, but its not real talk from person to person. I know I could not change him when we got married, but since we are really cool together, like we think the same about life, we have the same opinions on most subjects. He is someone I love to talk to beleive it or not, but there are things about him that I wish he could change, but I doubt that will be. Maybe I should change!

See he is very negative about a lot of things and unflexible! There is noway you can make him do things until it is "TIME" he do thing on his own time and noway anyone can fix that.
I think I should have been a stronger woman and make decisions for myself....but I've lazy and being sick doesn't help either.. so I hate myself for screwing up while I had the time to fix things.
We're going to his parents house this weekend that usually get us away from the city life, and get fresh air........but I don't feel like going.. I don't want to see anyone.
I'm hypersensitive about everything, and this will get me nowhere.
I should call my mom........maybe...but things will just get worse if I do.....I haven't talk to my mom in over a YEAR, and its killing me!

I have a lot of things that will hinder my recovery from his affair......issues that were in my subconscious that are coming up and is not helping my mental health. I took a test on depression online and it told me to call 911!

thanks for listening Octobergirl..
I did take a walk yesterday, and it was nice to hear people say hello and smile. (of course I had my "public face" on.)

oh well... I need to numb my pain...

harudah -

You keep forgetting that you are a princess.

Here is some advice from Recovering H. I thought it made sense.

. But one thing that could help you, would be to sit down and make a list of all the positives and negatives to your Marriage. (I think you've covered many of the negatives in your original question.) Next place a weighted score next to each item (rank them on a scale of 0-5, with 5 being that you feel really good about and zero you feel really crappy about-in other words, that item needs lots of improvement). Next add up your scores and put a date on the list. Then keep it. Now you don't want to score your marriage too often or you won't see any significance in improvements or otherwise. Probably do this either quarterly or every six months. Try to do this when you feel good (physically, mentally, etc.), but the next time you do the scoring your mental state should be about the same as it was originally. See where I'm going? One of the things I notice at work is that those who don't "keep score" don't make as much progress as those who do.

Now once you've done this scoring, try to focus YOUR efforts on one area. When you see change here, go to the next area. Remember though that you can't control your H, only yourself. So work on yourself first. Now from what I know of you on this site, you seem to have your act together and that's good. But as you continue to work on yourself and your part of the marriage, your H will see this and may decide to come along for the ride.

Now the 2nd thing you need to remember is that everybody is different. Your H may have already "processed his A" (but he may not have and he definitely didn't with you). But if we've learned anything today, it is difficult if not impossible to make somebody else do exactly as we want. So if you want your H to "process the EA's" with you, you'll have to tread carefully in trying to pull this information out of him. However, if you are able to use the top item to help improve your marriage, you may eventually get him to help you with what you need. (In other words be patient, very, verry patient.)

On a side note, Onlywords today asked me "where's that book you wanted me to work through with you?" The book being Torn Assunder. Blessings come when you least expect them.

You responded to me the other day and made me feel better-Changed my name for a few days (CoolDuck)
Anyway I feel just like you. I don't even know if I want my M to work. My life seems like it was before the A and it wasn't great. And now to have a FWH that refuses to try and isn't sure if wants to doesn't put me in a great place.
But I have been trying to focus on me. I was moping around the house, sometimes not even getting dressed until late in the day, when I decided that it wasn't healthy and I was hurting myself. I forced myself to go shopping (something I love) and I bought hundreds of dollars worth of clothes. I laughed the whole time because thanks to my [censored] of a H I was buying 3 sizes smaller than usual and i was looking great. I bought sexy clothes and underwear for me (not him)I went and got my nails and hair done. I have an appointment for a massage next week. And to top it off I went to a bar for a drink after shopping by myself (something I would never do) and I was hit on by a very handsome man. I simply stated that I was M and he said "is your H an idiot to let you out of his sight". This man was a gift from God. I needed to hear that I was something. Anyway I am trying (notice I said trying) to think positive. What I am trying to focus on is that I am a wonderful person and I deserve to be happy. I am allowing him to destroy me.
Please stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get out and do something for you. Try to take him out of the center of your life. Be good to yourself because if you can't respect you no one else will. No one knows more than me how hard it is, but please love yourself. You deserve more than you are getting. Go look in the mirror, give yourself a hug from me and say I am beautiful and I like me. Take care of yourself and focus on you.

OK, Harudah, this is what you need to do. It is the first baby-step in getting where you need to be.

Go get a pedicure. And get your hair done at a PROFESSIONAL salon. Is is still orange?

Make sure you have a few things to wear that look good on you. Get out of your BATHROBE.

I want the princess back. I know she is still in there. She just has to get to the point where she throws off all this CRAP that is weighing her down, and BREAK FREE!!!

Come on, girlfriend! You need to play some Tina Turner songs. Did she let any man ever bring her down like this? And keep her there? NO! She probably thought, at her worst times with Ike that she had lost herself, but at some point she did what needed to be done - AND came out stronger, better, and more on the other side. And you will too. You just must not be ready yet.

SING YOUR SONG, GIRLFRIEND! Only you can do this. We can only encourage. And I can tell you, I know you will do it, I just don't know when. Like a scientist knows a volcano will blow, but they don't know when.

I'm the scientist, you are the volcano. You are so down it has affected your health. SNAP out of it!!! Don't make me cyber-slap you, or fly over to Brussels and beat you with brussel sprouts!!! Good thing I can't throw far, and I'm not very accurate - but the sight would probably make you laugh VERY hard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SS

harudah - When are you going to post your pictures on the MB picture list? I want to see you.

Oh god,

I woke up this morning.. finally ... in weeks, I haven't been able to get up, but thanks to my stomach, I had to get up because it wasn't helping to stay in bed.

First off, you guys made me cry.....somewhere around the world...you guys care about me, and actually listen. I appreciate it a lot you know. Thankyou.
Beleiver, I am going to do the score: the before and after......I'm so good at puzzles, that should keep me busy for a while. I see some of the negative and positives, depends on my mood swings and that change pretty quickly. I need some type of "stability" meter. I can go from a complete break down to pretending I am Tina Turner with noone around. As the only girl in my family, I learned to play all by myself pretty fast! So I'll need a "goodmoodolemeter"

Spider girl! ltns *hug* The hair is totally blonde now.....weird most people find it COOL because I have very like a coffee then you add milk to it complexion, (not dark enough for H)and blond hair... now picture this!

Now.. how do I post a picture? they are not very good quality, I took them on my webcam, but as long as i can share!
its almost 9 am, I'm going to the pharmacy, pick my medication, walk around, listen to positive music, see where it gets me.

I thought H would be mad at me this morning, but weird thing is, he wasn't at all. (I will never figure out this man) He came over to the bed as he does every morning after the A (that's one thing that has changed) to kiss me goodday and ask if pain was still there... most of the time, I used to be asleep by them. I wasn't today. Maybe I can flip things around.

Well...I'm like a seasaw, its either good or bad nothing in the middle. You guys are used to the swing yet?

Harudah,
Im sorry to see you had a bad day, and I hope you can take control of the seesaw.
I know you will be ok.

Harudah,
Im sorry to see you had a bad day, and I hope you can take control of the seesaw.
I know you will be ok. You have survived so well already!

Sending lots of love