I just got a call from my sister-in-law. The only member of my WW that has spoken to me since D day. We have always had a pretty good relationship and she and her life partner have two small boys whom I absolutely adore( and they LOVE me). Well after some general niceties, avoiding any mention of her WW sister, she asks if they can come visiting out here in California and use my San Diego condo. They have been doing this for the last few years. They live in New York and we usually have a blast especially with the boys( remember I do not have any children).

I was caught by surprise so I answered honestly, of course come out. "You are my family and you will always be welcome in my house".

Was I wrong in doing this since I am AGAIN dark. Does it include families of our loved WW's. My office staff heard part of the conversation and to a person said I was nuts for allowing it to happen. They said " You give, give and give and all you get back is a a kick in the teeth"

I feel I acted and did what is in my nature as a loving man whose most important jobs are his wife and his family. Did I screw up?

Hi Cymanca,

I'm glad you made it over here to GQ finally. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

IMO,you did a very loving thing by keeping your relationships with your WW family still intact.I still have a very loving and supportive relationship with my In-Laws,my SIL,her husband and my niece and I always will.They have been on "my side" this entire time and they keep telling me how I am always welcome no matter what happens and that they will never welcome the homewrecker into their family.

In my case too,I am not about to erase 20 years away just because my WH made a huge blunder in making the choice to commit adultery.They are like family to me and always will be and the feeling is mutual.In fact,I am going to see my SIL and my niece this weekend.I can't wait.

Plan B is for your WW not family unless WW is going to be there at the same time.

O

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

10Girl,

You RN's are special people!!! I guess I really have to trust what is in my heart and not what other people tell me( except you and the other fine people of MB).

You did the right thing, you do not have to change yourself for what she has done. Be yourself.. You only have to go dark to her, keep the family support its good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

10Girl & Harudah

I need a little prospective help today. I have found that since coming back from my mom's b-day party and my interaction with my WW, I am feeling an anger towards her that I did not feel before. It is accompanied by a growing feeling that I love her a LOT less then I ever thought. I could never before see my life CLEARLY without her but I find a growing cancer in me that says dump her. I have tried for 8 years to make her realize how much I love her and after our last conversation( I know she is still fogged up)I DO NOT SEE OR FEEL IT WILL GET ANY BETTER. So its basically anger and a growing dislke for her that makes me want to chuck it all, get the attorneys cracking and get on with the divorce and my life. Is this a normal stage or have I just gotten very realistic about my marriage?

Hi again,

I think to answer both your questions: yes,it is both normal what you are feeling and also true that your feelings for your WW may be changing.I have been through some terrible hatred toward my WH but mostly the homewrecker.I get very upset because of what they are doing but also because I have never had such horrible feelings in my heart for someone and I know that's not me.I am a very caring,good hearted person who wants to see the best in everyone and everyone DO their best.

Part of what many of us go through here is a slow death of our love for our WS's.Not all but some,including me.It happens as a result of what we are made to endure.I still love my WH but it's not the same anymore,he ruined the special love we had for each other.I really don't think I could ever have that again with him despite any recovery program.

I will always remember how he left me writhing in pain when the Infidelity came out,how I almost ended up in the hospital and how he protected the homewrecker and was with her instead of me his wife of 13 years,how he protected HER instead of ME,mother to his children,his best friend of 20 years.I cannot ever forget that pain.I will not ever forget how he threw me and our marriage and family away for some jealous,needy woman who he knew only WEEKS.It's still just as vivid in my mind today as it was last October.So,due to that pain and his continued bad behavior and actions,my love for him is almost gone now,the love that I had for him has been soured.

One reason why we tell newbies here to not make any decisions about staying or going is because of the emotional turmoil we all go through.People really need to wait at least 6 months before making any decisions like that.That is also why I waited but I feel in my heart the path I am on now is the right one for me.Nothing has changed,I have done all I can and I cannot do it alone anymore.Our marriage is shattered and there is no putting the pieces back together.

Just know cymanca that you have time,that your emotions change daily and that you do not have to rush to any conclusions.Take your time to be sure what you ultimately decide is right for YOU.I did not have that feeling until several weeks ago.I know I have a lot to offer someone as I did to my WH.I just wish there were some MB Personal/Meeting place because I would love to meet someone who was already familiar with MB principles.I believe in Dr.Harley's approach to marriage in general.

Anyway,hope this helps.Anger is a big emotion that we all have felt strongly before.It's what you do with that anger that is most important.Channel it into something positive if you can.

Hope you have a fun July 4th.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

10Girl,

As always, I thank you for your insight and objective advice. Hope the 4th is good for you too. And also as always, you all are in my prayers.

Well she did it again to me. She called my cell phone from a number that I did not recognize. She was very pleasant and asked what I was doing for the 4th. She asked if she could come out and be with me. I was soooo close to saying YES PLEASE, I NEEED TO SEE YOU, SMELL YOU, HOLD YOU....

I asked if she had sent me and the OM the NC letter and she sniffed a short no. I told her then I would be enjoying the beach house by myself and politely excused myself and hung up. I have now been sitting here all day surrounded by thousands of people and the aloneness I feel is overwhelming. I cried like a baby for about an hour. Life REALLY SUCKS right now

So sorry, Cymanca! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But her phone call does sound very promising and you did the right thing. Good for you for holding your ground. I probably don't have to tell you that relaxing your standards at this point is a tempting detour to hell rather than a ticket to recovery. Hang in there, this will get better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cymanca - You did just fine. Stay with your Plan B. My WH tried to come back many times, but OW was always still in the picture. Even after 16 months, he STILL does not get it - or doesn't care to.

Just know that you are doing the best thing to save your marriage, and you are not alone.

MelodyLane,

I know I should not be complainig I'm only into month 3 of being dark. Some of the posts from these poor souls are talking years being in Plan B. I thought as I went on with my life things would get easier, but it is not. Maybe it's just the holiday ( I have some great memories of the 4th, we always had so much fun together). Thanks for taking the time and thoughtfulness to answer.

Just got a very nice email from a cousin in Germany that took pictures during mom's b-day party. She also sent a copy to my WW's email address. Wonder if WW will have the guts to look at the faces of people that REALLY love her.

Well the sh$t hit the fan! I believe that my wife found out that I have gotten her OM fired from his job on the cruise ship. I don't know for sure since I have not heard definitely from the cruise line attorney, but everything points to it. She has contacted her lawyer and now wants to push the divorce through at all possible speed. My attorney asked what I had done to change a woman so dramatically from one that refused to give her demands to now wanting everything including spousal support. Is this part of the "exposure fall out".

Yep - they get furious, they all do. Just keep dark until she has NC with OM.

Well, just got a call from my attorney and he said the negotiations he scheduled after my WW attorneys demands, needed to be postponed. Seems she is going out of the country( she got back 2 weeks ago). I highly suspect it is to meet the OM and console him after getting fired by the cruise line. I am not a happy camper at this point.

Just hang in there. This is a long battle. You have done the right thing. It will not be easy because she is mad, but that is how they all are.

Hi Cymanca,

Try not to let the actions of your WW get to you at this point.She is obviously upset about the OM being possibly fired and is rushing to his side to console.Big deal.It just another episode of:

As the Stomach Turns. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Most all WS's try to break a Plan B without actually doing the work of ending the A first.It's standard procedure.They want to have it both ways.Stick to your guns.Maybe this OM will tell your WW that it's over and he will stay in his country or under whatever rock he crawled out from and your WW will come out of her "fog".WS's always get mad when things don't go their way.It's expected.Just stand clear and let her fume.Stay dark.

O

Believer & 10girl,

I know you are both accurate with your observations but I also know she is not going to just console him. The thoughts of any OM with my wife, hurt so bad I want to die. That is one aspect of the A that I have been able to suppress but now I can't get those filthy images out of my mind.

Thanks for your help.

Hi again,

Console in the broader aspects you could say then.We know what they do.

We all know how hard it is to imagine the WS and OP together.By God's grace those images haven't permeated my mind this whole time.I have had some really bad days and nights but I have closed that part of the sordid A off to my consciousness.It is thoroughly disgusting to me.There is no love involved,it is purely selfish, hurtful acts and that's it.

I know how badly they hurt.Do what you must to train your mind to not think about that garbage.As soon as a thought pops into your head,push it out and think of something else.Pretty soon it will become almost habit.It has for me.If I let myself really stew over what my WH and the homewrecker were doing sexually,I would go ballistic.But I also remember that whatever I think is most likely a lot worse than what may actually be happening.Another reason not to go there.

As much as I would like to see you and your WW get back together,you may get to a place,where I am,that doesn't allow that kind of searing pain come near me anymore.I won't let it.Like someone else mentioned on another topic thread,the longer this A goes on,the worse chance,I believe,that my WH will ever come home.Right now,I don't want him back.I can't imagine living again with a man that could hurt me so badly and at this point show no sign of stopping his adultery.Homewrecker is just waiting in the wings for the final blow and then she has achieved her goals: to destroy my marriage and family all for herself and my WH let it happen.

Just keep to your Plan B and stick to the guidelines.That is your best bet.Although the stats for recovery after an A aren't that encouraging,this is the best place to learn about how to save your marriage that I have found.If there is a chance,it's here.

O

Octobergirl...
What is "stay dark"? I've seen it in several threads but don't know what it means.

Cymanca...
I'm with you brother re. the "thoughts" re. OM and our wives. I'm finally to the point that I no longer get physically sick after reading the details WW leaves on the computer, but it's as if the two of them get some kind of sick thrill rehashing their liaisons. Sometimes I believe it's possible to have too much information...

my saga