D-Day for us was about 1 month ago. My W had 4 As over 2 years. We, or at least I, thought we were working through it. Yesterday, all heck broke loose.

I posted this on Recovery, but realize now we're now in recovery and it is probably more suited here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=015075

So she basically walked out with the clothes on her back around 1pm. No cell phone. Last time I can trace anything to her (bank account online), she had taken money out ~200 miles from the house around 4pm near the Canadian border.

What does one do when the other spouse say's they want a D and just walks out? Sure, she was emotional and probably caught up in the moment, but what can I really do? I have absolutely no means to get a hold of her.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

Not really having much control other than choosing to do nothing (opposed to moving on w/o her and filing for a D), I am just sitting and waiting for her - right? All the while, trying to keep strong for the kids?

I did write a letter and tape it to the door. I am not sure when/if she will come back or call - but I would think she probably will, at least for the sake of her 2 children. The letter simply says that I am sorry for our marriage prior to the As, that I love her, and that I want her back (via some coaching on the other thread).

I dunno - I feel more in control but I also feel lost. If not for me, I can't believe she walked out on her children <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . To hear my innocent 6 year tell you "I saw mommie leave and I don't think she is coming back" and "I wish mommie would call so I can tell her how I feel" just kills me.

I am more stable than I was several hours ago - chalk that up to Benadryl induced sleep, I guess.

Is there a point at which one SHOULD give up? I don't want to, I really love my wife. But really, if she isn't ever going to want to work through this, is it practical to keep trying and trying to get her to? She isn't even here right now - so what do I even know. Maybe she's sad, maybe she's mad, maybe she is convincing herself that it's right - whatever - I have no way of knowing.

One other thing - I have admit, that I am concerned she could possibly harm herself. She has talked about it in the past and I think it is in the equation here, for sure. Probably not likely, but there. Again, I feel helpless to follow up on this feeling because she has no phone, for all I know she is in Canada - but wondering just the same.

Her last transaction was around 5pm yesterday evening - I figure she has about 60 bucks in her pocket and no credit.

spamalope -

Your W is running running running. She is running from something she cannot escape - herself.

I predict she will be back. I would just sit back, take care of those kids, and have faith that she will return to her home, to her children.

Have you read the Lighthouse post from ark? I will post it here. Your W is an adult. She can take care of herself. This is probably something that has been coming on for a while, and she just got upset enough to act on it. Which is why it is so important while doing Plan A (since it's only been 1 month, I am assuming that is where you were?) to limit LB's, DJ's, and demands. I know it is hard. I have been there.

And I saw that running look in my FWH's eye more than once, as well. Most of the time, his eyes looked like a wild animal!

The hope I see in your situation, is if your W gets a lot of the fantasy, reality, everything, out of herself now, she might defog faster. My H moved out, but came back completely about 4 months later. He didn't waffle. Sometimes, we just need some space.

Realize it is not worst-case scenario - that is what I did. Worst-case scenario is standing over your child in a hopital room, not knowing if they will make it, IMHO. Your W is an adult. Let her go for a while. You don't have to DO anything. Just continue on. Let her see that her leaving didn't have the affect on you she might have been hoping for.

Just calmly look at her when she comes back and say, "Oh, you're back so soon? Did you have a good time? Do you feel better?"

You can only control YOU. Right now, your kids NEED you. Let her go. She cannot help you right now. I know it sounds harsh, but it is true. She just is not capable.

Hang in there!

SS

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...

you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...

be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

hope that helps

spamalope,

I've written this reply with several interruptions; I hope it is not too disjunct. I read the post you linked, and the post *that* post linked.

You've been M 8 years, together 10. DDay was 30 May, about a month ago. Your W has had several affairs in the last 2 years - 2 As and 2 ONS. NC with the last OM was 2 June. All seemed peachy 29 June but then you found out there was a five minute call from her to him so NC was broken. You have 2 children, D or S? 12 and S 6.

It would be helpful if you could create a signature block with that information in it, to help us get a "snapshot" of where you are in this painful process. Click the "my profile" link at top of page.

One month is VERY EARLY in the recovery process.
Slips and occasional contacts are NOT UNUSUAL. Your W will be in withdrawal for 6 weeks to 6 months. During this time she will be confused and hurting. This is a long haul, not a quick fix. Your attitude in the other posts go from 110% commitment to giving up. I would imagine your W picks up on that. As another poster mentioned, you need to be a ROCK right now.

If she slips and calls OM, the best way to approach her is not by putting her on the spot and trying to trap her. Better to be open and honest: "Honey, I know you called OM; we had agreed that you'd tell me honestly if contact ever occurred, and it hurts me greatly that you did not tell me. Now what can we do to ensure this does not happen again?"

You need to constantly help her feel safe and understood. She is very confused right now and does not always know what path she should take. It is your job to show her, through your actions, that with you she will be accepted, understood, and forgiven.

You guys have been doing very well - VERY well. Lots of discussion on Radical Honesty, rediscovery of your friendship and love for one another, understanding that you both withheld information to "protect" the other and how that led to a failure to acknowledge and repair problems in the M while they were small. You guys are doing REALLY WELL.

It is hard for your W to miss OM, and when she starts to realize that the M might really work, and that NC might be *forever* she will panic. I think that might be what happened to you guys recently.

Not really having much control other than choosing to do nothing (opposed to moving on w/o her and filing for a D), I am just sitting and waiting for her - right?

You never have control over anything other than yourself. Your W might stay, she might go. She will almost certainly waiver. Leave that up to her.

Rather than sitting and waiting for her, examine your recent discussions and interactions with her. Were there LBs? Any independent behavior? Any angry outbursts or disrespectful judgments? How might you have handled things better?

Also think about what you've learned about your W's ENs during this month of honest self-inspection and discussion. Which have you been meeting well? Which could you improve upon?

Think about how you will react if she phones you. Will you make demands and threats (try to make her tell you where she is rather than make a polite request)? Will you have angry outbursts or will you use "I" statements to tell her how her absence has made you feel? Will you use disrespectful judgments (what were you thinking) or will you empathize with her and encourage her to open up with you?

Think also how you will react if she shows up on your doorstep.


Is there a point at which one SHOULD give up?

Yes, when you no longer love your W and no longer wish to be M to her. Actually I wish you'd quit making these kinds of statements/questions. It is way too early for you to entertain notions of giving up. A good rule of thumb is to never make any big decisions (other than working on M) for at least six months post DDay.

You guys have started out well. You hit a snag (contact with OM) and possibly handled it poorly - you in how you approached her, and she in how she reacted to learning you knew. You can learn from this, and do better in the future. You won't get lots and lots of chances, though. She probably left feeling attacked, misunderstood, vulnerable, angry. Think about how you can change all that for her in the future, because any M will have "bad news" days and you need to learn how to approach her honestly about them.

I know you are in a painful place, beyond description. I think you both have done a LOT of things right. It is not over, not by a long shot - and in fact I see a lot of hope for the two of you.

Have you read Surviving an Affair yet? You should.

When she comes back and decides to work on the M, your W should write a No Contact (NC) letter and both of you should send it to OM and send a copy to OM's wife if he's M. Then you need to address how she will protect the M from further contact, and how she will handle the situation if any contact occurs. Also make a plan about how you will react to hearing about contact, or her fears, or any other bad news.

I know a little of your pain. My wife and kids were gone for a week and I was never sure if they would come back. They did and we are working on the M.

I once heard of a father whose daughter ran away. When she first called home he tried to pump her for information, where she was, what she was doing, etc. The gap between calls became greater over time and the conversations became more strained and almost hostile.

Then the father changed his attitude. Instead of pumping his daughter for information, he began giving her information about what was happening at home. He told her how they missed her and always set a place at the dinner table for her. He never pressed her for information or tried to make her feel guilty.

Then one day the daughter called in tears. She gave her daddy the address of where she was staying and asked him to come get her. The father drove through the night to get his daughter and bring her home. The daughter told her father that it was the freedom granted her by his love that brought her home.

The lesson on the father’s story is that he made the reality of home more appealing than the reality of the road, through his love. I don’t know if you can do the same thing but maybe you can try.

Man, I feel your pain. Right now, you need to be really strong, but you could use some support in doing so. Your thread here in GQII should get more attention, but the boards get slow on holiday weekends.

If you know someone in the clergy who could give you some support, you could probably benefit from such a meeting. Just talking about what you are going through, even posting here on the boards, will help you think things through.

If your WW is missing for 24 hours, you could file a missing persons report, but you would have a better take on what her reaction might be to such an action.

Get the copy of Surviving an Affair and read it, and understand the dynamics of an affair. It will help you more than you might think.

One last thought. With the recent discovery of the contact, it is quite possible the Affair is not truly over. Affairs are very much like addictions, and the compulsion to return for a "fix" is very potent. Many couples have to endure more than one attempt at NC (no contact) before it is achieved.

During the affair, and during withdrawal, your WW (wayward wife) is completely in TAKER mode. Every time you allow yourself to commit LB's (lovebusters), Angry Outbursts or Disrespectful Judgements, it gives your WW a reason to GO TO THE OM (other man). She may even behave in such a manner (really mean and ugly behavior)so as to PROVOKE you into these actions. This gives her "justification" to want to stay in the affair, because you are "so mean and nasty" to her.

You WW is not thinking clearly. Do not take what she says personally at this time. She is under the influence of an "emotional cocktail" right now. That is to say, she has feelings for the OM, she has guilt, she has fear, she has pain for what she's done, sorrow for hurting you and a multitude of other feelings, all so complex, that she cannot function in a rational manner.

This is why you have to be the ROCK! She's not capable of it at this time. Neither is she capable of meeting many, if ANY, of your needs right now. You will have to decide if you want this marriage to have a chance to survive all this, and then commit yourself to a battle the likes of which you may never have had to face before. This is a process that could take from (a very unlikely) 6 months, to a year or two, maybe longer, to get through.

But there are success stories. My FWW has had two emotional affairs and one physical affair, and we are now in the process of recovering, mainly, because I learned how to make it happen through the Marriage Builder's website, and the help of many very real, sincere people on these forums.

You can do this. Keep posting, keep learning, get professional help, and be very, very strong.

Best wishes
SD

^bump for spamalope^

sorry, double post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ July 02, 2004, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

I don't know what to say - just that I am thinking of you.
Have you been taking anti-D's? If not you should seriously consider it.
I will never understand how anyone can walk out on their children - especially a mom - but it sounds like you are a very good dad.
Do you have a god church that you and the kids are involved with?