Lady in Red
First of all let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Your mother sounds as if she were a very special person-loving, selfless and talented. You are blessed to have such a wonderful woman to call Mom.

What I don't understand about your father is why HE was even at the funeral...much less OW/SM. My H too behaves in ways that defy reason. Often when I tell my friends things he does, I hear myself and think that they must think I'm the crazy one! Why would anyone acts so horribly and why would anyone else tolerate such behavior!

I'm sure he and ow/sm were having problems. Think about it. He's there grieving his first wife. She has children who love her and an ex-husband who obviously hasn't emotionally left her after many years. All that and she's told not that she's not included. She knows that-she hasn't ever been "included." I pity them both-because of their own behavior, they belong nowhere. It's sad...so sad. They're reaping what they've sown.

Nothing matters in life more than our loved ones. Some only realize that when they come to the end of their lives while others never seem to get it. Think of what your husband learned during your mother's funeral. I think maybe he saw himself in your father and is thankful that he didn't go down that path. Not only did he see you as a strong person, he saw your father as the weak person who was the one who really suffered the loss.

God bless your and your family.

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 06:53 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

JPH -

I think you hit it right on the nose with "I pity them both, because of their own behavior, they belong nowhere".

This is so profoundly true about situations like this, and often when a man or woman leaves his family this is they it turns out for them. How incredibly sad, why would someone choose this over their own family, I will never understand. It's this blindness that is the saddest of all.

LIR -

I too lost my mom, who was also a kind, generous, selfless woman like yours was. I am slowly working my way through your thread but can usually only read one post at a time because of the emotions involved. You are an awful lot like your Mom, I can see it when you post to someone, with such care, love and willingness to help them.

Weaver

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Hello LIR,
It's OK if you miss posts sometimes, I know you have lots to do. I hope nothing ever happens to my W, I think I would be lost. That's another reason I don't understand A's, how do you replace that person that is your partner, and helpmeet? Many have deep regrets - after it's is too late.

On the plane home from my mom's funeral, I told him there was something I wanted to tell him when we got home, that I had found out about my mom...I told him that I needed to tell him so that he would understand the antipathy I now felt for my dad, and that I would need to work through my feelings for my dad....I wanted him to know that if sometimes I seemed withdrawn and pensive, that it wasn't because of him or because of anything between us, but because I would be thinking about the issue of my Dad....I told him it was important to me that he know that...

He was shocked when I told him...but he is so funny...he said, "Well, I'm so English that I probably feel its not really any of my business, so I am just going to forget about it..."

He doesn't stop you in the middle, and say he doesn't want to hear it - He listens because he knows you need to talk, and he tells you what he will do with the information after he gets it. You are in the state of "intimacy" as Dr Harley puts it. I am so glad you are no longer in the state of conflict.


He has been very helpful, though...he listens when I feel I want to talk through my feelings for my Dad, and slowly I am coming to terms with it, and getting more persepective in myself about it... .

I think it will be like withdrawal is for those in an A. It will get so it bothers you less and less, but any conflict with your dad will bring you back. It will be a little better each time, and finally you will realize the ghosts don't haunt you any longer. I hope it doesn't take a long time.

My aunt has helped me by filling me in with all the details she knows........his intention was basically selfish, but not malicious...

I have a hard time commenting on this - and I don't have much to do with it directly. It is very hard to understand. Your mother is a real jewel - and when you see her next, you can tell her I said that.


On the home front, both boys are doing well - they are in sports camp this week - every day from 10-4, and loving it -

Sounds like work to me. I would like to do "book reading camp." Seems like there is never time these days to read clear through a really good book.

I have been tackling my vegetable patch - the whole thing was shoulder-high in weeds because I haven't been able to work it this year. This week I have managed to clear a little more than half of that - I love it up there - its just so peaceful - if it wasn't so hot right now, I could be up there all day...I have a few broccoli plants put in for the winter, and some squash - that's it....but I have BIG plans. Today I'm not going to work it because I came down with an awful summer cold yesterday - but it'll be better tomorrow.

Our weeds are not that bad this year - because we kept them down last year. (at least, I think that's the reason.) The heat is the big problem each year - and I still loose about half my plants to that. Tomatoes, squash, an peppers still do the best, but I have a dwarf peach tree that is just coming on now, and a few grapevines that have been giving us grapes for a few weeks. I worried about your garden - in May I thought about it and figured you may not do anything this year because of being away for so long. I am so sorry about the weeds, I know if you do a few each week you will get it under control, and I think you will get the best of them, not the other way around.
WE also have a permanent asparagus patch, but it produces in the spring, and then we let it grow to develop the root system for the next year. It is 3 years old, and this is the first really good year for it. I spent most of today in the garden, weeding, and tying up the tomatoes, doing the lawns too. Feels good to have it done.


H has gone to see his mother in hospital.........

He helped you, you will help him, and when it is over with, you will have each other. I have to think it has been a blessing when all is said and done. None of us will get out of here alive, we all get our turn.


You are right, ss - this has not been a normal year....so far, we have got through it....I see interesting little points in H's behaviour that give me cause for hope, although, as you keep pointing out, the LB's that have always bothered me ought to be dealt with.

One of the things that makes me the happiest is that you have faith it will work. You didn't always believe that -

My prayers have come true also -


You remember I have talked about my H's friend - the older woman? .

I am glad she isn't a big part of your lives any longer, and yes, I remember. I think this is/was worse than the problems you have with your father. It may go well, but I think over time these ties ought to be cut - and visits become a thing of the past. I think Dr Harley knows what he is talking about, and he says that years down the road it can flare up again. Your H would probably say I am crazy - I believe you don't take chances with these kinds of things.

I know you will keep tabs on things, but you don't need the stress. See what you can do over the next few years.

Take care...a baby grandaughter, huh? I REALLY hope I get to have one of those someday!! I will have to wait awhile, though....started late....

I wanted a family - it was my main goal in life, still is. I was 21, she was 19.
4 of our 8 are married, we have two grand daughters born in March, and one due in Oct. They are fun!!

My youngest daughters are twins, just turned 11 in May, so I haven't forgotten what it is like to have them at home.


JPH, and Weaver, I hope you are doing well these days. It is so tough to face what you both are going through.

LIR, let us know how the visit to Auntie goes. I ought to be finished worrying about you by now - I can't believe some things still bother me.

SS

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 06:54 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 06:55 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Hi LIR
You have had a busy month, I hope it was good busy, not bad busy.

Of course I wonder how things went for you, and I wonder if you'll have a new crop of weeds when you get home. Some things don't change much, do they.


You know, ss - I feel I have reached a point where I should no longer share these things on this forum any more....when I write them, I feel I am revealing H's confidences....I think that is a sign that "intimacy" as you pointed out, is growing, and has been restored...(although not completely)....I feel we finally have a R which is GROWING in intimacy, not stagnant, or being muddied by other people throwing rocks into the pool.....and I want to protect that...

Your family, and your marriage are what's really important. I am glad you were able to get help here, but if it's time to work directly with H, then that's what you ought to do.


I know your H wants to change. The conversation he had with his brother shows that he knows there are some problems, and he wants to work on them. It looks like he doesn't want to pass on his weaknesses to his sons and he is concerend about how these things affect you also.

Now, I do think he cares, but remember that he still doesn't know half of what you know about M, and relationships. Don't get discouraged if he goes on really slowly. Or - don't let slow progress fool you in to thinking there is no progress. What you you have been reporting the last 6 months is a real breakthrough in your M, and I think it is sustainable, but you are going to have to continue to do much of the prompting, even if you get tired of it.

You have grown in this too, your abilities are greater, and you have more of the pure love of Christ in you. I think your darkest hour is past, and I think it was your finest hour when all is said and done. I think you passed that test - you went through the fire, and you didn't burn.

I have a great respect for you, remember to put that relationship with your H first, keep praying, you will know what to do, and how to do it.

SS

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 06:56 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Hi LIR,
I see this last visit went pretty well. It looks like "Aunty" has good intentions, even if things could be done differently sometimes. From your report, she really wants to help.

I like the way you answered her, encouraging, but short and to the point. I think it is probably time to keep things between the two of you. (H, and yourself.)

I don't recall you mentioning that H's mother died. I hope he is doing well with it. I am sure you helped him as much as possible. There are so many things that come to mind when things like this happen, I wouldn't be surprised to hear H was willing to talk about some of the things in his life, as you did about your father. I hope he did, and that you were able to help him with that also. It would be valuable in bringing the two of you even closer together.


But too much has happened to us in the last two years, for me to take it all in....I won't say I feel sad, but there are moments when I miss my mother terribly...that's just part of the grieving process...or part of life....

Both -
Remember, she is still around, it's just that we can't communicate the way we once did when they go on. I know it's the here and now that hurt, but time is short - will be short. I wish we could do more somehow, words seem so useless with things like this.

I still lack confidence in myself...but I have put my hand in God's hand, and I have trusted my family to him....so I go on....

I believe in you. God must also, he trusted you to get through this last three years, and though it was rough (and I know this is an understatement) you did get through, and you did well. I believe in you, and it's not hard to do after all I have seen. I know you have faults, as do we all, but the important parts are there, and I think you know I am speaking the truth.

It's a slow process...but like you said...I think there has been a significant breakthrough, and it takes TIME to build a marriage....

LOL, who would have thought?


I'll be around, but less of a presence here....I thank God I found this website, because I am POSITIVE that this website has provided me with the tools to save our marriage and offered me the support I needed to get through our darkest hour....I am so grateful for that....I'm not always very articulate, but I think you know what I mean....

Not articulate? Are we talking about the same person?
You made me smile, and think I know what you mean.


I hope you can work out the things that need to be taken care of, and I hope that you can do it without needing to talk to others about it. My wish is that your relationship will be that good, now and forever.

Don't worry so much - things all will work out. It really will be OK.

SS