Hello all.
as you all know I have been working hard to recover and forgive my FWW.
Things have been pretty good on both sides but we hit a barrier last night.
While reflecting on why we married we talked to each other in bed.
I asked what about me do you feel attracted you to me and want to be my wife.
She responded by saying, your confidence, your looks, and your ability to let me be who I am.
Hmmmm,,, I digested her answer and felt I had to respond to my concern.
I told her that we both agreed it was my ability to let her be who she is that set the stage for her infidelity. IE: before we married I was never jealous that she cut the hair of men she had a past relation ship, and even some she maintained contact with by phone as friends. Was I naive? I didnt think so at the time. Well since we have been married I still allowed her to maintain ex boyfriends and such as her clients. We both said that this was not a good idea for our marriage, it gave my wife the sensation she was not all that married she didnt feel married because I let her associate with men in her past. She admitted last night that that itself was one of the reasons she married me. MMMMMMM.... Not really what I wanted to hear. She still has phone #s of some of her past lovers in her phone. I told her that I am never going to make those mistakes in a marriage again,, I was to secure with her. I asked her if she would be willing to continue our marriage now that I know It is not healthy for past lovers to remain in contact with each other even though they are married. She said yes. I said thank you would you please advise these past men in your life to not call you and you not call them. Tell them we are fully dedicated to each other now. She said you dont mean that you are still hurt,, once time goes by you will trust me again. I told her No I am not saying this from hurt I am saying this for the best for our future together. She clammed up and said I dont want to talk about it anymore. I said ok I am sorry.
Heres my trouble,,, If my wife loved me for not being jealous,, and by me not being protective of my wife was my contribution to the affair. Doesnt she know we have to correct that. Is there any healthy marriage that has several of the wifes past lovers still involved in thier life? Look at my cell records there is not one past girlfriend, fling, or anything else on the bill. But her cell has maybe 5 men on it that she slept with at one point in her life. To me we have to correct this. Affairs do change people and I think it has changed me for the better,,, its not a phase. I do not want a wife who has constant contact with her Ex's. She has called them all even during our recovery. I am not drawing the line I simply know A marriage,, a healthy marriage cannot be built that way. My wife thinks I am just fog talking here... but It was my mistake to allow her to associate with OM that led to her affair. I am a changed husband I am not that husband anymore, I want my marriage to be strong secure and not exposed to these past men. It is clear that one of the reasons my wife married me was because of my ability to not be jealous of her past. One of the men calls her 2 to 3 times a day,,, they had sex with each other when me and my wife were just dating and had a 6 month separation. It was during the separation they had sex. Now I had sex with another woman during that period as well we thought we were through. I dont fault her for that,,, but I never have seen or talked to any ex since we got back together. She does talk to hers. This is something that we must get out of the way,, I think the ball is in her park on this issue. I mean is there any guys out there that want thier wife associating or having contact with past lovers. If I am not that man who will accept this anymore and she loved me for accepting it,, how do we go on from here. Am I wrong for "not demanding" but telling her I truly want a faithful marriage and not to give any opportunity for either one of us to hurt each other again? Your thought?

<small>[ July 02, 2004, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: eric. n ]</small>

I'm actually in a similar position. FWS tends to stay friends with his exes, although OW was someone entirely new. As a matter of fact, because of his work, his friends tend to be female.

How do we handle protecting our M and not keeping our partners prisoner? I believe everyone in recovery needs to find their own path.

I have never been the jealous type or even suspicious. Of course, this has totally changed after the A. Still, I need to try to trust FWS. This is the work of the BS. We will have to make this leap, because without trust, there really is no M.

But it shouldn't be a blind trust. The trust needs to be earned.

In our M, different situations set off my alarms. FWS has an ex that he has been friends with for 15 years. I don't feel threatened by her whatsoever. As a matter of fact, right after d-day, I didn't mind that he saw her. It turned out that she is actually very pro-marriage and counseled him to end the A.

But the actions of the FWS go hand-in-hand with that. If I felt FWS neglected his family to see his friend, I would have a problem with it. The opposite happened and he doesn't really see her that often anymore. He prefers to spend his time with us.

On the other hand, I paid very close attention to what he would tell me about the young teachers in his employ. There is one that he seemed to always talk about and when he said that they got some lunch together (this is how A started), I warned him that that is how A's begin. Again, she was at a family function and although, nothing untoward happened, my awareness was very high as to what they were both doing.

The point of all this is that you need to figure out what works for you and FWS. If you are sincerely uncomfortable with all of these exes around, I believe you have every right to ask FWS to minimize her time with them.

I know she bristled at the notion, but give her time. She was not expecting to have to drop all her friends. But hopefully, she will realize that she needs to make some changes if your M is to work.

She might actually be resisting your request that she tell them she will not be talking to them ever again because she is committed to her M. Perhaps you can let her do it in her own way?

I did not follow all the MB rules after d-day and didn't ask FWS to take off his password on his cell. He never had one until I started checking his cell during the A. I decided to try to trust him. About 3 months after d-day, he finally gave me the code without me ever asking.

You are both making changes to recover your M. Sometimes they don't happen overnight.

Perhaps this is something you can POJA?