I do not know if I should be doing plan A, or Plan B.

My Wife of 16 years left me, after I had discovered that she was having, at a minimum an emotional affair with another man. They had been communicating by a secret E-mail account that she set up as well as Hour, and hours of phone conversations. She claims that she has not met him in person, or had any sexual contact with him, and that it is over that she is not communicating with him any more. She has also been going out to Bars to meet other men. She claims that she does not do anything with these men, and although at least two of these men have asked her out she has said she did not go out with them.
She says now that she was just letting her hair down, and that she is not going to go out to bars anymore to meet other men. She said she did it because it made her feel attractive, and it was exciting.

She is living with her mother with by Daughter, and I pick up my son after work and he spends the night at our house, then my wife picks him up in the morning.

She says that she wants me to leave her alone so that she can figure out if she wants to divorce me or not. She claims that I am 90% to blame for the problems in our marriage, and that I will never change. Although until I discovered this affair, she has given me no indication that she was unhappy. We went to marriage counseling 3 years ago, and our marriage has improved and she stopped going. I had mistakenly assumed things were OK Since then she has not said she wanted to go back to counseling, or that she was unhappy.

Right now I need to know if I should be doing Plan A, or plan B. She says she wants to be left alone, but she either contacts me, or when I need to contact her about the kids, she talks to me about how she is feeling, our relationship, how unhappy she is, and about what is going on in her life. We have talked some times for an hour or longer. These conversations are not angry conversations, and I want her to feel free to discuss what is going on in her life with me, instead of men she meets in bars.

I need some advice as to if I should continue to listen to her, love as in Plan A, or if I should respect what she is saying about wanting to be left alone and have more of a plan B approach?

Any advice will be helpful

How long since D-Day? How long has she been moved out? What was wrong with your marriage before this happened that led y'all into counseling?

She moved out 4 weeks ago, When we went to couseling 3 years ago it was because she wanted me to stop using Pornography, which I have. I also needed to deal with some anger issues. I used to yell, Not say mean things as much as use my tone to try and control her. It has been 3 years since I have done that.

How have you acted since you found out? How did you find out about it?

I think your best bet is to move to Plan A and try your best to meet her needs and stop ALL lovebusters. However, you need to find out WHAT those needs are. I suspect that one of her top needs is companionship and that is what attracted her to the OM.

I also suspect that she is still seeing the OM and that is why she moved out. Do you think that is correct?

In the meantime, I would get Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley and Lovebusters. You can buy them pretty cheap on this website and they have 2 day shipping.

Does her mother know about her affair? Is the OM married?

Whose idea was it to move and why?

Plan A. And, Click on the link in my signature line.

I think I have acted ok, I found out about the afair when i found a secrect hot mail account she had set up, it was confirmed by the cell phone bill over 1500 minutes in May. She continues to claim that they only talked on the phone, and that she never met him in person, or had sex or anything. She claimes that the reason she moved out is she wants time to think about what she wants to do.

I have asked her to go to counseling she refuses

Am I fool to believe that she has not had a Physical relationship with this man?

She does seem to be honest about it, and says I can check her cell phone bill anytime I want.

I think I have acted ok, I found out about the afair when i found a secrect hot mail account she had set up, it was confirmed by the cell phone bill over 1500 minutes in May. She continues to claim that they only talked on the phone, and that she never met him in person, or had sex or anything. She claimes that the reason she moved out is she wants time to think about what she wants to do.

I have asked her to go to counseling she refuses

Am I fool to believe that she has not had a Physical relationship with this man?

She does seem to be honest about it, and says I can check her cell phone bill anytime I want.

I think I have acted ok, I found out about the afair when i found a secrect hot mail account she had set up, it was confirmed by the cell phone bill over 1500 minutes in May. She continues to claim that they only talked on the phone, and that she never met him in person, or had sex or anything. She claimes that the reason she moved out is she wants time to think about what she wants to do.

I have asked her to go to counseling she refuses

Am I fool to believe that she has not had a Physical relationship with this man?

She does seem to be honest about it, and says I can check her cell phone bill anytime I want.

Yes the other man is Married,

And her Mother know what I do that she claimes to have just spoken with him on the phone, and that they have not met in person, or had any Physical relationship.

Samuel, I hope this is not the case, but WSes almost always move out so they can resume the affair unimpeded. I would stay alert to that possibility and ask her mom to watch out too.

In the meantime, I would suggest calling up the OMW and let her know what has happened. That will help ensure that the affair does not resume [if it is not active now] with her watching from that end. She also needs to know what her H is doing on the internet.

Can you get those books?

Yes I can get the Books.
Should I try to catch her in this affair, to prove she is lying, or should I just trust that she is being honest?

I will think about contacting his wife, although I am not sure of the benifite of that.

Samuel, you should quietly find out if the affair is ongoing. Don't ask her, just do some quiet snooping and find out what is going on. It is in your best interest to KNOW what is happening so you can know how best to proceed here.

And no, you should not afford her ANY trust, she is not trustworthy.

The benefit of contacting the OMW is that it puts great pressure on the affair to end or to ensure that it stays stopped. Often, just telling the spouse is enough to completely end the affair.

It is ALWAYS the best thing to expose the affair to the other spouse. It is also a moral obligation to warn her that she is being destroyed behind her back so she can protect herself from her H.

Does she have a cellphone?