LOSER??? I've done so much reading on the subject of infidelity. Been to counseling, posted on all the sites, asked questions and generally, pondered the universe for answers. It continues to bother me that if you reconcile, isn't the WS really "getting away" with the behavior? I mean, taking someone back after infidelity is sort of demeaning in some ways to the BS, is it not? Won't the BS always be in an inferior position to the WS since the WS pretty much knows that they can do whatever they want and they will always have a person that loves them. Especially if they start reconciling during plan A? Won't the WS take advantage of the BS willingness to do whatever it takes to be nice. Isn't the BS compromising their values, etc.? Sorry for the rambling. I've really been tearing myself up for the past 4 to 5 months about this.

On the outside my R with my WS has been for the most part OK, on the inside I hate feeling that he "got away" with cheating for so long and I am still the same old loving spouse. What will make this feeling go away or am I really just a pathetic loser who has to take whatever anyone dishes out?

nine, what you are saying basically is that anyone who forgives is a loser and a chump who is in an inferior position to the forgivee. That is just not how it is.

There is nothing demeaning or humiliating about giving a person, who has hurt you, a chance to redeem themselves. It doesnt mean they are superior to you at all. It is not a compromise of one's values to forgive, forgiving IS a moral value!

Forgiving is a true act of STRENGTH, not WEAKNESS.

I realize that you are very angry right now, and rightfully so, but please don't confuse an act of forgiveness with weakness, it is anything but.

ML, I agree 100%. You ARE correct in that it is a virtue. It is quite an accomplishment as well and takes hard work and dedication. I am right there with you with forgiveness. I am a proponent. With that being said, I am sorry that I didn't give you more information. In my situation, I experienced multiple ddays with the same OW over the course of a very long time. Each time my WH vowing it was over and professing his undying love to me, only to have him move out and move in with OW again and again.

Now, 9 mos past the last dday, I am still extremely leary and not very forgiving as I feel that I am just setting myself up for more devastation. My friends at work (who are more like family than anything because of the line of work that I am in) ask me how many times do I have to get hit in the head with a brick before I start to duck. I'm beginning to feel like quite the loser.

nine, I see now where you are coming from. I think there comes a time when it's best to cut your losses and move on. But everyone has to determine for themselves when they have reached that point.

No one could ever blame you if you did make that decision. Forgiveness never means you have to stay around for the abuse.

I agree with Melody. In the MC we went through briefly,my WW stated very mournfully that she would never again be able to look in my eyes and not see the hurt she has caused. Now that may have been BS but all of the garbage that she has spouted at me, that rang true in my opinion. I think that in any WS with any conscience that is a HUGE problem. I think that was one area that I recognized that I HAD TO CHANGE. If they can't forgive themselves, I have severe doubts about the M surviving. I can't imagine how hard it would be if the situation were reversed and I had to look into those blue eyes knowing what I had done to her.