I've only belonged to this group for a few days but I have been reading the articles here. I have been thinking a lot about the Love Bank.
If that is a valid paradigm then why do I still love my W so much after finding out about her EAs (and possible PAs). Is it because she loved me so much in the past? Did she make so many deposits in her account in my Love Bank that even infidelity and betrayal can't drain the account?
If that is so then how does that kind of love just stop?
Do they still love us even when they are betraying us?

<small>[ July 02, 2004, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: dreid ]</small>

I think that is a very interesting question that I have often wondered about myself. Could it be out a fear of losing the WS? I am not sure because I cannot relate to having feelings of love when I found out.

I felt DISGUST and didn't want him anymore. I just can't love someone I don't respect. I can't STAND to have a man like that touch me. ugh! I didn't feel love for my H until we had been in recovery for several months and only after he had worked to redeem himself.

Maybe someone else who has felt love can answer this...

IMHO, the bond of marriage goes beyond that piece of paper. The paper is the start to show the legal bond but the 'love' embeds it deeper in our soul.

So when that love (ie: trust, faithfulness, loyalty, etc.) is broken, the tear is deep. Into the innermost parts of our soul. Our chlldren can do the same to us.

The instinct is to fight, as if we are fighting for our lives. In essence we are, when a couple are united as 1, their lives are intertwined. To have 1/2 of that union drop off and start twining with a total stranger is foreign to most of us. Unnatural. The lenglhs the OP and WS go to make it appear natural is alienlike. It is weird and scary.

So where does it leave the BS? Often in a state of initial shock. Then slowly when that shock wears off, anger, hurt, frustration....... the stages of grieving have begun.

The heart and mind are often out of sync. This causes further stress and anxiety upon the BS who is not allowed the luxury of being irresponsible or greedy. In most cases the BS has to carry not only their own but whatever the WS has neglected. In some cases, the BS also carrys the weight of the WS and in many cases the false blame the WS heaps upon the BS and family. Then there is the occasional psycho OP who adds more bitterness to the mix. If one is unfortunate to get stupid relatives/friends, then more is added. Making chaos look like the understandment of the year.

Yet through it all the BS feels the need to fight and fight hard. With all their might. Until...... until their heart and mind get in sync. They are strong enough to see what everyone else sees, admit it and take action.

Then the WS is out in the cold and often the OP turns into the stupid chicken. Taking to flight. But we know chickens don't fly....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

JMHO,
L.

Orchid, have you been to my house?

Those three middle paragraphs are my life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 1Family Man:
<strong> Orchid, have you been to my house?

Those three middle paragraphs are my life. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well 1FM, let's not start any false rumors, ok? LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My previous posts matches what most of us (BS) have or are going through. You are not alone in this mess. That's why posting here brings good support. We realize we are NOT the crazy one. Just the one with the bigger burden and surival is NOT an option, it is a requirement. Life puts heavy demands on us but a very wise person said that God would not allow us to have more temptation (or problems) than we can handle. That was and is comforting to me when the going gets tough.

How are you doing?

Gotta run to an auction....... will check back later. I see Believer is asking about you. Let us know.

take care,
L.

I think the reason my love bank didn't totally drain was because H's remorse and honesty about the A once I found out were deposits. If he had treated me the way I see many BS's treated, I think my love bank would have drained.

Maybe the BS's are fighting for their "life" simply because as of yet they don't have another course of action to take. Plan A and Plan B are excellent tools to help fight and recover from an A. And that's what you have to do when you are in a "fight". You have to strategize. After all, the BS's system has taken a severe shock on DDay. It's hard to expect them to act rationally under such circumstances either!