This is madness!!!

I think the OM gave my W an STD this month. She got a very specific test done, on MY health insurance no less! (I just got the bill) Did I mention she's a Doctor who understands the risks of unprotected sex? Also he has other women, but she doesn’t know. She believes EVERYTHING he says. They only meet in hotels and have sex, as he doesn’t like the exposure and she is nervous. MY investigation and her his contacts with me (he hates me) former, enabling friends confirm this (he takes her calls on a schedule so that he can accommodate his other women)

He is an angry man who’s ex left him for an A partner. He has said that he doesn’t trust my W (“How can I, she lies to her family”) What an a**hole!

Question: Should her friends let her know about his juggling act? I know I can’t because he’s told her I’m a manipulative psychopath. She’s about to bet the kids, the house, her new medical practice and her dignity in the quest to follow the smoke he’s blowing?

<small>[ July 05, 2004, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

dleightonc,

Yes, of course enlist this friend to Help.
I had inquired about you doing this (or even more) in one of your other posts.
As you still seem to be scrambling for something, I'm wondering if you are still claiming it won't make any difference as you wrote then?
.
In any case, get this going:
First, Let your friend give her revelations to W, Then you come behind with any evidence you have to support what has come out.

Then You can truthfully claim to NOT have been the one to "bust" the OM, but now feel compelled to tell what you DO know since the cat is already out of the bag.
This way you get what you want (OM activities out in the open) while still not coming across as the heavy or vengeful H.
In fact, if you spin it right you can come out really seeming like a good guy by showing W that you knew all along.
But instead of using dirt to go after OM, you were trying to win her back on your own Improved merits, not by default.

For you:
On Earlier post you stated that you had done research on these 2 OOW yourself.
I'll ask again. Do you know who they are for sure? Where they live/work? Can you contact them?
Since your W has an STD from the OM, this is a great way to open the door to talking to them.
The premise: Your concern for the health of all the women this guy is doing. Then simply give your most heartfelt request asking for their help in saving your marriage. You should be picking up on enough relationship "speak" from here to sound very persuading to their ears that you DO love your W and desperately want the M to work (cause you now do).
You have nothing to loose at this point Except your W and M!

Will this be comfortable or easy for you? Hell NO!
But what is easy about anything in your life right now?
Your W is about to be gone! G..O..N..E!
You must be willing to take the drastic and hard steps to attempt to Burst this bubble NOW.
None of of the advice given here is a guarantee for success..........but if you don't do something, you do know where this is heading.

I know, I know...easy to say.. very Hard to Do. Agreed!!
When you make it to recovery you'll find that the entire process...start to finish, is Hard. Each part is just Hard in its own ways.

Whatever you do decide, wishing you success.
later

You are right, Top.

Our mutual friend has said that b/c W has put all her eggs in OM's basket; she would be shattered w/ the truth. He is a coward, she says, who would rather leave my W than to face any music. He most likely would yell at W for "not taking care" of me when she had the chance. My friend knows this guy, I don’t, so there’s the risk with that.

But wait, there's more! His abuses of his federal employee privileges are documented and punishable. We've done our homework and know that OM will protect his Federal job and personal interests at all costs My L and Dr. H say that we should go after that angle too, to expose and destabilize the OM (and the A).

Finally, we WILL do this (starting next week):

Depose OM so that he has to take into account all the money he has spent on A. Why? to get at all the money my W has spent on the A. MARITAL ASSETS. While in discovery both sides need to get an idea of where resources are going. By deposing him it: 1. Further exposes the details of the A (reality check #1) 2. Puts stress on their ability to lie (bubble pressure) 3. Gives us an opportunity to contact his Dept. via copies of request for deposition (reality check #2-consequences).

This move would not be a direct attack , but would force him into the open where his character and integrity get tested for all involved. My W and OM will have to decide what stories to tell the judge. That will force her down the reality road. It's not about him, but it surely helps to keep him busy. Me? Plan A all the way!

I am instructed to do/say nothing and let L play bad guy. I can do this all day as my L is doing this pro bono, but drains my W's 'war chest' while she's cash strapped with her new business. Steve Harley agrees to this tactic.

Probable results based on info I have:

• OM loses Federal Job
• OM gets busted about OW
• OM emotionally castigates W for being weak (has done so before)
• OM leaves A
• W implodes emotionally (that’s a guarantee)

What then? The Harleys say after the fantasy breaks, she may see her M and BS as safe houses to which she would want to return. I would have not exposed OM directly, and am deep in plan A. I wonder if it would burst the bubble or really kill the M? Thoughts?

As for the 2 OW, I don't have contact info, but my friend may.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Has anyone seen this tactic work? I'd sure like to know how much of what I know I can/should use and still save my M.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dleightonc - There can be NO 3rd party (other than God) in a marriage. So the first step in recovery is to end the affair.

Having said that, YES, you do whatever is necessary to shine the light of day on the affair, beginning with as small a circle of those "in the know" as possible.

Yes, your wife needs to know about the OM's other women. Yes, you need to get the facts (per you lawyer) because, frankly, you only have 2 choices...either you both commit to recovery or you divorce. She has already, through her actions, chosen the divorce route at this point, and you don't have an opportunity for recovery as long as the affair is ongoing.

Yes, if it were possible to rain heavily on the OM's parade (job, etc.) I'd do so in a heartbeat because, with or without YOUR wife, he will continue his devastation of other marriages. You don't let a "serial killer" run around loose if you can do anything to stop him. Unfortunately, there is little that you can do him personally because adultery is no longer recognized by our secular courts. In "days gone by", they would have both been stoned to death. The penalty was high and it was enforce. It acted as a deterent. Not so today where society says it's "okay" to screw around and that marriage vows are not worth paper they are written on.

HE invaded your life....do whatever is necessary, short of illegal things, to break it apart and make him gather some of the consequences of HIS choices.

God bless.

<small>[ July 04, 2004, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

Thank you! I need that encouragement as I'm not naturally an confrontational person.

Regarless of what I do, I have to remember that the A MUST END for recovery to start. And all is fair...

My friend wants to tell my W about the OW's because she is angry with her for using her to facilitate her A. I simply want her to know that he's selling her a bill of goods. I doubt there is a scenario that would make her believe anything bad about "her man". But a neutrally charged one will have the best chance of working as she defogs.

dleightonc

As a FWW with H on active duty & knowing what you do about the OM and his security risk, even though it so very, very a remote chance for anything to happen, I have to ask why would you NOT tell his Federal employer for that reason alone?

This man obviously has no concern lying to your WW and seducing her, then cheating on her, isn't that ironic, but what would you expect from someone like that. I'm not saying that we WW have not made choices because we did, and we have to take responsiblity for those choices we made, but I really feel your WW is being so led down the garden path, she has no idea of what she is doing or hurting and you need to act to help her.

No matter what happens with your M, does she deserve someone like this really?? (If she should ever come home to 'you' she should thank her lucky stars for a man like you who loves her so much) Even though she has hurt you & your family so much she should at least be able to see clearly what she has done and where she is.

So go and do it or have your L do it, tell his employer. Unfortunately this man has forfeited his right to a second chance, no matter how bad his own experiences may have been, he has no rgiht to cause such pain to others.
Tell his employer.

Thanks! I will tell both W and employer. He's cheating them both.

My friend doesn't want me to tell b/c she thinks my W will implicate her. She knows about all this stuff, but I found out on my own. What to do?

bmp

bmp

Don't do it yourself, have the Lawyer do it and make sure that when it comes out you advise everyone that the lawyer investigated the OM"s background and found this all out.

Leave your friends name out of it, and if it is ever questioned just say had nothing to do with friend at all. You've already said that here s number of times so I think you don't need to hold off .

Have you thought it might be placing your friend in a difficult position discussing such options like this? These are better discussed only with your MC & L perhaps?? Just a thought.

You really need to sink the A any way you can. If you don't use the knowledge you are just allowing the behaviour to continue and that will only hurt YOU. Don't give this man any free shots.

All the best on whatever you decide.

You are correct!

This is the riskiest and hardest thing I've ever done. I could lose it all-W S's, Home. My W may never wake up and this dude could actually move here to mess with my kids' heads.

Why do I think this OM is a bad influence? Simply beause anyone who would actively demand someone to end her M is a a**h***e, fog or not. My W too has given in to the dark side as well so my take is I must move to protect the rest of my family. If she wakes up, I'll be here, with our boys, waiting-for a season.

I'll get my L to do it; he's supposed to be the bad guy, our friend doesn't get compromised, and I get to still be in plan A. Of course she will know who sanctioned this, but still, it's better to do this by proxy.

Thoughts?

Did I mention she's a Doctor who understands the risks of unprotected sex?
Affairs make all common/good sense go out the window.

Also he has other women, but she doesn’t know. She believes EVERYTHING he says.
So why would she believe you?
Simply tell her and leave it alone. DO NOT try to convince her in any way.

when it comes out you advise everyone that the lawyer investigated the OM"s background and found this all out.
No, you shouldn't lie about it.
Even if the lawyer did investigate, you would be lying by implying the lawyer found it out, not you.

Did I mention she's a Doctor who understands the risks of unprotected sex?
Affairs make all common/good sense go out the window.

Also he has other women, but she doesn’t know. She believes EVERYTHING he says.
So why would she believe you?
Simply tell her and leave it alone. DO NOT try to convince her in any way.

when it comes out you advise everyone that the lawyer investigated the OM"s background and found this all out.
No, you shouldn't lie about it.
Even if the lawyer did investigate, you would be lying by implying the lawyer found it out, not you.

She wouldn't beleive me, but I'm obligated to tell her, right? I'd tell any other friend I have that their perfect boyfriend has ladies on the side. This situation though, imperils my family.

I should at least plant a seed of reality, no?

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

She wouldn't beleive me, but I'm obligated to tell her, right?
Obligated?
It's mandatory if you want to save your marriage.

This situation though, imperils my family.
Telling her imperils your family or her affair imperils your family?

The A is the "imperiler".

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is the riskiest and hardest thing I've ever done. I could lose it all-W S's, Home. My W may never wake up and this dude could actually move here to mess with my kids' heads.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you are wrong, there is NO RISK here. You have lost your marriage and your W. All that is left are the details UNLESS YOU TAKE ACTION. That means letting her know via yourself or your L, which ever he feels is best, about the OW's. It means letting his employer know NOW, via your lawyer.

You as a citizen of this country and as the BS in this OWE it to the country, your children, yourself, and yes even your W, not to mention the next marriage he ruins to get this man out of his job and out of your life. DO IT AND DO IT SOON.

We don't need federal employees with that type of attitude and behavior. You will never forgive yourself if you don't do this.

You may be able to save your marriage but it will only occur once the TRUTH is out. Your W may decide to ignore the truth, continue with the divorce, and destroy the family but that is HER decision. Your job is to be the best father you can be, and to do your best to bring honesty to this interaction and relationship. You can do no less, and you must do no less. Exposure is crucial, and so is honesty.

You have little to lose.

God Bless,

JL