What has anyone done here anything that works? The concepts here are great but who's made some real gains in ending affairs/restoring their marriages?

<small>[ July 08, 2004, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

dleighton, LOTS of folks have used this program to successfully restore their marriage. I have met many over the years here.

My H ended his affair on D-Day, but my marriage would have never recovered without Marriage Builders and I have no doubt we wouldn't be together today. Our MC introduced us to MB.

While there are no guarantees, doing nothing probably IS a guarantee of getting nothing.

Do the workshops/seminars/retreats deal with infidelity?

here's my story.

Married now 30 years. Three boys, 23, 21 and 16. Marriage littered with baggage. Me, in the early days, immature, more time spent w/friends fishing, golfing, than meeting W's needs. Me, never finished college, always taking jobs requiring 50, 60, 70 hours plus, per week. Partied hard after work, with the old buddies.

W on the pill for 5 years, then one day said it made her sick and so she stopped taking it. One year later, first son was born.... still no birth control and son #2 pops into the world. It was not something we'd talked about much, certainly didn't POJA. So now we are a "family".

After son #1 was born, we moved, primarily for me to leave the old lifestyle behind (yeah, drugs, alcohol, parties, all niter's, now a "reformed" hippie, lol!).

Worked more crap jobs, lots of hours, little attention to her needs, and we struggled financially. All this, up till around 1987, when I got a "real" job, with benefits, but, still required tons of hours. About this time, we learn son #3 is on the way, totally unplanned. CRAP!

I never helped much with the kids because of the long hours, and when I got a rare day off, I selfishly used it for ME. Fishing, golfing, whatever. I seldom watched the kids, took them to sitters, doctors, all that. In short, I was not much of a catch. We learned to live seperate lives.

About the time we moved away from my Old Lifestyle, I had a ONS, with an acquaintance, in a drunken stupor. Kept it quiet for less than a year, then fessed up, telling all but the name. We "got through that", at the time, but it came up as LB 1,000 times or more in ensuing years.

Fast forward to June 2001. Better job, better money, kids growing up, life is good, right? Not really. Neither of us have the marriage we dreamed of. W was way lacking in the SF department, and I thought always using SF as a control factor. Tempers often were lost and ugly fights ensued. Good times were "OK", but bad times were UGLY.

Then my 35th class reunion comes up. We attend. I'm mixing it up with the bunch, and notice my W is spending lots of time with one of my male classmates. Thought nothing of it. Fast forward one month. I've noticed greater detachment, odd remarks, odd behaviour. Start "paying attention" and find she's in EA over computer with this "friend". I find her stash of e-mails and we have angry confrontation, apologies, agree to NC, and life goes on.

Fast forward again, two years. Things are getting worse again, more distance. Good times are few and far between. She's looking for a house for middle son to buy. Hooked up with a divorced real estate agent, heavy drinker, and started seeing him on a regular basis April 03. I get suspicious, and get hot on the trail by August 03. Labor Day weekend, 03, is D-day. I give her a choice, commit to marriage, or get out. She stays. We started MC immediately, but she was so fogged out nothing mattered, nothing stuck.

We started recovery in early September, but it was false. Although she reluctantly "agreed" to NC, she still called him about once a month (right after we had a fight and I uttered threats and LB's). By December, 03, we hadn't gained anything. She "said" she was trying, but wasn't.

Shortly after D-day, I found out by way of voice activated phone recorder that she also had an EA in about our 4th year of marriage. Right after I listened to a 30 min call between W and OM, the guy from 25 years ago calls to, expressing his continued love for her. She was no longer "involved" w/him, but he professed his love for her 2-3 times a year for WELL OVER 20 YEARS. W said he would have left his W at any time, if she would have seperated from me! WOW.

In Dec, 03 I nearly moved out, then decided, why me? I told her if we split, she'd be the one going. Found out in Dec about MB, and read the book, studied the site and started doing things the MB way. Found that LB$ deposits were making a difference, however slight. But she was still fogged out, and "in love" with OM.

In Feb 04, I called her out, major fight, more threats, more DJ's, LB's of the worst kind. Ready to move out again. She asks me NOT to leave, she'll try harder, blah, blah, blah. Things return to peaceful coexistance. Then I get the lucky break. My son tells me he saw OM with new GF on that day. I tell WW this bit of info, not because I wanted to, but because it would not be radical honesty if I didn't. Turns out it was not a 2x4 for her reality, but a 2x8! She was devastated.

I had to comfort her all that evening and all the next day, for her loss. That when "recovery" began, February 26, 2004. The A was broken/interrupted very much in the "in love" stage. That's the biggest deposit I've ever made in her LB$. She still wonders how I could hold her and comfort her in her grief for the OM.

She is not totally defogged today, but it's foreseeable. It's been tedious. If I could change one thing, I'd have exposed it to the world. Might have cost me the marriage, but I would have cost OM his job, and my W a lot of respect from her and my family, which would have/should have been consequences she would have had to deal with. Otherwise, I'm comfortable with what I've gone through, to this point.

Since then, it's been slow steady. I believe we can fix all this, and now, I think, she is starting to believe it too. If I had not found the MB site, and done away with the anger and the love busters, we would not be living in the same house today, working on our marriage. And it's not just the MB philosophy, the people on this forum played a huge part in helping me draw the strength to continue trying to save the marriage.

Now aren't you sorry you asked? LOL

SD

I have been here for 9 months. Of all the people I have posted to, most got back with their spouse. There were a few who didn't, but were happy they didn't. They have moved on.

So the program does work. You just have to trust it will.

YOU told W about OM's GF? Wow. I don't know if mine can handle me doing it, but you give me an idea. Your story is actually encouraging because you LBed a lot, she strayed more than you imagined, but you still are together, working it out.

thanks for sharing!

one of the most important MB principles is telling the OP's spouse. It sheds light on the affair and tends to work in favor of the marriage.

To clarify a bit.... I tried to push the R talks constantly at first. I realized it got me no where! So I would Plan A my A$$ off for at least a week, then I would initiate some talk about where we were and where were we going. Sometime the talks were OK, other times it got "pressurized".

I minimized the times we talked, but maximized the talks when we had them. At the time I told her the OM had a girlfriend, it was 8-10 days between "talks". At all other times, Plan A was my lifestyle.

Everyone's different, I'm sure, but it (MB)has worked real well for me, so far, and my FWW has become the woman I used to know a love again!

I hope you can be so fortunate in your efforts!

SD

There is so much going on that I agree giving her reality in small bites is best. Question: should I tell her I'm not going to cooperate in the D process?

Yes, that's what you should tell her. That you are not interested in a D, that you are only interested in changing those things about YOU that made the marriage weak, and that you wish to see the marriage survive and flourish.

Acknowledge and apologize for any of your shortcomings in the marriage, Pre-A. Keep the conversations safe, and do not commit any LoveBusters. If the conversations gets heated, or either of you become emotional and angry, call a time out, and agree to take a break and come back to the conversation when it is once again "safe".

She will NOT open up to you if she feels threatened in any way. Do not use any information she shares with you in an "in her face" kind of way, or she'll "turtle-up" on you.

Remember, this is not going to be fixed in a week or a month. Whatever you do, use time and patience above all other things.

SD

What do I do about the D proceedings? I'm saying I don't want one but have to respond in this state or she gets it by default. I'm plan to stall the process by not conceeding anything at any point in the process (mediation is in 2 weeks). Seems like a big LB to me, but what else can I do?

bmp

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes, that's what you should tell her. That you are not interested in a D, that you are only interested in changing those things about YOU that made the marriage weak, and that you wish to see the marriage survive and flourish.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm going to do this while:

1. letting her know OM has OW
2. Deposing OM for financial info
3. Telling OM's job of his job abuses w/ A

I'll look like the devil but will charge neutral. any suggestions on timing? First mediation is supposed to be in two weeks.

I would recommend all one fell swoop. If it is going to be a LB, might as well be one, so everyone can get used to it and get over it, instead of a slow steady stream of LBs.

Just MVHO.

That's a heavy swoop, but you're probally right. Ekeing it out may seem predatory and vindictive. In that light should I give her a letter telling why I'm doing what I'm doing? If so should it be before or after the bombs drop?

from my understanding, and i think you will find this is a common theme, that it's not necessarily a great idea to tell them why we are doing what we are doing or even what we are going to do. now granted things happen and subject come up and then we just handle them the best that we can using the MB principles and God's guidance. however, there could always be "phrases" you could use to "get" you out of trouble. like "i can't in good conscience walk away from something i know can be repaired and be better." or "i'm just not in a position where i'm ready for that right now."


God Bless, RR

That's been the question, tell what or tell why? You say don't do either. No heads-up? Seems like LB'ing either way...

No heads-up?
So she thinks you want a divorce?
Haven't you previously told her you do not want one?

I did, but she soldiered on, assuming that I was on board. I don't talk about it so she thinks I'm ok with it now. No such deal.

bmp