I posted this on the Moving Ahead thread, but I wanted to share it with everyone. It's all just give, give, give with me!

I can't for the life of me understand it!!!!! Why am I reaping the hell for the A that I didn't have???? The aftermath goes on and on and on. BV said:
quote: It is not fair what you BSs go through, I know. Tell me about it! I WANT TO TALK TO MY WIFE, BUT SHE WILLLLLLL NOTTTTT TALKKKK TO MEEEE!!!!!!!! WHY???? When I say talk I don't mean about the weather she'll talk about that; or the car, or the kids, or the job! No, I want to talk about us, make some ground for us, press on for us, work on us! I feel like we're moving on after a huge wound and it's still bleeding and ooozing and we're just moving ahead with it bleeding on the floor. Maybe that's good enough for her, but not enough for me!

I was at the house today with the kids, played, cleaned, cooked an awesome supper of baked fish, steamed vegetables and potatos and onions with a dessert. As soon as she came through the door all she had to do was sit down and eat. I even did the dishes while she ran out to go to the store for something. (Meeting needs, meeting needs, meeting needs.....) All in the freakin' hope that maybe, just maybe I could get some kind of need of mine met tonight. We go to bed and I ask if we can talk, she gets all ambivalent and aloof. I can feel my blood boil, teeth grind.... I just get up and go to the pc. At least I can do that now. No more LB for me... But, why not? So she won't turn away from me, oh, but wait, she already is. I have become the most need meetingist fool on the stinkin' planet all for the hope of her turning around and just bursting open and spilling her guts out one day. Fall into my arms and things start to get somewhat normal. Well, I'm beginning to think that is just a dream that I will never realize now. I feel like I'm the only one pulling on this yoke. Marriage is a yoke made for two, what if only one is pulling? You go in circles!!!!!!!!

OOOOOOHHHHH God, help me!

Why do I deserve this treatment?

I'm sorry for the rant. I thought if I shared this in this thread someone could shed some little bit of light on this very very dark subject. [Mad]

RwS,
Read plan A, I'm sure it says no relationship talk. I haven't actually read it, being on this side of the fence but that is what I get from other's post.

She will feel pushed and retreat if you do this. Patience kind sir. Your W is in a very bad place right now. She is giving you all she is feeling. I'm sorry that hurts you, and I know it is not fair. Wait till this damn awful fog lifts and she can be your W again.

The R talk is LB to her. Plan A is so hard, and ridiculous to some extent. Keep doing good. It will pay off for your in the end. Let her heal. Be her lighthouse, let her find you through the fog. Make her a safe and lovely place to come home to.

KY

RWS, do you think your wife WOULD talk to me?

She sounds like she really doesn't want to talk to anyone about this.

I could talk to her by e-mail because I don't think she sounds like she'd be comfortable coming on the board.

So sorry you're going through this.

As you know (I think) our d-day was October 2003 and tonight I'm making H a casserole, we'll have a couple of wines, watch TV or listen to music - go to bed, you know, have a normal life.

IT CAN HAPPEN.

Jenny

Dear RWS

I have just posted you a reply and my thoughts on the Moving On Thread.

Kas

Plan A does not say no relationship talk, no affair talk. Plan A is about meeting needs not ignoring reality. Dr. Harley even says you go all to expose an affair while in Plan A.

Plan A is not being a doormat its about meeting needs. Now where most BSs fall down is they love bust when talking about the affair, relationship or whatever. And there is not suppose to be any love busting in Plan A.

I stand corrected. Thank you Stdad

I was corrected somewhat by a FWW about this post. She's probably right. However, the needs I needed met that night was not sex, it was communication. I feel lost with no one to talk to. I don't know how to traverse this labyrinth of emotions and fog that my wife is in. My feelings are pretty straight forward, hers seem to be like the Christmas lights when you pull them out of the box from last year, all balled up and tangled. I'm sorting through trying to make some sense out of all of this.

This whole thing is the craziest thing I've ever gone through. How am I supposed to stay cool when I'm being beat over the head with the harshness, coolness and lack of communication. Then when I do get upset it's almost like she says, aaahhhaaa! See I told you that you would react like that. If you go to the zoo and get a stick and hit the tiger over the head long enough he's going to roar some, right?

I'm not clammering for my rights, I really don't care about that. I just don't know how to do this.
This is a game where the rules don't make any sense. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I"m feeling the same way. the past few weeks i've been plan Aing my butt off! and my H was giving back to me things were feeling good but then after last night hes telling me the same crap.. cant feel he can talk to me. etc and no wi feel we are starting all over once again. how many times do we start over? its just crazy. I wonder why i am the one going out of my way when i did not have the A!!!!!

RWS and other BS's,

Something in your marriage before the affair caused your WS to pull away from you....he/she is not JUST NOW pulling away from you. It started before the affair, it continued during the affair and that is what is STILL happening.
I think I said this somewhere in another thread, but your problems NOW are not CAUSED by the affair. The affair was a SYMPTOM of what was wrong in the marriage. Just because the affair is over doesn't mean the problem will just disappear.

Maybe your spouse is still in withdrawal over what she lost with YOU before the affair...NOT just what she lost with OM.


Julie

RWS,

This morning I posted some info from the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder....they are "messages of the affair". That is, what was wrong before the affair. I know that my husband was trying to get this out of me, but I had a hard time articulating what I was feeling...hence all the "I don't knows"....but that definitely doesn't mean "I don't care".

Even now I'm still not real sure which applies to me....it's been more like a gradual discovery than a sudden "AHA!".

Also, when I was in that "I don't know" mode, I was refusing to cooperate when he seemed to be trying to be in control and dictate what, when, where, and how we were going to get through this....one of the exact same things he seemed to do BEFORE that I didn't like.

Anyway, maybe your wife just can't put it into words right now. It wouldn't hurt to show her those "messages" and ask if any sound like how she feels/felt before the affair.

Good luck,
Julie

P.S. I posted that info on the "Moving Forward" thread.

<small>[ July 03, 2004, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: onlywords ]</small>

Hi RWS,

I think you're doing a great job with trying to meet your W's needs... I would add one thing though...

When you do somehting 'nice' for your W... expect NOTHING in return. No conversation, no return favor, nothing. When you do somehting for your W, it should be out of love for her... not to manipulate her into doing something for you. I know this is hard, but if you're doing things for her and expecting something in return (conversation, SF,...) then she's going to notice and your actions will come across as manipulative.

I tried this with my W and would get so frustrated... I had to show my W that when I did nice things for her, that I was doing them because I wanted to, not because I was trying to get her to spill her guts about her A's. (I also had to learn to control my anger and my temper before she felt comfortable enough to talk about the past... took a LONG time for me to finally get there)

You're doing great... I know how hard this is... but you can do it... Love her as Christ loved the Church... and don't expect anything back from her for a while... as you consistantly show her that you love her and that you have your anger and emotions under control, I think you'll see a change in your W's reactions to you...

Semper Fi,
RIF90