Found an inapproiate e-mail and called the woman after H says he doesn't know what's up with it . Knew when I was going to tell him about me phoning her(next day) and put voice activated recorder in car because I wasn't 100 % sure I believed him .Wanted to know he didn't call her during his 1 hr. drive home from taking me to airport. Good news is , he didn't call her so felt relieved and dismissed it as my insecurities coming out and making me paranoid .Bad news is , I got a conversation with a co-worker and he was saying I was leaving town to get away from him for a few days and hoped I caame back with my head screwed on straight(was going to see my 88 yr. old dad because He's old and want to spend time with him and H knew that was the reason) . Told her( know it was a woman by the way he talked) I was having insecurites about him traveling with new job and other things I hold private .
I knew I had to tell him about recording and of course he was furious . He was more concerned about if I told our MC and what she thought , hoping to get back-up that I was a lunitic . He wouldn't finish listening to tape and said I was looking for turmoil . He really made me feel horrible and ugly for doing that .
What's wrong with me ? We've been in R for over yr. Til he started a new job everything he did was the right thing -tried very hard to make amends. Am I horrible for taping him ? I feel so sleazy .
How far are we to go to get the peace we've worked soooo hard to achieve ? Why can't I 100% trust again .

khb5

Lets do a little exercise...indulge me for a moment.

A year ago you find out your oldest daughter had been smoking pot....say about the exact length of time your husband's affair.

Everything seems to be going well until one day your daughter has a new friend. You happen upon an email from that friend talking about a party and in it the new friend makes a reference to some "really good chit will be at the party".

Now the freind doesn't say drugs but there is a hint a suggestion some language insinuations that make you nervous so you check up on your daughter the night of the party.

Would you be asking what is wrong with you under those circumstances?

Would your husband or therapist think you are a lunatic for checking up on your daughter?

You see your husband broke trust and you would only be crazy if you didn't check up on him from time to time especially given the inappropiate email you found from a woman.

You're right about that but it's been over an hr. since he got up and hasn't said one word to me .
If you were having a conversation with opp. sx co-worker ,what would your motive be-why would be having that situation ??
How would you feel if BS recorded you ? I understand why he's mad - I'm humiliated and embarrassed as hell and wish I hadn't done it (sort of) Don't know how to resolve it when he doesn't care how I feel hearing my diry laundry aired with someone I don't even know .

kh, I am not sure what you are ashamed about. For catching him talking about you? Shouldn't he be the one who is ashamed? I guess I don't see why you are buying into this guilt because you haven't done anything wrong.

You were within your rights to check up on him. He has been untrustworthy in the past and you would be crazy to trust an untrustworthy person. You have every right to protect yourself from him and this conversation certainly underscores the fact that he doesn't have your best interest at heart.

I agree with Melody. You did nothing wrong. He did. At the very least he is portraying you has crazy, while he is the long-suffering husband.

I think he is up to something.

khb5,

There is nothing wrong with you on this issue.
YOU are simply insecure and unsure of where your M stands (thanks to your H).
Doesn't seem as though he is doing much in the way of meeting your need for security.

I really wish you hadn't confronted him with the recording.
If there is something Still going on.....well, now that door for information is now shut.
All this did was make him angry, make you feel horrible, and close off a valuable source of info. for you.
Unfortunately, NOW your going to Still be insecure, but not even have this as a way of checking in on him. That's too bad.

I agree that his Reaction to all this, is a flag in and of itself.
He destroyed his own credibility. NO need to try and injure you over his mistakes.
Considering the circumstances what your doing is not unreasonable.

In addition, You are not horrible for taping him.
IN fact, just the opposite. You know now what he IS capable of.
Instead of blindly trusting, you are NOW being proactive when you suspect a problem. If he would just be Completely honest with you, there would be NO NEED for you to take these measures.
However, since he can't seem to manage that one small task (honesty...or at least not with you) then you Have to do whatever you have to in order to protect yourself and your M.

As far as your trusting in him 100%.......... forget it. IMO that will never happen again.
You can get close in the 90% somewhere, but the "innocence" of your trust and M is gone Forever. If he earns it, the level can be brought back from where it is now, but it will never be quit the same.
NOT saying he can't earn back most of your trust.
But after infidelity and then all the subsequent lying, YOU will never be the Naive Trusting person you once were. So stop driving yourself crazy trying to reach what you can't get too.
At some level, with some issues, there will ALWAYS be some doubt and misgiving. And that is a good thing. You are now wiser. IT will protect you.

Heck, once someone burns you this badly, (especially in this area) even they know that if something smells fishy down the road that they Will NOT get the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure your H got the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions and used it against you.
As a result, YOU just can't afford to be that generous with your self anymore.

Remember, it was his choice to burn those bridges.
You are now simply responding to choices you had No vote on.
So stop bearing the cross for his sins. He needs to be accountable for his own actions. Checking up on a cheater is not only reasonable, its self protection.
That is just one consequence they must get used too. (If they want to reconcile).

If anyone claims they do trust a WS 100% again [in all things] then all I'll say is "OK"!
I just don't agree with that premise. But if it works for you, then go for it.

Wish I had a crystal ball I could gaze into for you. Because for me the not being sure, was even worse then the actual knowing. It drove me crazy.

Take care

Maybe even if we don't trust the person 100%, its better to assume there is nothing wrong.

Err on the side of trust a bit.

If we are continutally wondering about their faithfulness, its going to make us more likely to LB, act suspicious, withhold love.

If we are going to recover, we need to act confident, be confident, look at the positive things , be positive, instead of looking for signs, checking up on them.

I don't mean we should hide our heads in the sand, but maybe just not assume the worst?

I read something today where a man was saying that he and his partner aren't married in the traditional sense, ( there is no legal paper they have to abide by) but that every day when they wake up together , they know that they have chosen to be together- intentionally- and that this is a continual reaffirmation of their love and committment.

They are not togehter because they have to be- but because they want to be.

(Don't know what this has to do with anything.

I need sleep)

Shul