OK, the OM and I have had no contact for nearly a month now and judging by both of our actions, I don't anticipate any contact in the future other than the chance encounter around town at our kids school or the grocery store.

Several of you have suggested that I write a NC letter with my H. Is this still necessary even if there doesn't appear to be any danger of falling back into the A?

If I do write one, what should it include? Do I keep it emotionally neutral or should I express my sorrow and regret for what happened?

Please let me know your thoughts.

Boss

Boss, it is always a good idea to send the NC letter to ENSURE there is no future contact and to let the OP know that the affair was a mistake. This gesture also goes a long way in reassuring the BS that you put his feelings FIRST, before the OP's. It is very healing and contributes a great deal to recovery.

Here are some samples:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918

Well it is part of the MB plan, so I think you should send one.

It should say Dear OM, I love my husband and we are working on our marriage. Please do not contact me for any reason.

It needs to be short. Then have your husband mail it.

Boss,
The NC letter should be direct and brief.

You should start by saying that your H is aware of the affair. You should declare thet it was a mistake from the beginning. Some people say that they regret hurting their spouse so deeply.

Tell FOM that the two of you may never communicate again in any fashion. Tell him that if he breaks NC you will tell your H.

Do not say anything about his life. For example, don't say I hope you and your W work it out. Nor say I hope you are always happy or have a great life.

This letter is primarily for you and your H and only secondarily to tell OM to stay the heck away. It's another sign to your H that you've recommitted to the M and it is one tengible way for you to start to restore the trust.

If OM breaks NC make sure you tell H asap. If H is somehow monitoring your behavior and knows that you didn't tell him, this wastes a great oppurtunity for trust to be restored.

cwmac

PS Has your H told the OM's W?

Cwmac,

Yes, the OM's W knows. She knew before my H.

I'll be honest - I'm afraid contact (even through a NC letter) will set of the OM's W.

I am a very non-confrontational person and this scares me that she will take offence and possibly make things worse.

Does anyone have any input?

Boss

I do, I have two cents for you.

Send one to her as well. Seperate envelopes, or address it to both of them, write her a seperate letter telling her your intentions with the letter, that your H and you have done this together, he approves of the letter, blah blah blah

KY

boss - Send the letter. It should make the wife feel more secure.

How are things with your husband going?

Believer,

Things with H are off and on. Although I have made sure to maintain physical intimacy, he just doesn't seem to have his heart in it. I know in his heart that he loves me, but he is so distant and can't tell me. He hasn't worn his wedding ring in a month.

I think he does want to work it out but I'm losing momentum. I'm starting to become withdrawn and I don't want to because I know that will only make him more distant.

I need inspiration to keep going. I need strength because it is fading fast.

I love him deeply and don't want to lose him but I feel so disconnected. Please help.

Boss

I think you just have to give it time. And keep telling him how sorry you are, that you don't know what came over you. (If that is true).

Would he come here and post?

Boss,
You said that you are non-confrontational. Are you a conflict avoider? A passive-aggressive type?

I didn't wear my ring for months. I acted out and LBed big time. Called my wife a sl#t and or other derogatory names.

If you want to stay married you are the one who needs to be strong right now and push the selfish thaoughts of withdrawing from your H out of your mind.

Most BS come around it's just early in your process. My DDay2 was in early Sept of last year. I was a mess thru this past winter.

Even today, the 4th of July was a trigger for me. The 4th was when we were in Italy and the W was thinking of her OM.

Stay srtrong and focused on the right path.

cwmac

Believer,

I don't know if he would post. I told him about this web site but he doesn't know I post and I don't know if he has checked out.

I know he needs time. I just don't know how much more contempt in his eyes I can take. I ache for the pain I have caused him and I feel as though there is nothing I can do to make it better.

I want so much for things to be better. I have expressed my remorse but know he feels he doesn't know me - I am not the woman he married - she wouldn't have done this horrible thing.

I need to become more optimistic but don't know how. My kids are suffering because I'm in such a rut. That's not fair to them.

Boss

Boss,
I say this with kindness and wish that somebody would have said it to my wife.

You really need to be patient. Your H can't be rushed thru the process. He'll go at his own speed. I realize it'll be hard for you bc of guilt but you need to be there to help him. You need to be the strong one in the face of all of this. Don't you owe it to him and your kids?

Have you read any marriage or relatinship books? I think I suggested one.

Again just trying to help not hurt.

cwmac

Cwmac,

you're right. I know I need to be strong. I'm just so depressed and i don't know how to get ourt of it.

My kids are so important to me, but I just don't feel like I have the strength to be a good Mom and do what it takes for my marriage.

Please help me find the strength.

Boss

Boss,
I was depressed too.

One bit of advice from veteran MBers that I ignored concerned depression.

Quite a few warned me that I should go to a Dr and get on anti-depressants. Being the stubborn person that I am I thought I could do this myself. I was so wrong.

The events and aftermath of an affair can cause depression in both spouses. Pleeeeeezzzz consider going on ADs. They will help you flatten out the rollercoaster ride of emotions.

Think of your kid's happiness. If you fell better, they'll feel better. I think it will rub off a bit on your H too. Wellibutron worked for me with no sexual side effects.

cwmac