As most of you know, I have done a horrible MB plan. Threw WH out before I found this site. So I never did Plan A. Started with Plan B. This has been going on for 16 long months.

WH wanted to reconcile many times, but could never get rid of OW. In the meantime, I let him retire, and since then I have had financial problems.

I do not want him back. Plan B has been good for me.

I had asked him for some more money, because I am fixing up the house. He refused at first, and then came over during the day when I was at work, and left me a check, along with the following note:

Believer - Here is some money to pay for some of the home improvements. I want to get things resolved and settle our differances too.

I will call you this weekend - it's very important I talk with you. Please take care.

With Love,
WH

So my question is - should I talk to him? I have been mostly in a bad Plan B. But I have been able to "move on".

When he says it's very important to talk to me, he means it is very important FOR HIM. So should I jump back on the roller-coaster, or just let it be?

I suspect he might just want a believer "fix" so he can carry on the affair a while longer. Thats probably why he dropped off the money too. He misses you, gets his fix, and then goes back and plays some more.

He knows your conditions for discussions and has continually trampled over them. I would suggest calling his sister and telling her to please call and ask him if he has ended his affair with the OW. If yes, you will meet with him. If not, no thanks you will pass.

OR, just ignore the letter and if he calls ask him if he has ended his affair with the OW. If not, tell him to give you a call when he has. Until then, you have nothing to discuss.

Don't give him the believer fix he seeks!

what do you mean you let him retire?? if he was gone how did you control his choice to work or not work?


IMHO - If you want to talk with your husband than before you set that date decide what you want from that meeting?? and stick to your guns

Now regarding Plan B - I believe it's very specific that you have NO contact with husband until OW is gone, gone, gone.

If you were in Plan B, how did you go about asking him for money?

Susan

I agree with Melody. Don't let him have his "fix". We have all made that mistake because we fail to realize that these episodes are acutually a "zero sum game". If he gains, you lose.

My prayers are with you.

The more I think about it, the more I think the best thing to do is just ignore it. And IF he calls, just ask if he has ended contact. If not, tell him you will pass on talk and wish him well before you go CLICK!

goodguy - I let him retire. He had a chance for an early out with a bonus, which he turned down. I found out from another government worker, and called WH and told him I would not persue divorce.

My WH is a good man, he really is. I don't want to hurt him, and I love him. But like pep says "Whats love got to do with it?".

When I talked to WH last week while asking for more money, he said " I thought you said you would always love me. " I replied, that I do love him and always will, but that does not mean I should stay married to him.

Believer, I agree with Melodylane, ignore him.

I am glad that I reach to the point that I don't care about WH anymore, as long as he doesn't bother me like sending a letter yesterday. He is gone today, I don't miss him. As long as I can go to Toronto. Oh, I am done with him. Is that the stage you are in, you move one?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I talked to WH last week while asking for more money, he said " I thought you said you would always love me. " I replied, that I do love him and always will, but that does not mean I should stay married to him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you ARE or you're NOT in Plan B?

Susan

melody - I know I should ignore him. But I just keep hoping that things will change, but at the same time I don't want him. Does that make sense?

lostnhurt - You are in a completely different situation than I am. You have a family and children (and kitties). You have to hang in there longer than I do.

susan - I have done a horrible Plan B. It started out good, and was good enough that I don't want WH back. But I do need money from him, and that has been my downfall.

believer

You have given so, so much of yourself to others in these forums. It's really time for you to catch a break.

I agree with ML. Don't give him the fix. After 16 months of no Plan A and a wobbly Plan B, and hearing that you don't know if you want him back anymore, it is time for you to move forward in your own personal life.

Now I'm not in your shoes, and I'm just trying to help, but is there NO action you can take? Is there a Legal Separation in your state, where you can NOT dissolve the marriage, but at least dissolve and settle on some kind of financial arrangement, so you don't have to go to him for money? It would sure make Plan B easier, no?

As importantly, what are you doing for you? Do you get out and circulate with friends? Do you have some recreational activities to keep you motivated and mentally healthy? Hobbies?

You have done so much for so many, it would seem that a "gang" of the "old timer's" here would jump on your "case" and get you moving, one way or the other. I guess that's what I hope this post to be, perhaps, a catalyst that will bring someone to the thread who can give you some help, and most of all, some hope!

Bless you for all you've been through, and for all you've done!~~

SD

Not sure if I'm an old timer???

This may sound cruel and please forgive me - STOP BEING THE VICTOM. Stand up and start being strong.

He decided to retire you didn't control that decission.

Retired or not he still has legal financial obligations to you unless you live somewhere outside of north america.

Just because he gives you money doesn't meen he is the greatest. He may be the exact same guy he was last year.

I agree with others start rebuilding yourself. Do anything and everything to improve. Go to school, new job, get out with friends etc.

Your husband weather you know it or not is still contoling part of your life and he knows it. Plan B means no contact yet you called for money. You don't need to call - get a separation agreement togther and cut off the need to call him now and then.

You will be shocked to see his reaction when he finds out that your moving forward. Is simple question about your love for him is rooted in his need to know that you may still be there for him. It's a small string for him to hold onto.

good luck

hi Believer- also plan B is difficult for me too- financially- hate it. filed for support. that will cause some reaction or none? who knows- gotta eat......I get more contradictions than anything....i'll look for you in chat....

http://www.san-andreas.com/mbladies/chat.php

PEACE OUT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Believer: As most of you know, I have done a horrible MB plan. Threw WH out before I found this site. So I never did Plan A. Started with Plan B. This has been going on for 16 long months. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Can't fix the past but you can improve the future. At least the part within your control. Now what are the parameters for your plan B? What subjects are you allowing contact on? If so, how did you outline they be handled?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Believer: WH wanted to reconcile many times, but could never get rid of OW. In the meantime, I let him retire, and since then I have had financial problems. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: What kind of reconciliation did he want many times vs what kind you wanted vs what you need? What are your boundaries?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Believer: I do not want him back. Plan B has been good for me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: How does he know this? Is it questionnable in his mind or definite and is he in denial?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Believer: I had asked him for some more money, because I am fixing up the house. He refused at first, and then came over during the day when I was at work, and left me a check, along with the following note:

Believer - Here is some money to pay for some of the home improvements. I want to get things resolved and settle our differances too.

I will call you this weekend - it's very important I talk with you. Please take care.

With Love,
WH </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Now here is where I am in direct contradiction from all your previous posters. Your H wants to talk. That is something you used to want. Do you still? If you do even if you are in a type of plan B, you can accomodate it. Why? Because in plan B there are periodic times where you do a reality check on the fog. It can't be too often or the effect loses its punch.



</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Believer: So my question is - should I talk to him? I have been mostly in a bad Plan B. But I have been able to "move on". </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: IMHO, yes. Hear him out. If this will not hurt you too much. Know he is still a bit foggy but you need to know if the fog is thickening or lifting. If you are in a plan B, you can't really tell since communication has been minimal. Moving forward is for you. At this time, he is asking for some of your time. Can you accomodate his request without risking your personal recovery? I think you can.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Believer: When he says it's very important to talk to me, he means it is very important FOR HIM. So should I jump back on the roller-coaster, or just let it be? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Your perception is correct. Realize he is still foggy so that is his best foot forward at the moment. If that is the best he can do, what is the best you can do?


We have to remember that plan B practices will need to be adjusted as circumstances adjust. Just like therapy or remedies chamges as a patient heals, so does plan B. Steve H is not opposed to doing a periodic check with the WS while in plan B. How and how often is the key.

JMHO,
L.

<small>[ July 03, 2004, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Believer,

You and I have posted to each other a lot over these past 9 months.

I have to say that I think that your WH is living his life.HIS Life and the way it is now is what it IS.I don't think it's going to change.He's not capable based on all the posts you have typed and what you have told us.This is his new way of life and YOU are on the sidelines,that's all.

If you don't want him back and feel better without him in your life then let him go.It's been 16 months.The plans are just about tapped out for any kind of recovery at this point.Maybe you already know this deep down but are reluctant to let go of what seems familiar even if it's your WH's bad behavior.

There may be a part of you that always loves him but like you mentioned,that doesn't cement a relationship of the kind you had anymore.That is the past.All your falls off the wagon in your Plan B have only perpetuated the periodic contacts from your WH that have amounted to only more pain and suffering.Every time you have posted here to tell us about it we heard,pain.No resolution,no answers,no happiness,continued OW contact.

You know,for me,moving out the waiting game onto the path of a D has really empowered me and made me feel better.In a weird way it's odd to think about a D as the right decision but it is for me.What have you got to lose except give up this truly dysfunctional relationship with your WH? If you head toward a D and he stops you just in time to say "Ok, I am ready to stop contact with OW and work on our marriage" then that is your opportunity to do so. If he never stops you,you can be assured of what value he holds you in his life.

Alimony can continue if money is needed.You get 50% being there in the Golden State which benefits you.I think Plan B isn't really working in any way now.It's been abused and now WH sees what you are doing as your way of life,not by any means with which to separate the OW from WH and allow WH to be without you.You have given him many opportunities to see you and vice versa.Is this the way you see yourself continuing in life?

Sometimes it's hard to say,well I know what you have been doing isn't helpful to you or your marriage but that is how I see it.Sorry if this upsets you but from a purely objective point of view from a fellow MB'r.The letter from your WH tells me that HE is ready and even willing to move on.Nothing is mentioned about a recovery.

My WH still does this to me.Every e-mail and conversation is SO IMPORTANT so that he can draw me in and talk to me,getting his fix of wife/family with the homewrecker waiting in the wings.It's never about reconciling anymore.I don't want him to be able to do that to me.I want everything to be separate.I am tired of his mind games and his selfish behavior.I want to be on my own,away from his abuse.

If you really want to wait it out more like Jon in SAA then stick to a solid Plan B without the slip ups.Don't talk to WH.Let someone else pass on the info to you properly.

O

<small>[ July 04, 2004, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Octobergirl -

Yes I am coming out of the denial. My WH has been with the OW for 16 months. He still says he loves me, but his actions show differently. I have spent a total of 10 hours with him, since D-day.

Just like the note he left - he wants to resolve things, and it is very important that he talk to me. I know my WH well. He could have talked to me on Friday, but chose to come and leave the note while I was at work.

I believe that he is going to offer me some kind of settlement. And it will probably be very little. Our big problem is that he wants the mobile home that we lived in back. He wants to move in OW.

I don't want to do that. It is right across the street from where I would live with my boys. So I don't know what the answer is.

So when I talk to him, I am going to suggest mediation. I think that is our only hope.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "that which does not kill us makes us stronger" Nietzsche </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hmmmmmmm Nietzsche said GOD IS DEAD

God says NIETZSCHE is DEAD.

hang in there believer.....check out the prayer thread on Prayer Requests here and on ladies board individual growth section....

PEACE OUT

Now listen baby, I'm gonna have to pull the 4x4 this time! Now I know about your in between, plan, but you know each time you talk to him or have contact.. guess what? You're MISERABLE! so in order to save yourself this pain....ignore the note.. or do what one of the members said.. call his sister, and tell his sister what you want. And that will be it! :)D

Big hugs*

You don't want me to start singing again now do you?
Harudah pulls the microphone* "We don't need another hero, we don't need to know the way home." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And babygirl, you're already home, so please keep your sweet self up and look straight foward! Plan B your buttocks off!

sprezzatura,

"God says Nietzsche is dead"

You need to go back and read some information on Friedrich Nietzsche(Particularly 'The Gay Science') before using this oft misquoted,misguided statement.Sounds intellectual but it isn't.Nice try.

O

believer, i have no idea what to say or suggest to you but i feel that w/all that you do to support others here that the least i could do is to reply and show that i have read this thread and just want to say many are praying for you and just do what you can for as long as you can. you do know your H and would suspect you are correct about the mobile home and i would just like you have to be "firm" on that factor. wish you continued strength and prayers to you, RR