Lets have a long weekend update.

DOES YOUR WORLD LOOK LIKE THIS????

I'm a male who is now 16 months past the day my WW left and confessed.

At first I was an emotional bag of toys. What did I do? Why wouldn't she talk? How can he be better than us, our family and friends we built together? And so on.

Then some stabilty (maybe the meds, family support etc). Though I still wanted her and she seamed so distant, uncarring and in a much better place than I. enjoying her new home, summer with him and so on.

Then Plan B - Now I have no input, control or contact to influence her. (New People - When you reach Plan B it really is about us)

Now it's holiday season - her birthday, thanksgiving, christmas, valentines, my birthday and almost one year. I don't feel so bad as the meds are still working, I can live without her, my family and friends to my surprise (I was a fool to think otherwise) are still in my life.

So now come the divorce process - WW and I talk (just have to) - I go back to a modified plan A - strong, confidant, happy yet distant from her - no talk about my life as it's her move now. Ask some specific questions that I know what the awnser should be. - Do you love OM??? Is your life really better with OM??? Do you feel no remorse for what happened to us??

My response from her is - Umm, ohhh etc.

WW is slow with the Divorce process. Hasn't moved in with OM. WW has left everything that was once important to her for OM.

Now the amzing thing about time and plan B for me was it gave me the chance to get away from my relationship with my WW and in a way look at things from a distance if that makes any sense.

I know my WW still has feelings for me - saw it in her eyes and through her actions in not addressing the divorce issue.

I know she has not contacted my family or our mutual friends out of guilt and shame -though in her words she did nothing that wrong as the marriage was finished long ago- guilt, denial

I know that she wasn't strong enough to address problems she felt within our marriage and in a word is like a drunk sitting at the bar blaming the world for his problems but never wanting to take responsablity or make possative changes.

Sorry that this was long but 16 months ago I thought I was the only one in the world experiancing this mess and my situatiion was unique.

Funny how over time many of you here have seamingly jumped into my head, my life and plagorized my life in your post.

NOW WHO OUT THERE HAS HAD MY LIFE???? or did I have yours? LOL

goodguy - I too am 16 months into this mess. I didn't find this site until 9 months ago. By that time I had thrown WH out (on D-day).

Plan B has been good for me. I have moved on with my life, and most days are good. My WH and I are still going thru the death throes of our marriage.

So I keep plugging on, hoping to change me. (I already figured out that I can't change him.)

Believer,

I don't like the word "hoping to change me" - lets use the term "improving myself

Changing something refers to it being un desirable or not suitable.

I changed my car = I got a new car because my other one was old.
I changed the paint in the house = The old color was tired.

Lets use positive re-enforcment not neutrial or negative.

That is great that you are doing well. It gives me hope because I am beginning my journey and it hurts more than I can describe. Getting ready to separate although my pastor says I should not because it will make it harder to get back. My wife is struggling with being free and is seeing someone else. I can not believe she is willing to throw everthing away. 2 kids and 14 years. She and her boyfreind and drinking buddy girlfriend are the only ones that think she has to do what she has to do.I never thought someone that is your best friend could be so cruel. But she says that she loves me but not in love. I feel your pain but not where you are in your journey. Hang in there. There is someone out there who will honor and cherish you...Take care

Yes, yes. My world looks exactly like this, give or take a couple of things (I don't think my wife loves me - even a bit).

Everything you describe is right on. It will be one year moving out for me on July 24th. Of course, it was 9-10 months before that that we separated.

Now I look back thinking it is all in her court. She has recently finally said she wants a divorce, so I am waiting. But, I am so much stronger than I was. The way you describe your wife and her actions, and her ignoring your family and friends out of shame is EXACTLY right.

Thanks for your comments. I found them very insightful.

Shaken

Hi goodguy,

I am not yet at the one year marker but I am slowly closing in on a year since I found out.That it's all gone on this long is disgusting.That is why I am filing for a D.I think I am the only one here that is a BS that is filing. Maybe I'm wrong?

My WH knows how much I wanted this marriage and how I was willing to try and make it the best it could ever be,for us,our children and our families and the world.I mean,if we can stop the legacy of D one family at a time,I was willing to do it 100% and then some.But I am also a woman that was NOT willing to be abused and used anymore.I could have waited another 6,8,10 months for my WH to realize what he is losing but right now I think he already knows and is wondering what to do.I am not waiting anymore for HIM to decide.It's MY life.

It's odd though.My WH had only been seeing the homewrecker once a month or so on the weekends.That is the only time he had free.Now he talks about being with his family for those weekends more as if she doesn't matter as much.I dont' know.If she really mattered,he would be moving much faster with the D process and spending more time with her.But,as MM/MW do,they use the OP to fill voids in their lives and that is what he has done with the HW.The HW can't possibly fill in what we have as a married couple,a family and our home life.But,maybe he is willing to risk it all in the hopes that it will work or he is questioning things now.But,it might be too late.We shall see.

What's great is I can see myself in either scenario and I actually like being on my own.I CAN do this.I am ready thanks to all the help and support on MB,my families and friends and God's guidance.

O

Yesterday was one year anniversary of DD..I thought I would have a hard time getting through it but amazingly I did ok...we found out on my son's Anniversary of the A...son called yesterday to ask me to babysit my granddaughters while he and his wife went to brunch to celebrate their anniversary...I suspect this was also to help me take my mind off the day...when they returned from brunch son spent time with me while the girls were having fun in the pool.. although we kept conversation light I felt he too was recalling the day in his mind...he had a very active role that day one year ago...anger on discovering his father was not the man he admired and respected during his lifetime...he and his father were so close... anger that his father had so callously let us all down...I still see the pain in his eyes...my son is a wonderful father and son...he just can't understand why his father continues to live the way he does...I have told him his dad is in the throes of a mid life crisis and as much as we would like to shake some sense into WS that this mid life journey is one his dad has to take alone...

yesterday decided to go for a walk with a few friends after son left...I decide to stop at a store first...after I park I see the car I used to drive BMW convertible parked in the lot...I suspect WS is in grocery store so to avoid him I decide to head into a used clothing thrift store..the car I once kept immaculate is filthy and looking abused...I start to walk into the shop where much to my amazement WS is in there...I am so shocked...here is a man who had everything in life..one who would not darken the door of such an establishment...and to be quite frank could buy whatever his heart desired previous to this...I of course when I saw him just turned around and walked out the door...when he saw me he looked haunted and very sad...I have been told by close friends that he is very unhappy.. I thought how ironic that here is a man driving a vehicle that once showed his status in life now resorting to spending his afternoon browsing in a thrift shop with OW..the day was very hot but yet he keeps the top up in the car so as to keep OW hidden from view..I wonder to myself how he feels about his pathetic life now and was it all worth it...after picking up my friend we discuss the irony of it all..I state I suspect I am having more fun than he is..I can walk anywhere with my head held high while he had to spend a beautiful afternooon with OW in a thrift shop..then he returns to his cave...a one room makeshift office room he has converted to his living quarters...he spends 90% of his time hiding out there...so sad to see what his life has become...my sig line says it all about the life WS is leading now...I do hope someday he does wake up from his MLC and realize how lost he truly is before he loses everything he once loved in life...

<small>[ July 05, 2004, 06:29 AM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

OK, I&#8217;m in. WW&#8217;s A began 11/29/02. D-day was 2/16/03, WW moved out a few weeks later. I did a good PlanA until last August when I went to a solid PlanB. WW and OM have been having a LDR (500miles) and see each other every other weekend or so, and have taken a few weeklong vacations to the Caribbean. Although OM is still married, and has never mentioned Dv to his W, he has asked WW to come and live with him. 2/20/04 WW filed for Dv, our first court hearing will be 7/15/04.
Do I still love my WW? Absolutely, but I am beginning to feel it would be very difficult to have a recovery. Does she still love me? As the father of her DDs (18 and 21 and living with me) I am sure she does. But she seems to be completely infatuated with OM and I don&#8217;t see her ending the A in the near future.
So I am working on accepting the end of my M and getting on with my life. It hurts and it is not what I wanted. At this point I just don&#8217;t see many options. I loved my old life, but except for missing my lover and best friend, I love the life I have now. I have my DDs, my health, my friends. I look toward the future. I will survive.
But, oh, how I wish she were here.
23down

July 3 was my 1 year d-day anniversary. It also marked my 19 year military anniversary. I've read many stories similar to mine, but one thing stands out about mine, my WW has never said she loves me since d-day. I don't know if its that she really doesn't love me or that she is just too stubburn to admit it. Well, I guess it doesn't matter anyway, my DV will be final on 16 July which is exactly one year from the day she walked out the door. My life has been a series of ups and downs. I've been off meds for about 4 months now and somedays I think I should still be on them. The closer to DV day gets, the angrier I get toward WW. I know I need to move on, but I still feel hurt, am angry, vengeful, and feel a host of other feelings. I've improved a lot of things in my life, but then I started going backwards again. I lost so much weight and have put almost all of it back on. I was really very neat for the first 8 months, did the laundry, cooked every night, ran 3 to 4 days a week, and was basically in very good mental and physical shape. The last 3 to 4 months have been rough on me. I keep saying that once its over, I'll get back into doing the things I need to do. I sure hope it will be that way. Anyway, my life has been close to the same as all the others here. Yes, I too thought my experience was unique, but reading here for the last year has proven me wrong. Affairs are not unique, they are a lot more common than I ever thought. I hope others will find this site before they or their spouse decide to have an affair. It will definatly save them some grief. Thanks to all of you that have supported me through this and good luck with your futures....

I am 14 months past DDay, when FWH moved out.

14 months only... I am suprised at the count. Although he hasn't moved home, FWH doesn't want a divorce. He wants the marriage back. But, I must admit, I am too afraid. Afraid that he'll lie and cheat again; I am too afraid to be hurt this much.

At the same time, I have got a better job, so I am able to manage better financially. We don't have any children, so I don't feel obligated to stay. I don't know if I should remain married to him. We've known each other for 10 years before we got married and he started cheating the second year in our marriage. There were two affairs.

I am just too afraid, even though FWH assures me it will not happen again.