The following is a letter I e-mailed our MC. I have edited out names etc.
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There are things that have happened between W and I that I believe must come out and be dealt with for us to come to any reconciliation or resolution in our marriage. I am afraid that W won’t want to discuss them and I may have too much fear to bring the subject up in front of her.

Before I came home from Alcohol recovery home, W told me that, due to some medication she was on, she had lost all of her interest in sex. I did my best to accept this. We did have sex, occasionally when I came home from Alcohol recovery home and it was always good. She still maintained that she really had no interest.

Last summer W started chatting on the Internet with people she met in chat groups. The first group was Udate.com. On her birthday (July 14) she bought herself a membership to the group. She very quickly met a man named OM there who she started chatting with extensively. She would stay up till early in the morning chatting privately with him on Yahoo Messenger while I was in bed. When I asked about this she said they were just friends, said she just enjoyed chatting with different people and it meant nothing.

The night of July 21 I came into the office after W had gone up to bed. I had some work to do on the computer and found she hadn’t logged off of Yahoo Messenger where she was talking with OM. On the screen was a log of their conversation. They were having cyber-sex. I printed this out and confronted W with it immediately. She got angry. Said it was all just fantasy. Then she turned it around and made it about me invading her privacy. I ended up apologizing.

The next day after work she asked for the separation. She spent the rest of the week packing, moving and chatting with OM. I started reading her log of conversation when I could and reading her e-mails as well. I also found a piece of paper in her purse with info on train, bus and plane schedules for the weekend of August 2nd.The schedules were to Toronto. OM lives in Richmond Hill. They were making plans to meet and spend the weekend together. At the time I didn’t tell W I knew about this. On Sunday July 27th W came back to the house from moving more of her stuff. She said she had arranged to chat with OM at 9:00 AM. That is why she came back when she did. That was when I asked her to leave me the keys to the house. She gave them to me and left without chatting with OM. She didn’t come back. I didn’t hear from her for over a week.

I did finally confront her about OM. I admitted to reading her messages and I told her what I knew at the time. She again got angry. She told me she arrived in Toronto, saw him and he wasn’t what she expected so she walked right past him and never even spoke to him. She got angry with me again and made me feel like I had no right to ask.

We did talk about OM at a later date. This time she said she did spend time with him. Had a couple of meals with him and talked about his marriage. She said they did not sleep together and that OM and his wife are now back together. W has a poster hanging in her apartment that OM gave her. She said it is valued at about $4,000. I later found an e-mail from him on W’s account. In it he thanked her for a wonderful weekend and said he would try to make it happen again. She said she didn’t know anything about that message and had never even read it.

During the following weeks and months she told me about other men she had met on another chat group. Two of them were named OM and they were local. She told me about going to their homes for dinners or meeting them for drinks. She always said she wasn’t interested in them physically or romantically. I did see a message she sent one of them, though. In it she asked him if they could get together and “do what comes naturally.” Those are her words and to me they sound like an invitation for sex. She doesn’t know I know about that message. At least I never told her.

More recently she told me about someone she met on a group called Senior Friend Finder. His name is OM and I believe he lives in Pennsylvania. In March she took a weeks vacation from work. She told me she was going down to the States with some girlfriends and she planned to meet some of the people she had met on SFF. I suspect OM was one of them. She even had me print a picture of him that he had e-mailed to her.

I don’t know, for a fact, if she has had sex with anyone since she left me. W swore to me once that she had never been unfaithful to me. It does seem clear to me though that even if she hasn’t slept with another man she wanted to. That hurts as much as if she did it, maybe more.

That brings us up to the present. When I talked to W about booking our next appointment with you she told me not to make it for the week before Father’s Day. She said she had a lot of meetings that week. She is on the executive of her union at work and they are in contract negotiations. She also told me that she had to work the weekend of the 12th and the 19th. Normally she doesn’t work two weekends in a row. I believed her, of course and booked our appointment with you for the 23rd. She told me that I wouldn’t hear too much from her that week because she was so busy.

Our son and I both tried to call her at different times during that week. We could never get through. I had to go past the place where she works last Wednesday and I noticed her car wasn’t there at a time when she should have been working. I didn’t think much of it at the time. Sometimes her union meetings take her away from the place where she actually works. From the morning of Saturday 21st until last night we didn’t hear a word from her. Last night she came on line and I chatted with her for a while. I was upset. Angry at her being out of touch, worried and scared for her safety. I asked if she had been away. She said yes and I asked if she had been to the States. Again she said yes. When I asked where she went she wouldn’t give me an answer. When I asked why she didn’t tell me she was going she said the trip wasn’t definite so she hadn’t said anything. When she went away before, the trips weren’t definite until the last minute but she still told me about them. She said there was nothing to tell and kept putting me off. I finally had to leave to go to work.

Another thing W doesn’t seem to realize is that we live in a small town and I do have friends that have some loyalty to me. I have heard about her being seen with other men and I have heard she has talked about having had sex with at least one of them.

I still love W. I still want to repair our marriage and grow old with her. If she has had an affair or more than one I can forgive that and move on with her if I can just believe that it is over and won’t happen again. What’s happened since we have been apart can be dealt with and forgiven, but not if she won’t talk about it.

When she first started meeting and chatting with these other men she used to say “I’ve found my addiction.” almost with pride. I am afraid that maybe that is what it is for her. I am afraid that she is going to get hurt.

I do want our marriage back. But I am tired of taking all the blame for the problems in our marriage and feeling like I am being punished for things she said she has forgiven me for. Now I feel like I am being lied to as well and that is where I have to draw a line. We can’t fix anything if we aren’t honest with each other. I know the truth may be painful for me, but I would rather deal with it. I have been through every terrible thought there is about W being with another man. Through it all I have never stopped loving her. I have never questioned my feelings for W. She is the light of my life and I still want to be her husband. Maybe she feels I wouldn’t be able to forgive her if I knew. I think I already have forgiven her. I just want it to be over, so we can start fresh.
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I'm sorry for the length of this but I thought it the best and simplest way to explain my situation.

What I need help with is this. I feel myself waffling a little and I need your opinions.
Please tell me. Did my W have an affair or more than one?
Whether she did or not I feel like I have been betrayed and she has been unfairhful. I need to talk to her about my feelings so we can deal with it. How do I tell her what I am feeling? I feel like I need a script to follow.
Can someone please help me with this?

Again, I apologize for the length of this message.

Thanks,
David

<small>[ July 04, 2004, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: dreid ]</small>

dried,

How well I know this story (unfortunately). Make no mistake, the term "addiction" is well applied in many cases regarding the "chat phenomenon". I've been fighting this curse (with WW) for 5 years. I've got a library shelf filled with books purporting to explain the allure. Unfortunately, while "clinically" versed in this "phenomenon", having never suffered the "addiction" I have no real understanding of it. One of the best sources I've found for explanation is "Caught in the Net" by Dr. Kemberly S. Young. In it you'll also find some strategies re. recovery for this "addiction".

If I may, a word re. counseling for this addiction. At least in my experience (mandatory caveat), few counselors are versed (let alone well versed) in this phenomenon. It is very disheartening to loan your books to a counselor who purports to be helping someone, so that they understand exactly what the "problem" is…like an AA counselor who's never heard of Alcohol. Is it any wonder that the failure rate for this counseling is so poor. Like any other addiction, the root cause must be found and addressed. Love, caring, and support are mandatory ingredients before one can "take the cure"

In answer to your question, "did wife have an affair"…YES, at least an emotional affair (EA - they even have an acronym for it). Do these sometimes lead to physical affair (PA - another acronym)…sometimes. Because this nebulas "internet" is not real (nor are the people in chat really REAL), most real life (RL) meetings (if they ever occur), are disappointments and contact, if made, is brief. However, make no mistake, while one is involved in an EA via the internet, it is JUST as harmful to the addicts familial relationships as one conducted in the real world (as you've seen).

An interesting insight might prove helpful. When you (the chat addict) see people only through the word on your computer screen, you are free to conjure up your own image of who and what they really are. The sound of his voice, the gaze of his eyes, the way he might touch your hand - you supply those details in your own mind. You give him automatic passing grades at all those initial checkpoints you normally would cross in person - it's not real, but they (the chat addict) don't get it. The "fog" that they develop. The lose of "reality" and clear vision they normally posses just goes away! Trust me…I don't get it either!

"How do I tell her what I'm feeling"…be open and honest. As with any addiction, they will be in denial at first. Be strong, be positive, be loving…

David

If your gut tells you something is wrong, than trust your gut feelings.

Purchase a copy of Surviving an Affair at your local bookstore, or here on this site, and read it immediately.

If your wife is having one or more affairs, and whether they are emotional or physical, or both, this book will give you the plan to save your marriage.

If she is not having any affairs, at best, her chatting is inappropriate in a marriage, and the book will cover that topic.

Do not confront her with any more accusations, even if you have proof of wrongdoing, until you read the book. There is a "correct" way of confronting someone having an affair, which will save you much time and energy in the long run. The book goes on to describe that your "natural" reactions to discovering an affair can be VERY detrimental to overcoming the affair.

Posting here will give you a place to ask questions, rant, or share your success. There are many kind, and wise people here who have walked in your shoes.

Good luck!

SD

David,

You might also want to read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough".

Don't believe anything your wife tells you. You can't trust her. At all. Her taking offense at your snooping is typical. You have a right as her husband. She should not expect you to give her privacy.

I think you are being too doormatty. Do some of that reading. It will make you feel enlightened.

GC

Another book suggestion. Michele Wiener-Davis has a book called "The Divorce Remedy", and there's a large discussion of Internet infidelity.

David, I really feel your pain. I have a similar story. It seems so surreal, so insane. People who are grasping onto a fantasy, actually prefer the fantasy to real life, begin to believe the fantasy is Real Life.

I hope maybe your counselor can actually effect it somehow. I have been deeply dissappointed in my own experience. I have always been afraid of counseling because I was afraid I'd get a "divorce" counselor. I was referred to our MC by my pastor, our MC actually sits on the board of our cathedral church. She supposedly is pro-marriage. We only met three times, but she never once gave my WW any encouragement to stay in the marriage. Never explained how her "A" was affecting her, or how her perceptions could be tainted because of it.

Good luck to you David.

It's Sunday night, about 10:00 PM. I have to leave for work in about half an hour. I'm sitting here in front of my computer and I can see W is online with both MSN and Yahoo Messenger. I have had no contact from her since Tuesday when we chatted on MSN for a few minutes.
Something just occurred to me as I was typing this. Am I feeding her chatting "addiction" by letting her communicate with me that way? Or should I just be happy for whatever contact she is willing to give me?
So confused. Who is she chatting with right now? Is she just waiting for me to say "Hi"?
What do I do?

It's Tuesday morning. Not even 6:30 AM yet and here I am up after less than 2 hours sleep. I woke up worried that W might be making plans to move to the States.
She took a trip in March. Ended up in North Carolina. Came back raving about how nice people are there. Could see herself living there. I even offered to move there with her if she wanted. Than I remembered her filling out a passport application later. She was unreachable for about a week last month and I know she spent part of that time in the States. She said it was research for work. One of the men she met on internet chat group is from Pennsylvania. She recently found out she is about to inherit some money from an aunt that passed away.
I'm afraid right now. What if I am right? If she moves down there how can we ever rebuild our marriage?
If I panic now and say something I could just push her farther and faster.
Its been almost a year since she moved out.
What do I do?

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 05:28 AM: Message edited by: dreid ]</small>