If you don't know what I mean by the words, "wig out," I'll bet you know when I describe it. It's when you get those triggers, a song, a thought, a (anything) and it sets you off and all you need are reassurances from your spouse that they love you... but they really can't help you there a whole lot, because they can't express it to well. Or you need to hear, "everything's going to be ok," but they can't really tell you that because they don't really know if it will be ok. Or, you need to hear anything that will bring some stability in your whacked out mind. But, the spouse cannot really bring you any peace, stability, or reassurances. You're stuck! With your mental images, with your horrible thoughts, with your whacked out mind.... all of it.

There's this hole inside of you that showed up on DDAY and hasn't been filled since. All you want is to fill the hole again and move on with life and make a better one for you and your spouse. With the new you and the new them. But, the stinkin' feelings just keep getting in the way. I bet my wife thinks I'm a head case. She got that look on her face and said, "you're wigging out!" And I agreed, I am! But, then I said to her, you're right, but did I ever do this before? She said no. I have these brand new fears, brand new insecurities, brand new feelings... none of which I ever struggled with before. I was confident, secure, strong.... now I'm not any of those things. I miss feeling like a man. I miss the feeling a lying down and night and knowing all was well. I miss knowing that I could trust my wife implicitly. I miss being carefree when it came to my relationship with her.

I'm a mess.

All I can say is your not alone. Yes we all wig out. I wig out every day anymore.

HINY

Ditto

Life sucks right now!

R W Scissors,

I know its a small consolation, but YES many of us are in a similar place, even as we speak.
Some days its better and other days its a lot worse.
I totally hear you ................& UNDERSTAND.

Don't feel bad for thinking like a "head case". Cause lets be honest, at times you most likely ARE a head case. But your only feeling crazy because of what has happened to you.
Your mind and emotions are going to take some time to first deal with & then begin to recover from this Trauma. (Because that's what this is).
Depending on what your W is doing, to a great extent will determine how long you'll be dealing with this "shock" to your system and your life.

The only reassurance I can give to you is IF the 2 of you ARE working on your relationship (really,.... not just lip service).......then the days do get better.
It does get easier (never easy though) to handle and deal with.
Unfortunately, I can't give you a definite time table as each person is different.

Good news is that it appears you BOTH are there and still trying.
That's more then some have tonight.
I know....small comfort.

In any case....Take care

(Oh yea, did you know that your "handle" isn't a safe thing to do?)
Stop That Before someone gets hurt!
Later

Does your "wigged out" also include lovebusters? The angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, selfish desires, thoughtless decisions?

If so, stop lovebusters. They don't help, they only add to the anguish.

Discussion, tough discussion, respectful discussion, honest discussion...that's communication.

And sometimes it feels like a tightrope walk.

Becoming a BS so often is loss of dreams, of the way it was of even who you though you were and who she was. As you speak to eloquently.

No matter if you get to marital recovery, you can always work on your personal recovery. Not tying your worth and being to what your spouse has done, but knowing within yourself that you recognize your role--whatever it was--in where your are, but are now doing the best you can...and you didn't ever deserve this.

Another tightrope walk.

But, it sounds like your & your wife are still living together...and that's a lot more than some of us had to work with.

I'd still suggest seeking counseling with a pro-marriage counselor. Phone counseling is offered through this site. If not marital, go for individual, because being betrayed is painful, and if you are wigging out, you need to talk to somebody.

I'm 4 years in recovery, before that, 7 separations, my H's 18 mo PA with a co-worker and 2+ very bad years.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She got that look on her face and said, "you're wigging out!" And I agreed, I am! But, then I said to her, you're right, but did I ever do this before? She said no. I have these brand new fears, brand new insecurities, brand new feelings... none of which I ever struggled with before. I was confident, secure, strong.... now I'm not any of those things. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And that also applies to your wife. She never did this before either. So how can she tell you it will be ok? How would she know?

I'm so tired of no response. I don't know how many hoops I'm going to have to jump through to prove myself of not being a LB. You know what's funny: There was a lot of LB on her side too. But that doesn't seem to matter now. It's like I'm the only one that has to change. How is that right?

I love my w dearly. She's the only one I've ever been with and the only one I ever want to be with. I'm nuts about her, and she used to be for me. But that's all changed now. I've told her that for her things changed over time and her feelings changed over time, but for me it changed overnight. I was completely unaware that all this junk had transpired between us. She never would talk to me. I would even ask her to and she wouldn't. She still won't. This lack of complete honesty throughout our M is killing us and me. I've never had a problem opening up and talking and being gut level, honest. She mother-hens me, she doesn't want to add to my pressures, doesn't want to bother me, doesn't want to burden me........ And in the meantime our M hit the rocks. There was an iceberg in the ocean > she saw it > I didn't. But she never told me it was there!!!!

She still to this very moment is holding back from me. She won't be very intimate with me (talking, not sex). For me this seems so easy. Schedule a baby sitter, sit down on the couch and hold my hand and just open up and love me and share with me. That's like falling off a log to me. But to her it's like pulling teeth.

I tell her how I feel about me wanting this, but she just says, "I'm sorry," "I just can't do that right now." She did it when we dated, she did that after we first were married. But somehow time and pressure and life crowded all that out. I can still do it, but she can't.