For those of you who don't know ,my husband went off a year ago looking for greener pastures.

For years now he hasn't had a driving license, and his biggest need, his overwhelming desire, his burning obsession is to drive, have a car of his own etc.

I think it is a control thing.He has been telling me for years that he hates being driven around, having to rely on others for rides.

I have willingly been his chauffeur for most of our marriage, no problem, but he resents not having is license, the freedom to drive, go where he wants. It has made things hard work wise also.

When he went off to the big city he got a job, and for the past few months he has been using the ow for rides. She has a nice new truck! Green! A Ford!

The deal was that she is lonely for SF and wanted him to supply that need. He told me months ago that he was obliging her mainly because he needs rides here and there, but that he really wasn't attracted to her, that he thinks of her as a friend, and that sleeping with her was like masturbating. But he needed rides , a place to live etc.

Once he has a car she is history.


All these months he has spent every minute of his free time trying to get a car running, and been frustrated at every turn.

Finally , he has got a van, which is parked in the ow's yard. He almost has it running, and today he asked me for a favor to help him get it insured and safetied.

I said yes.

Well, I have just had a text message from him telling me that no matter how hard he tries to be cold and hard hearted, I thaw him out and it scares him and then he plays the idiot..

All this time I thought it was about adultery, but actually it is about him being willing to do anything to get a bloody car, the freedom to drive- even prostitute himself.

I hope it was worth it.

His marriage and family and self respect in exchange for a van worth about $300.

I'm sorry, Shul, but I'm smiling after reading your post.

I've imagined my W wanting to come back, and thought about the conditions - NC, MC, etc. Maybe I should not be so demanding and just plan to be willing to take her back on the condition that she buys me a really great guitar.

WSes are just mental patients, aren't they?

GC

If I can just figure out how to attach a steering wheel to my a***, I'd have him eating out of my hand... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

LOL! Gross, Shul.

Shul, how come he has never had a car or a license?

Oh, he HAD a car!

A new truck that he smashed up when drunk, another car that he smashed up when drunk, another car that he smashed up when drunk, a van that he smashed up when drunk..then a nice truck that he smashed up when drunk... then my car that he got caught driving, then a car that he lent to a friend who smashed it up when drunk ( boy was he MAD- the nerve of some people..etc)

He has been suspended so many times, paid so many fines,done jail time, you name it.

But its not HIS fault, its the cops, the insurance, the neighbours, me...actually I think its your fault- yeah ... thats it...but its not HIS fault, you see...

One thing that strikes me as ironic- the OW won't let him drive HER truck, oh no, that would never do...I was the b***h that wouldn't let him drive MY car, the one I paid for...that I am LEGAL to drive.

In fairness I have to say that he has quit drinking.

Let us pray that he has learned his lesson.

He is being a lawful boy now.

And this truly is an obsession with him. He feels frustrated and trapped not having the freedom the drive, go where he wants when he wants.

Its not about driving, really , its about feeling he has no control over his life. and I understand where it came from. He was a foster child, shipped from home to home dozens of times when he was very young, with no say in the matter. It really messed him up.

Needs can be very powerful things. They can consume us, yes?

Well, an update.

This morning he called to ask me for a phone number of the mechanic.

It seems he has got his van now. I guess he went to the OW's (yesterday?) finished working on it and got it out of there .

I have a sneaking suspicion that he has got her to insure it for him. (I wonder what he had to do ...nevermind)

He tells me he will be out here sometime tonight.

He has got what he wanted now. His symbolic 'freedom'. He caused alot of hurt for this.

He told me many times that we are his reason for living, for working...
but now he has what he wanted, he can drive to work ,earn money, but he threw away his family- the ones he was working for, in the process.

I'm still waiting for him to call or show up. It is now Monday night, and he has been there at her place since Friday I think.

I was out a while ago and I thought I saw her truck go by but there are probably lots of trucks like that.


When he moved away from her he said something like 'this will get me away from the city and complications..' I took that to mean that he was glad to get away.

I don't think he feels very good about himself.

I don't know what is the hold up. Maybe the van broke down but I am praying that every minute he is stuck there he will increasingly feel trapped and want to get away from her.

He hates being trapped or controlled.

I know God is doing something. It is really bugging me that I don't know what that is.

But I guess I will find out eventually.

This feels like being part of a movie that God is directing sometimes. Except I don't get to se the script...

okay another woman who's h is obsessed with cars.i had to laugh at your earlier posts. i have the opposite problem. my h has been thru 5 different cars this year alone. he drives them for a while, puts shiny new chrome rims on them, hooks them up with dvd players and sounds,(VERY loud speakers and top of the line radios. once he gets the car as nice as he can possibly make it and all of his loser friends are suitably jealous, he sells the car or truck, usually taking a loss for all the work he puts into it, and immediately starts over with a new one. it wouldn't be so bad if he didn't have to work all the time to keep up with his obsession.so maybe MY thread should have been "when there are multiple other woman and there all cars" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

shul

I am just going to bite the bullet and tell you what I see when I read this post...

it's just such a sad little post...
and it got even sadder on down...

and I am so very concerned about
YOU and your thought processes in recovery with your husband....

and while recovery is a grand goal...
one should always try to step back and see the big picture...

your description..
YOUR description of your husbands and actions and motivation of his affair...is more heartbreaking than an affair toting grandiose love and soulmate crappola...

. He told me months ago that he was obliging her mainly because he needs rides here and there, but that he really wasn't attracted to her, that he thinks of her as a friend, and that sleeping with her was like masturbating. But he needed rides , a place to live etc.

Once he has a car she is history

shul...your husband is not a very nice man...
the ability to use other people...even an OP for such use and gains....scares me...

the disregard of human emotion speaks volumes of his ability INability to cherish anyone be it you or the OP....

the blatant use of a person and their emotions...
be it the OP or yours....

and it scares me that you accept that rationale and explanation....

and then the post gets scarier....

five DUI's you list....
five time he could have killed innocent people...
five times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In fairness I have to say that he has quit drinking.

Let us pray that he has learned his lesson.

what is the lesson...he has learned..
that it is OK to
abandon your family
use other people all in the name of his need for transportation which he has used as a weapon and proven over and over to the fifth power that he cares for no one but himself.......

Oh shul the road back to recovery is hard...
and he needs to travel a very far distant to even begin to prove that he gets it..

I fear he does not get it...
and YOU need to look carefully at any role in this that enables him to think what he has done is OK...or of any honor...

infidelity is horrid...
his flippant use and abandonment is magnified...in actions of gross disrepect to so many...

When he moved away from her he said something like 'this will get me away from the city and complications..' I took that to mean that he was glad to get away.

and yet he is the "x" part of the equation of the complication...

he is the epitomy of where ever he goes...there he is...

he is your complication ...
though only if you choose to be part of his warped equasions...

shul I am pro-marriage..
I am pro-recovery and trying and rooting for the underdog...

I am very concerned about YOU and your acceptance of his choices and behaviors....

Its not about driving, really , its about feeling he has no control over his life. and I understand where it came from. He was a foster child, shipped from home to home dozens of times when he was very young, with no say in the matter. It really messed him up.

sorry shul but lots of people have had horrible horrible things happen in their lives...and they are not victim to their own choices....

it is no ticket to use EVERYONE around him....

I am so concerned for you.......
please tread slowly...
slower than you are
please consider plan B....
even if it's just to try it on for a while.
see how it feels...
see how you do without having to babysit him and get him numbers for a mechanic.....
see how YOU do without saving him again and again for a bit
ARK

Yes, thank you Ark,

You have a way of seeing things from all sides.

I know all too well how messed up he is.

I don't know if I mentioned in in this forum but he has ASP- (Antisocial personality disorder).

I stopped enabling him three years ago. Stopped bailing him out, stopped pleading with him about his actions.

I decided to let him go his way, and not get in his way. The result was that he has experienced painful consequences .

He is his own worst enemy.

He desperatly trying to fix his life, and going about it by using people.

Compared to what some of his friends are doing this is small potatoes in his mind. However, his greatest fears are a) losing his family and b) going to prison (again).

The whole time he is doing these things he is a wreck.

The OW has no moral or legal constraints. she couldn't care less what happens to him, so long as it doesn't affect her.

So she has been aiding and abetting.

I have been sitting on the sidelines watching and waiting.

I was thinking last night that I might tell him not to bother seeing us. That there is no point now. He has got what he wanted ( the van) and now he has his freedom.

Thre is no point in being together while he is involved with someone else. We can't go forward.

I told him awhile ago that he can call me when he is done with the OW.

It has to be clear to him that what ever consequences, such as losing us, are a result of his own actions.

He needs to see that he has thrown us away.

It is important that he not be able to justify this in his mind as me rejecting him, but that rather, he has rejected us, and that he loses by his own choices.


Cognitive- if I do 'A' , then 'B' will happen.

He has to see that his way is not working.

He has always found some way to blame others for his problems.

Now he can't blame me. I am not hindering him in any way, neither am I helping him.

I was surprised that he even asked me for the number. He seemed very uncomfortable calling. I was gracious about it. I had been expecting something along those lines and I had prayed about it beforehand.

He is avoiding me right now because he is still up to no good, and he can't face me. Also he feels very convicted about not having called or seen his daughter- the van came first.

In a sense I am in a subtle plan b, not of my own making, but of Gods and of my husbands.I have severely limited contact with him from my end.

I respond when he calls, but I don't initiate anymore.


In the end this is not about the marriage anymore. It is about his spiritual condition and mental health.

I am doing ok for the most part. Moments of frustration, sadness over all the wasted years.

But I am in a good position to detach, to keep an open line of communication, and to be a friend to him when the time comes, without letting him use me or impact our wellbeing in any way.

For me this is less about recovering the marriage, or stopping the affair than it is about seeing him healed.
The affair is a symptom.

His problems go much deeper.

He is very conscious of the wrongness of what he is doing, and the risk he is taking.

He is hoping to get away with it. (That is Gods department.) But he is getting worried. He is starting to see that he has lost so much by trying to take the easy road. It has been much harder than had he just done things Gods way.

I still have hope for him.

Sometimes when we have gotten what we thought we wanted we find out that it was not worth it.

He has the van, he has a job, he has his freedom...but he has lost his self respect and his reason for living and working in the process.

I have not asked him for money , and I won't accept it. He can pay some of the debts if he so chooses. But so far all the money he has earned, all the work he has done in the past year has been for nothing. He has nothing except his van to show for it.

Ark, I learned these things the hard way , myself. I have been in the position that he is in.

No one stopped me. I had to come to the end of myself.

I am not in a position to condemn him.

But I will tread very slowly from here on in.

I am praying about everything. Somehow God knows what to do with him.