it's been a while since I've been here. I have been feeling pretty good up until now. My spouses affair officially ended last september with a goodbye letter that I received a copy of. Unfortunately I did not have any input into the letter before he sent it, but at least he gave me
a copy. The problem now is that he just informed me that he reads the letter at least every week to remind himself of his committment to our marriage. Unfortunately, the letter also contains at least 6 instances of him confirming his love for her. In my opinion, he is still keeping his love for her alive by re-reading the letter. I feel he is also re-living the emotional turmoil of writing her the letter last september, every time he reads it. Do I have the right to ask him to never read that letter again? Having found this out, my confidence in the redemption of our love is waning. I feel like I am competing with his lover all over again even though he has insisted that he will never leave me. I can't live with her in my head and his head and his heart etc, etc, Help please

The NC letter is absolutely necessary. HOWEVER, it should be written and approved by the BS. It should say - Dear OW - I love my wife and we are going to work on our marriage. Do not contact me for any reason.

Your WH has not written the right letter. Ask him to do it. If he refuses, you will know where you stand.

thanks, believer, for the advice. I guess I should elaborate. Although I was not present for the compiling of the letter, it did say what it was supposed to (along with tidbits like "although we know it would have worked well between us, it just can't be"). He told her there would be no contact ever again, and to not contact him for any reason. He said that he was going to spend the rest of his life working on his marriage and trying to make up for the pain he has caused me. His actions up until now are very commendable. He tells me he loves me every day, he holds my hand, he buys me flowers etc., and we try to spend at least 15 hours of undivided attention together every week. He has no problem with that. The problem is that I believe his re-reading the NC letter is retarding his progress in the "emotional" growth in our marriage. (I might add that he did all those wonderfully attentive things while he was in the throes of the affair as well). The OW tried to contact him via e-mail a couple weeks ago. He did not respond to the e-mails. (I thought that after 9 months since the NC letter, we were heading in the right direction) You see, he had a serious health incident (heart) recently and she found out about it through his sister (best friends). She said she wanted to find out how he was. I think she is testing him. Getting no response to his e-mails, she decided to call him on his cell. When she asked him how he was, he said "fine, but you are not to be calling me. Don't do it again. Good-bye" I was very proud of him. I think the phone call bothered me more than it bothered him. I asked him if hearing her voice bothered him. He said no, but it did make his heart flutter. When I asked him why, he said that he will always want to be with her more than me(soulmates), but he promised to maintain his vows to God and me, and that is exactly what he is going to do. "ouch!" He is willing to sacrifice his "everlasting emotional happiness" to honor those vows. ( how valiant, huh?) So, while making "deposits" with all the little things, I feel major "withdrawls" with comments like that. Whew! Any thoughts?

Okay, he is committed to the marriage for whatever reason - that is enough for starters. He still has his fantasy, but that will change, and he won't believe how he acted when he comes out of the fog.

Please check out Ark's "thread-jacking herself" thread. She give excellent advice on how to behave to give your marriage the best chance.

Stick with us, we'll get you through this.

Hi again,
couldn't find Ark's thread you suggested. But I do have the website and the book HNHN so I'm sure I can, with your help as well, get through this with my sanity still in tact. I do have a question though and would like any one elses input as well as to whether this is common or not. As the BS, I feel almost obsessed with the OW, eg. what does she look like, what kind of personality does she have etc. I also desperately want to know if she is getting on with her life successfully. I feel like I would love for her to be doing great, just to rub it in my H's face. I also have this tremendous desire to write her my own letter, although it would not be as nice as his was. Am I crazy?

Revelation,
Counselors often advise clients to write letters to the OP. Tell them what you think of them. Tell them they aren't going to get the happy life with your spouse, etc.

Now having said that. They rarely advise that you actually send the letter to the OP. Harley definitely says not to. He says NC means NC. Nc goes for all parties.

The letter mentioned above is usually an excercise to help you deal with your feelings. For that matter you can write one to your spouse as well. I wrote letters to both. I said some vert hurtful things. Never gave to W or sent to OM. Made me feel better just like it feels better to come to MB and vent. Right?

cwmac

revelation - I bumped ARK's post up to the top. Please read it.

Revelation,

One more comment that I missed earlier.

Let me preface by saying DDay2 was last September. Recovery has been OK since early Spring.

If my W said this to me after I thought recovery was going well...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he said that he will always want to be with her more than me(soulmates), but he promised to maintain his vows to God and me, and that is exactly what he is going to do. "ouch!" He is willing to sacrifice his "everlasting emotional happiness" to honor those vows. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd run for the door. OK that's me. I don't know your situation and don't pretend to be you.

Actually I suspect that my W does in fact feel this way but is too big of a coward to tell me so.

BTW, you're H is such the white knight. NOT!

cwmac

thanks cwmac. Makes me feel a little better. Believe me, I have felt like running for the door many times, but, I believe there is hope for this M eventually, as long as I can survive my own periods of insanity. After reading ARK'S post earlier, I realized I am smothering my H with too much affection too soon. Plan A is still in effect, and I just have to give it some time to work. Although he has had virtually NC for months (taking into consideration her attempt recently), I feel he is still keeping her "alive" by reading his Goodbye letter regularly, and I guess I just have to wait for him to get bored with that. Anyway, the encouragement is certainly welcome and appreciated. Thanks again