This is my story:

My W and I have known each other for 24 years (9th grade). We started a R 20 years ago in college. After 6 years, she briefly left me for a OM (first indication of my future with her) 9 months later, we’re married. She starts med school; I start work at a University. 3 years into our M, she has a 2-year, sex-driven A with a classmate. It ends when he graduates. She contemplates D, but never tells me, even when we go to MC.

7 years into the M we have S#1 3 years later, S #2. Six months after the baby, W meets OM on plane while away at medical conference. Hit it off and are in bed the next night. He happens to have a Job (Homeland Security) that brings him to our city every month. They have an A for 10 months. W finally says she wants D. I don’t know about either A yet so I practice (without knowing) MB methods. Last August, I stumble on A #2 I confront, she ended it. Two weeks later, I find confirmation of A #1. Devastated, we drag through a false recovery. January 2004, she succumbs to withdrawal and starts A again.

My W re-entered the fog. This dude had the gall to call me at my job to tell me to “move on” The strain of it all, combined with my clinical depression pushed me into suicidal thoughts (I was hospitalized for 2 weeks in April). While in the hospital, the entire A was revealed to family and friends. Everyone confronted my W. She responded by leaving town to visit the OM. By the time I was released, my W had retained an attorney and has since filed for a D.

She has “fired” all of our mutual friends, asked for EVERYTHING in the settlement and centers her world around a man who:

• Lives 1000 miles away
• Has other women
• Lost his wife of 13 years to an A (and is still angry)

Question:

I’ve given so much and she seems to be an insatiable, empty hole. I want an intact, happy home for all of us but W just doesn’t seem to do “the domestic thing well”. Is it this the fog talking? Am I a fool for trying?

Well current OM may not be the biggest issue...her history of repeated affairs is.

She is a serial cheater and that carries a whole new set of challenges and issues.

Given that we know two out of the three affairs had her either leaving you and seeking a divorce or considering an divorce in the other affair.

This points to serious issues within your marriage and within her in terms of her ability to stay in a committed relationship with you.

I agree. Repeat offenders are a whole 'nother animal. I too, missed the writing on the wall. My WH, then boyfriend, cheated on me twice before we were married. I have no idea why I thought it would be different in marriage vs. dating. I guess that goes to show you that I held much more stock in the good ole marriage vows than he did.

I agree with the others. Serial cheaters are a whole different breed of cat than the one-time cheaters that MB is designed to help. MB is designed to help those who cheated because of unmet needs at home. Cheating, to them, is an aberration of character.

Often these are people who wouldn't normally dream of having an affair, but because of the poor condition of the marriage, were especially vulnerable when the opportunity for an affair presented itself. This person usually experiences enormous guilt and grief, but can be successfully brought back into the marriage.

The serial cheater, on the other hand, does not cheat because of unmet needs, but because it is a way of life. It is perfectly in keeping with their character. Marriage Builders is not designed to help this person because the adultery is a character issue, versus a marital problem.

I think the key with the serial cheater is really one of acceptance with the BS. The BS can't possibly change such a WS, so the only answer is acceptance of who they ARE. From that acceptance, the BS can make an informed decision to live in an open marriage or to move on.

NOW, that is not to say the serial cheater WS can't change. They can! But often they have no motivation to change because they are content with their way of life.

Those are just my unprofessional observations.

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What you want and what she want seem to be radically different. You may know less than 50% of the truth about her As.

I don't think it is "the fog" talking. "The fog" is self-deceiving rationalizations and contradictions used by a WS to justify having an A and misleading the BS. It sounds like there is no self-deception.

This is going to be painful, but you may need to let her go and move on with your life. Go see a lawyer and get every dime you can. Get custody of the kids, child support and alimony.

True. But each time she strayed she returned. Our MC noticed this pattern and feels that her relative lack of maturity and experience lead to "grass is greener syndrome".

She is not a fan of marriage, but beieves in lifelong love--if it's true. Starting a business, while gettting a D, firing ALL of your friends you don't agree with your A, and belieiving that this will "have no effect on our boys" IS FOG TALK. No doubt she says she will have total peace when she's D'd and OM is "perfect in every way". If that's not the fog, i don't know what is.

I'm fighting fo my family. i understand that I made a commitment to someone who dosen't understand the concept, but I choose to do the hard things for my family, because they are the right thing for us all. She's not worth it now, but our family always is. I may be w/o her soon, but my boys will know what commitment, forgiveness, and yes love really look like.

I stay prayed, even when dismayed.

"I stay prayed, even when dismayed"

saw this and thought this was great, not feeling real great right now, i probably haven't done any real work for 3 weeks and now don't even feel like staying awake.

anyway, we just have to do what we can for as long as we can, i know i need to follow my own advice but sometimes things just seem so "sick."

prayers to you

double post

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

It can get sick, but it's good to look at it that way. Your S has a sickness, an addiction that keeps reason at bay...

i also meant to put that i liked this also "Working on stopping D and restoring M...hanging on tight and taking all the help & prayers I can get!" i covet prayers right now, i feel pretty needy. but i do pray for others here daily and specifically when asked.

my H basically said today that he wasn't going to do anything until i was ready, which would include a D. now i'm not taking that and running with it because i realise that he could change his mind, especially if the OW pressures him. or maybe he just realizes it's going to take a lot more time to save up the money. i also realize that he has no idea of just how long it will take before i'm ready. i can almost say i will never be ready but i know my H, the OW, and i are all on different time frames. this comes back to "who will crack first?" i can almost guarantee that he hopes that w/his continued behavior that i will finally see the light and file for D. but he and i really do see 2 different lights. I hope and continue to pray that my H will see the same light that i do and that is God.

we just have to keep doing what we can, continued prayers to you, RR

You take action, RR. Even the smallest one gives you your power back. Don't let him control the pace of this; leave that to you and GOD.

I'm praying for you sister!

right now i'm leaving it more up to God, because i took too many things in my hands in the past and that was wrong. i realize that i can't even control the pace but i can certainly not help it along. again, that's where God comes in.

God is good, all the time!

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