H has made plans to go with a male co-worker out of state next weekend. I am very uncomfortable with that, even though H hasn't given me any reason to have doubts about him for a long time. I don't want him to miss out on things his whole life because of one (BIG) mistake he made, yet I am really scared to open up an opportunity for infidelity.<P>It is not possible for me to go with due to money. One concern I have is the co-worker is a single man with no commitment to anyone. Other than that, I really don't know him. H started to tell me that he wouldn't be alone, he'd be with co-worker, then realized he wasn't alone when he had his affair. (a friend who used to live with us also spent the night at OW house with H)<P>I know I can't spend my whole life never trusting H if I want this to work, but I am so scared to allow the opportunity. His affair happened when I was out of town with my mom, so leaving town without each other is a real tough spot for me to get over.<P>Who's given their H/W back trust and how did you do it/ deal with it?<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

Shoni<BR>The first time is tough! You can do it though.<BR>what I did when my H went on his fishing trip in May was to plan special things for me.<BR>I looked at it with the perspective that I had time to do nice quiet things for me. Baths, books all that stuff. AND you get the remote control!!!!<BR>Make your own perspective. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to trust completely. Just don't think about him - think about you!

Hi Shoni -<P>Gosh, it's all so complicated and tiring that we have to have all these questions and concerns about every little darn thing!!! Talk about repercussions.....<P>Infidelity sure has a lot of them, doesn't it?<P>Of course you are apprehensive about the trip. It's perfectly natural that you would be!! Doesn't it figure that it would have to be with an unattached male!!! Just make it harder, Lord!!<P>You're right in that you don't want to go overboard whenever he's out of sight, but he needs to understand your perspective and accept your reaction as part of the lasting effects of his actions. Only by him repeatedly acting trustworthy and communicating with complete honesty will you be able to work past the "panic flashes" of what new nightmare could come from anything that might occur when you're apart. <P>So, Shoni, have you explained your feelings to him as well as you've put them here? Can you show this to him?<BR>It is something that he must understand, not just something that you can't help.<P>You don't want to have to question everything all the time. Its painful and zaps so much energy. He needs to know that this reaction is not on purpose and is not a "punishment" for actions in the past.. Do you think he understands it that way?<P>If he does, then he should have no problem with contacting you periodically and answering any quesions you might have about the trip, the person he's going with, what exactly will they be doing and such.<P>Hugs and Strength, <P>Sheba<P>PS - Where is it that he's going and what is it that he's doing? That could be an important factor!! Duh!!<p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited August 13, 1999).]

Then after you and H have an understanding of your anxiety over it -<P>Do what WS said!!!!

Yes it is hard, but you really can not control the action of another person, so you do have to trust.<P>It is important for your H to respect his commitment to you and do not do anything inappropriate (like strip bar)<P>You will be fine. Part of the burden of infidelity is that when spouse (us) wants to save the marriage we do have to have to work on restoring a normal loving relationship.<P>It is hard. You can do it.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi Shoni, I'm in one of those moods,<P> That's a tough one. My W is ready to come back and work on the marriage if I can find a solution oriented brief councelor, but I'm not sure if I will ever be able to trust her again. How can I look into those baby blues and believe. It seemed so easy for the last two years for her to lie to my face about her whereabouts and activities.<P> I fear if she would go down the street to 7-11 I would still wonder what's going on. That's more than enough time to make a phone call to arrange for a meeting.<P> You can't control what they think, is it you or the OP that poseses their mind?<P> Sorry for being a downer but when I spoke with Val today and the possibility of her coming home was a reality, I was not sure if that is what I truely want. She agreed with the letter to break it off with the OM and let me mail it. So what stops her from calling and telling him to disregard it, her H made her do it. I have lost faith in the human race. Seems like I believe half of what I see and nothing what I don't. <P> Sorry for the honest reply but you asked.<P>Medic in need of a transplant.

I am new to all this - I have only known for sure 3 1/2 weeks, but I know that if H says to night that he wants to work on the marriage that...<P>1) Because of the kind of person he is that he is serious. I know that.<P>2) It will not work if I don't learn to trust.<P>I agree with Sheba - if the marraige is going to work in the long run, he needs to understand how you are feeling and why. If he doesn't the there is a lack of communication and we all know where that can lead. <P>My husband still isn't sure what he wants to do, but he is still at home (in guest room). Last night he had to go out on business and "she" was there - so hard not to dwell on it, but I had to trust that the affair is on hold while he makes his decision. Bery hard!<P>Good luck - do lots of nice stuff for yourself!<P>------------------<BR>H

I know what you are going through, Shoni..right now, I am in the stage of not wanting her to go anywhere without me..I want to trust her the way I did before, but it is so hard..as Doc H has said, you could ask him not to go..explain to him your feelings and why you would prefer to have him stay..another thing, is it appropriate to go out of town with a single friend? Does he have any married friends he can spend some time with? He needs to be considerate of your needs..your need to trust, your need to know...Does he understand? What is more important to him, your feelings or his single friend's? If this person is really his friend, he would understand if your husband cancelled..just some food for thought..also, pray unceasingly if he decides to go anyway...pray for his protection and God's guiding hand in his actions..Bless you in the name of Christ.

Thanks everyone for replying. I haven't been here all weekend but I greatly appreciate ALL of you.<P>Was, I would love the alone time, problem is with 3 little girls, I WON'T be alone. A bath? Maybe all 4 of us will fit in the tub? Read a book? How about Barney's Great Adventure? The remote? Barney again! LOL I do want to go out with friends Saturday night, but that means finding a babysitter and I have a real hard time to do that because we live out of town a ways. But I will TRY.<P>Sheba, I tried to not give much detail because otherwise I end up writting a book. BUT...He is going to drag races in MN. He works for a auto parts store and alot of the guys (and some wives) go to this every year. I think it's a professional thing or something. The tickets are $130 just for the gate pass. Co-worker has an extra ticket that he is giving to H because he has no one to go with. H works on motors at work and is very interested in getting to go in the pits and watch them work on cars. I understand that, but why not just look at the motor in my car? LOL<P>I have shared my concerns with him. He would say one day "It's not worth making you upset over, so I just won't go." Then the next day he comes and says "Well, I have to let him know if I am going with or not." HELLO! I told him I trust him when he tells me he wants to be with me. I just don't trust that he will do the right thing if faced with temptation. (also told him that) He tells me I don't have anything to worry about. WHATEVER! I told him he's made promises before that he hasn't kept and that I WILL NOT go through this **** again. (another affair) His answer was "You won't have to."<P>Him and his friend will be camping in a tent at the race track campground. He told me he will take his cell phone (which he absolutely hates) with him so that I can call him.<P>FHL, I strip bar thing is one of the reasons I am very nervous. I don't even know if there is one in the town they are going to, but if they did that, I would be pissed! And it's not like H to say no if someone asked him to go. Wouldn't be his idea, but wouldn't say no. But there will be other co-workers their with their wives, so that makes me feel a tinny bit better.<P>Medic238, I trust H for the most part. I sometimes getting udderly crazy thoughts in my head of him screwing around, but we are together almost all of the time (except for work). My biggest worry is his inability to say NO to people. I don't think he'd plan anything, but I worry it might just happen.<P>dhj- I agree that to make it work, you eventually need to learn to trust. But going out of town, overnight, without each other, is something I swore I would never let happen again. Maybe that's unrealistic, but had I never left town that night, he'd have never stayed at her house.<P>stephanas- I explained about why he is going with a single friend. He doesn't think that should make a difference to me, but it does. The friends he hung around with during the time of the affair, helped him to be able to see OW. I can NOT stand them, and I wouldn't put up with him going with them. I don't really know this co-worker. (met a couple times, but that's it) They are both into racing and motors and blah, blah, blah, so I know that is why they are going. Still, it scares me to create an opportunity that could destroy my marriage and hurt my kids.<P>See Sheba, I told you before when you ask too many questions, I just don't quit typing! LOL! Thanks all of you!<P><P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

Shoni<BR>When my boys were small my H used to work out of town a lot. We had the most fun imaginable. I remember eating crackers and cheese in the bed with them was one of our favorites. Dad wasn't there so I became a kid. They loved it I loved it.<BR>And when those girls go to bed you can still pamper yourself. Or while they are watching Barney. Improvise!!!!<BR>Make it fun. Don't eat anything healthy all weekend. I'm very bad aren't I? My kids used to love this stuff. <BR>Both my brothers have little ones and of course mine are big. Auntie is just Naughty because she has the sugar cereal.<BR>Shoni - You can have a BALL!!!

Three girls? Me too...but mine are 13, 10 &3...more spread out!<P>I too kind of laugh when the advise is do something just for you.<P>They can't even leave me alone in the shower...someone has an urgent question.<P>Plus I'm their mom and I love that, so we do have fun together.<P>Our poor H's...emotionally stunted...and in a houseful of women. One of our dogs is male. The female is much smarter. Our cats are male and pretty clueless, too.<P>I think he'll be fine. Sometimes you have to rationally think about what is a real threat and what is a percieved threat. Probibly the flip side is your H would want you to go if in the reverse situation.<P>My H is like that. Doesn't understand why I have a problem with some things, but would be the first to encourage and support me in what I want to do. Rather have that than a controller or a jealous person I guess.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Wow, everyone is so positive....I need to remember this when my H goes out of town. See I have the problem of trust going out of town because my H did go on business and had her meet him there. Now, I wonder when he leaves if he is totally honest. He has done nothing to make me doubt, but it still doesn't keep me from calling the hotel and making sure he answers the phone. When OW went with him, they would let it roll to VM so they would know which spouse was calling. I also check to see if she is registered. I know it sounds crazy, but it keeps me sane.

Wasstubborn,<P>I'll listen to you and "be a kid again". Usually when I am at home, I am constantly tring to get something done, cleaning, washing, picking up whatever. My H tells me I'm a clean freak. I never stop long enough to just have fun, but I will try to do that. Rent some Barney videos (not that we don't have 100 at home) and spend some time with my girls WITHOUT CLEANING! (just thinking about not cleaning makes me worry how big of a mess my house will be)<P>FHL, I know I probably worry way more than I should. But how do I know when I should and shouldn't worry? I NEVER did before, and I guess I should have. If some girl tries to kiss him, I want to have confidence that he will say "I am HAPPILY married and do not want to have anything to do with you." So I guess the trust issue is that I don't trust him to say that. I don't think he would be the one to make the move, I just don't believe he would stop it. I feel a little better after we talked about how he would handle it (didn't really like his answer) but atleast maybe it will prepare him if something were to happen. (his answer was he'd say to her "No I'm watching the races" - I want a little more emphasis on "No, I'm MARRIED") And yes, I too am glad I don't have a paronoid controlling H. He is excellant in that way. I went out with friends Friday, and they are all arguing with H/boyfiends who don't want them to go, and mine just kisses me and tells me to have fun. I need to learn to do the same I guess.<P>gladimadeit - (took me a while to figure out your name!) I still get over paronoid too sometimes. One day, for no reasonat all, I was so scared to go into this resturant to get lunch because I thought I would see H in there with another woman. I knew I was being irrational, yet I couldn't hardly breathe and was very shaky walking into the resturaunt. I guess that's why I feel like I have to give him trust back sometime and let him go with it. And hopefully he will give me reasons to trust more, instead of breaking it again.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

I still routinely look through drawers, pockets, briefcase, cars. Can't seem to stop it. That's why I was so miffed that I didn't uncover more evidence of surprise party. I don't really expect to find anything, nor do I think anything has went on in months, but an irrational thought can grab you and your mind is off to the races.<P>Remember Shoni, much time has past since actual infidelity. H has grown and learned from the experience. He told you himself. If he was leaving possibility open in his own mind, he wouldn't have done that.<P>My H would have said same thing if quizzed about kiss. To bad we can't wire then and zap them when they give such a stupid answer. Did you know my H's whole thing started when tramp kissed him after meeting him a couple hours before in a bar?<P>My H fell into it (no defense) but I think he learned from his mistake and would handle things differently again. Would he say I'm married? Probibly not if he didn't have to, unless asked (he has a ring on but didn't at that time). For some reason, it must be a guy thing, they percieve that as a wimpy answer, but that has nothing to do with personal commitment. As for a stab in the heart, when tramp asked H to move in with her after knowing him a week or so he said "Can't, I have kids." He was truly surprised I took that personally. He replied that that was just something he said to her, he meant he had no intention of leaving family which included me and wouldn't even want to live with her. So why not say that? I don't know.<P>Shoni, maybe we need to take remedial "guy thing" class, because a lot of what they do makes perfect sense to them and we are completely clueless in our understanding. What do you think?<P>And your right, it is better not to have a jealous controlling H, even if it means letting loose the control issue ourselves. You know I think people believe they are less trustworthy when people don't trust them. Let your H live up to the high expectations you have for him. The more respect you give him, the more self esteem he will have and the less likely he will be to fall into something.<P>Plus it is our God directed job to respect, and theirs to love and care for us which of course involves respect, too. But think about it, a man craves respect. Not trusting him shows disrespect (even if warrented)<P>You'll be fine!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL,<P>You make so much sense to me. I just love reading your posts!<P>I hope I can quit the irrational things I do. I found myself the other day looking at his cell phone bill to see who he's been calling. H hates his cell phone and wishes I would cancel it cause it's always laying in the backseat with a dead battery. All the calls were to home, my work, my cell, or my parents house. I start to feel guilty that I don't trust him, but I guess I am scared to get burned again.<P>I can't believe your H's OW wanted him to move in with her after a week? She sure wasn't looking for love, was she! Did your H end it and then tell you, or how did you find out? Do you know who she is? Does he still go out by himself (without you)? I get so panicky when H wants to go out to the bar without me. (which isn't very often) Even when it's with friends who I know are also MY friends and wouldn't sit idely by while he screwed around (unlike the guys he used to hang around). <P>I miss who I was. I miss the carefree trust I had for him. But, I don't miss who he was, so I guess ya make a trade off somewhere. Just wish it wasn't such a big trade.<P>Thank you so much for always responding. It helps so much to work these things through instead of fighting with H because of my paronoid thoughts.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

Shoni,<BR>I am happy to give you a new way to think about things. Many times that is all we need to begin solving our own problems.<P>It is hard to know exactly the timeline of my H's quirky affair. It only lasted 4 or five weeks. H says went no farther than a kissy face thing (didn't believe for months, now I do 99%)<P>Since it started with the bimbo kissing him and they had no previous connection, I believe there was little emotional involvement. I think as he got to know her and realize she drank too much, smoked, swore and had been with many many men, she became less and less attractive to him. I think he was sucked in a temp bad brain period and was curious, then I think he tried to distance himself and she started pressuring and threatening with what I don't know...think she wanted to embarrass me.<P>I believe he realized he had to stop seeing her, but felt a little guilty since she was telling him she loved him (yeah right) and because he was concerned what she would do. He decided not to call her or take her calls at work. He asked me out on a date at about this time and I think that was his way of working on things and keeping himself away from her. <P>Meanwhile he left enough evidence that he may as well took out a billboard on the highway. Although on one hand he never wanted me to know, on the other he thought I had the right to know...so I think he let himself be caught, but not consciously.<P>I discovered 1/8/99. He immediately agreed to no contact, etc...but went to see her following Monday (caught him) to tell her he couldn't see her anymore. He then kept phone contact for eight more weeks until I discovered his second phone card. This time I believe he was really ready to end all contact. He says he kept contact to make sure she was all right and not planning a confrontation. This may be part of it, but it is probibly more complex. <P>I think he is appalled by everything he said and did now. He is trying to get a clue. It is not easy for him.<P>No I don't know her or have ever seen her, although she saw a picture of me on his key chain and I know where she works, so I could track her down (about 1/2 away in a different small city)<P>No he does not go out since this mess...mostly to pacify me. That's OK. He did go out once when I was out of town with friend that came for a meeting...and that's when he went to that strip bar. I knew he was going out and was OK...I should have been clear about my expectations. I do think he would have respected them, although any idiot could deduct I wouldn't approve.<P>I don't know if I will be comfortable about him going out for a while, not because he would do anything, but the whole scene is not good for our relationship and we can not afford any negative influence right now.<P>Ironically when he met her, he was out with one of my best friends (male) who would have looked out for me if he knew what had happened. My H swears he never knew. <P>He does a lot of other recreational things sometimes with, sometimes without me, so it isn't like I have him on a leash. It is mutual right now.<P>Got to go. <P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13