My wife recently admitted after much probing from myself, that she was questioning our marriage and that she has been unhappy for some time. I only found this out because I am very sensitive to changes in her moods / feelings / etc. To be honest I have been very unhappy for 18months myself, but have been trying to deal with it on my own as my wife unlike me does not like to confront the problems. I like to tackle home / marriage issues head on, but my wife is a much more private person. She would not entertain suggestions about us attending marriage counselling when I suggested it inthe past. I suspect that as a result of dealing with the issues with no success on my own, that I have also been suffering from mild depression for 12 - 18 months.
Soon after my wife admitted that she wasn't happy in our marriage, I caught my wife with the husband of her good friend outside our home in the early hours of the morning. A car pulled up 50 yards from our driveway. I recognised the car, and to my horror the two occupants inside. By this stage my heart rate must have been around 200bpm. I waited for a few seconds until my wife leaned in and kissed him a little more passionately than I would have expected as a good night kiss. At this stage I could not wait any longer (although I now wish I had) and so confronted them. They were both muttering that they bumped into each other at a club whilst out with work friends. I used all my will power / strength to stop me from beating the @rap out of this guy, just in case I was out of wrong and he had only given her a lift home. Unfortunately in the post analysis, I remembered that I had caught him trying to hit on my wife whilst she was drunk a few weeks ago, but she denied anything was going on. To cut a long story short, I since discovered she had been in contact with him since shortly after he initially hit on her. After much pressuring from me, she admitted that they had maintained contact via text messages ever since. She then promised that she would no longer contact him, but I know that they still maintain contact. I love my wife dearly and until recently beleived that her one time error of judgement could have been forgiven. From reading much literature, I realised that we were making many of the common mistakes that many married couples make, and that there was a very real chance that we could address them. She now wants to move out of our home with her cousin for a few weeks to clear her head. I have explained that if she leaves, that there will be no chance of reconciling, and as painful as that is, I mean it. I beleive that her leaving would do nothing but allow her to try and spend time with the other person. My questions to you would be.
1. Should I tell the other persons wife what I know (they have an innocent 3-4yr old child to consider).
2. Am I right not to let my wife temporarily move out (although from reading your postings, I beleive that I have done the right thing).
3. How do I get her to admit the contact and to stop contacting him. She looks me right in the eye and lies about it when I question her about the relationship. The body language and some other knowledge that I have is contradicting her.
I am not sure what to do next as I have made it near impossible for them to meet physically.
I have convinced her to attend counselling, (but she insists on going on her own). She tells me that the counsellor has advised her that she should take a break from us, which for obvious reasons I don't agree with.
4. How do I make her see how destructive her behaiour is to our marriage before it's too late, as I am running out of patience and don't beleive I can swallow my pride for much longer.

1. Should I tell the other persons wife what I know (they have an innocent 3-4yr old child to consider).

I would tell!!
Hey this isn't about being a nark or a informant you are trying to save your marriage! This is your marriage we're talking about besides she has a right to know.

2. Am I right not to let my wife temporarily move out (although from reading your postings, I beleive that I have done the right thing).

Do what you can to prevent her from leaving but you cant stop her if that's what she really wants to do. Moving out may be what finally snaps her to her senses. I think working things out under the same roof is much easier but you can't control what you can't control...I'm dealing with this same issue.

3. How do I get her to admit the contact and to stop contacting him. She looks me right in the eye and lies

This is probably common, my wife did the same thing. I wish I had an opinion, but I dont think you can trust her until she's ready to come clean and SHE makes a decision that she wants to make the M work. I'm still waiting on that unrelenting commitment from my W and until then i'm just looking for signs...you can't trust an addict!

4. How do I make her see how destructive her behaiour is to our marriage before it's too late, as I am running out of patience and don't beleive I can swallow my pride for much longer.

Brother I dont think you or I have a real choice. I dont think we can make someone realize their actions are destructive. I've talked to my wife until I was blue in the face and that's alot...lol Seriously, I'm starting to equae my wifes emotional dependency on this OM as a drug addiction and she might have to hit rock bottom to snap out of denial.

One point I want to make to you and remember I'm just another H trying to cope with a similar issue as you, but think about this:

You can say that you're at the end of your rope but in reality your in it for the long-term even if you don't want to admit it. What are you going to do? Go out and have an affair to momentarily feel better only to strap your M with more issues not to mention lose your dignity?

You can't just walk away from your marriage because it's still unresolved. If you walk away now you'll probably be carrying so much baggage that you won't be able to began a positive healthy relationship with another woman for quie sometime.

Friend believe me, we are both tough guys with pride and self-respect, but we the fact is we love our wives or we wouldn't have married them. We are in it for the long haul and please don't make the mistake of making threats about moving on that will only give her a way out. Let her know you are in this for the long haul. You are her husband, you are commmited and you arent going anywhere as long as there is hope...tell her that's how much you love her whether she likes it or not!!

Good luck and stay strong

Mark,

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here.

First off, you are right, the only reason a spouse wants to move out is so they can resume the affair unimpeded. But, you can't force her to stay, you can only tell her that you don't agree that it will help your marriage and don't don't want her to move. [one can't work on their marriage if they aren't there!]

Secondly, it is imperative that you call the OM's wife NOW and tell her all this. Often exposure blows the top right off the affair. You should be exposing this affair to all key people now. An affair cannot survive without secrecy. Often, just exposing the affair will bring it to an end.

Next, I would start on Plan A. Plan A means that you try to meet the needs that the OM is meeting and attract her back into the marriage. It also means NO angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments and demands. These are called lovebusters and every time you lovebust your W, you make the OM look more attractive and give her ammunition to justify her affair.

I would get ahold of Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. You can order it on this website and they have fast, cheap shipping. But in the meantime, here is some information below about Plan A.

So, I would do 2 things today, call the OM's wife and tell her and start Plan A. AND get the book SAA.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Plan A overview from Marriage Builders coach, Penny Tupy:

Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)

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<small>[ July 06, 2004, 07:32 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Thanks to all for your replies. I am sorry for not posting sooner but I thought that this thread had been deleted and so started a new one
in the General questions II section under the heading "Not sure if I want to implement Plan A?".
I will continue to use that thread if that's ok. So if you wish to provide any more advice please do so there. Thanks again

Call the OM's wife NOW, not later! You would want her to do the same for you if she found out before you did. The OM is counting on the affair having no impact on his marriage. He wants to maintain his marriage and have your wife on the side. It is not fair to keep the OM's wife in the dark. Tell her everything that you know right NOW!!!