WOW! thanks for all the support here! I trully appreciate it!

The thing is...I dont KNOW what I want at this point. It is really funny, but things were going so well over the weekend, he was starting to come out of the fog and I KNOW he hadn't called her once since that day he told her adios.

But in the back of my mind I kept thinking to myself that I wasn't going to go on with him. I am having surgery tomorrow and I thought I could keep him around for the recovery then send him on his way...I know I am so cruel!

NOW THIS! I have contacted a lawyer and in our state the ONLY thing she has a right to is child support and IF I decide to stay for the long haul, she will be getting her money!

She told WH that she doens't need SH** from him...she can do this alone...she is USED to being a single mom. WH made it clear to her that he is not leaving his family!

I honestly think her plan backfired. See, WH was getting to the point that he DID NOT want her anymore and now this happens and he hasn't just left his family for her.

well, phone rang and I was on the phone for an hour after starting this...I lost my train of thought here....bbl

"NOW THIS! I have contacted a lawyer and in our state the ONLY thing she has a right to is child support and IF I decide to stay for the long haul, she will be getting her money! "

Thing is Mom.... these OW are just as likely to change their minds a thousand times before the OC is born ....(if there is one, which I have my doubts)

"I don't want crap from ~WH~ because I am going to raise this child on my own" ....
can quickly turn to
"I want all my hospital bills paid and OC should have a slice of the WH lifestyle ~and~ OC needs a relationship with his/her brothers..."

The worm turns over and over.... and the demands, threats, manipulations are ~not~ about to end suddenly....

If there is OC and she files for support.... she can revisit the courts for increases even if YOUR KIDS have to make do on less than her child.... UNLESS you have established child support for the boys FIRST!

HOW is child support calculated where you live? (I think we live at different ends of the same state) ....

Sometimes it is calculated by the family wealth .... your home, savings, insurance, etc.

What happends if this child is born and things unfortunately go awry, and the child has special needs? Like MS or any birth-related problems.... like an extended premie stay in the hospital? The medical bills could be astonishing.... and even tho your H is liable for half.... half could seriously undermine the safety of YOUR family.... !!!

Did you ask your attorney if your H would be liable for her medical costs while pregnant and any child medical costs?

Pep

Yes it did backfire. I guess your husband is now seeing what she truly is and that the fog is clearing! This was one last desperate attempt to "get him" and it didn't work. I'm sure she's madder than a wet hen. She's humiliated herself with her co-workers and he's humiliated her by not leaving his family for her and this imagined child.

If she knows the only communication can be through your attorney where a record can be kept and testified to in court, I suspect she will soon move on. Wouldn't you love to be a fly on the wall when she opens a letter from your attorney telling her that communication would be through him?

Why is she a single mom? Divorce or has she pulled this trick before? My stbx's xow pulled a pregnancy to get her husband to marry her-the only way he would and that was months after the baby was born-who wants to marry a wh*re. Now he's left to raise the child by himself because the child cuts into her extra-maritial activities. She learned not to pull that one again. The next man might not be interested in raising her child. Sad. Sad for the child. Sad for the man who was caught in her trap.

Her comment that she is accustomed to being a single mom tells much. If she were really pregnant, wouldn't her comment be that he has responsibilities to this child? Not a response that she can do it alone.

Desperate people with nothing to lose do desperate things.

Pepper, I did ask the atty about the cost of medical bills prenatal. I live in TX...I did think about birth defects, etc...but NOT the cost of it! Man, you are so wise...According to the Atty, OW is entitled to 14.75% of WH NET income and that is it. Supposedly in our state it is based on his NET income.

We talked a lot about many different options..of course he asked her to think twice about having the baby and her answer was..."oh yea, well that is just great, WH gets to go on his merry little life and OW gets to live with it the rest of her life knowing she killed his baby"...whatever!

He also approached her with US raising the child...she laughed at that one. another option is to treat it as a divorce child and share custody...another is to treat it as a ONS and just pay the child support...another is to sue for custody.

All this is ringing thru our heads. main thing is that WH and I have to be a team and she needs to know that.

I used to work NICU (haven't worked there in years)...

There was this awful situation....

Surrogate mother pregnant with twins, carried these babies for a fee paid by the soon to be parents. Parents are paying the pre-natal bills and the delivery bills. Everybody's happy.

Babies are born early.
One has serious damage due to brain anoxia.
Baby is probably retarded and spastic.
Other baby seems OK.
Parents ~refused~ to take damaged baby from the hospital!
Only wanted the "good" twin.
The bills mounted and mounted....
Attorneys up the wazoo from 3 sides...
Parent's attorney.
Surrogate's attorney.
Hospital's gaggle of attorneys.

Messy as you can imagine....

Just make sure you and Dad prepare for as many contingencies as you can imagine.... Think of the worst case senario and have a plan.

As Forrest Gump said.... "[censored] happends"

Pep

Mom,

Just a couple of thoughts as I read through all of the responses here. While I understand everyone lashing out at OW and putting in their two cents on her motives, I don't think that will help you right now.

Anger is never a good weapon and, at least for me, it only sets me back.

Consider this (a rational possibility that often gets short-shrift around here, understandably so). I don't believe most people (our WH's included) go into an affair thinking anything other than "boy, this person makes me feel good." The only trap they fall into is the one they set for themselves, allowing themselves to sidle into conversations and circumstances that quickly become too personal and -- bang -- they fall "in love."

I'll now address your OW specifically. There is nothing known at the present to suggest she schemed to get pregnant to get at your money. If so, she would have done that months ago.

There is nothing to suggest she is a serial "man-stealer" who has done this before.

I would submit that she is a hard-working, single mom who was flattered by the attention this nice-looking, well-off professional man gave her. And she set herself up to hope that "maybe we can become something."

She wasn't thinking of you or your kids. But neither was she probably thinking, "aha, a wealthy guy falls into my trap.... if I can just get pregnant, hey, me and my other kid might be able to move out of my mom's house! Sounds like a plan!"

While trying to convince ourselves that just such a scheme entered her head and lays beneath all that has happened, it does you no good to buy into this "theory."

As Pep points out, many things can change and OW's tune can change right along with them. But I don't think it's because she's got this evil plan in place (and I think Pep would agree). I think people's minds change as circumstances do. She's going to come out of the fog because of this, too, and she's going to be left looking at caring for this child for the next two decades. And, rightfully so, she'll start to say, "why should I take on all this stress alone? He helped make the mess, he can help clean it up."

You can't imagine the things that will go through her mind as she contemplates raising the child on her own. We can't assume what her reactions will be as she comes out of the fog. Will she resent your husband? Hate him? Want him back? Nobody really knows.

But she can't be your focus. She is a patehtic figure in this drama who, because of her own foolishness, is now in a situation that nobody envies.

Have pity on her. Protect yourself and your children. Work on your marriage. As you go along, establish guidelines for what you will or will not accept and allow yourself to alter your guidelines as necessary. Then, when a new situation arises, remove the emotionality of the circumstances and ask yourself, "how does this new situation fall in my guidelines?" In other words, let your guidelines dictate your response.

Sorry to be so long-winded, but I am seeing so much OW bashing and I think it will take you off track.

Lots of hugs and prayers to you and dad this morning.

~ Snow

<small>[ July 07, 2004, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

PAF~

That's the most important thing, that you and H are a team. A united front. If dad is back and willing to commit, you need to make your M the primary focus. As difficult as it will be to do, you need to try not to make ow's (possible) P a primary topic of discussion. By the way, has H asked her to take a verifiable P test? You might could get this off the table by finding out she's lying.

Get the M on the road to recovery, then if ow truly is P, you will be in a better place to make decisions as a COUPLE. You will need to POJA the issues surrounding an OC. There will be lots of issues to iron out. I understand your head must be spinning right now, but really, right now, all you need to do is focus on recovery. The rest will be easier to figure out once you two are truly back together and can sort it out as a team.

The reason I asked if atty. gave you the figure for CS with your children already figured in the equation, is because many a BW on P/C board have said they should've sought CS for their children first, before ow could do so for OC. This is basically done through separation proceedings. I don't know if you have legal separation in your state though. Otherwise, OC in some cases receives larger shares of H's income, then the children of the M. This protects the BW and children of the M, even though the couple doesn't always physically separate. This is just one of the issues that LynnG is very good with. Keep checking P/C...she'll reply.

In the meantime, praying ow isn't P, and that whatever the case may be, dad has finally woken up.

Resilient~

Didn't mean to imply you didn't know what you were talking about as I know you've btdt. It's just that you said in your post:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First thing is first, and that would be establishing paternity via DNA which cannot happen until the child is 6 mos of age.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was only trying to point out that DNA can happen much earlier than when a child is 6 mos. of age. Thus why I put "can" in italics. I didn't want PAF to think she necessarily will have to wait till child is that age. It may very well be the case, but it may indeed not be as well.

<small>[ July 07, 2004, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

I REALLY like the idea of YOU being the only contact with the OW. Every time Dad contacts her she is getting a need met.

You and Dad sit down and discuss how contact will occur with OW. It is time for YOU to step in and be the intermediary.

OW does NOT have to have a R with Dad the rest of OC's life, and doesn't have to have a R with anyone other than cashing your checks. But for hte sake of the OC, getting to know Dad is a good idea. You establish RIGHT NOW, you will be the ONLY contact. You will be the one she calls (after the lawyers are done), you will be the one to pick up the OC. Let her know what the boundaries are. NC means NC...but that doesn't mean for OC, just her.

Okay, something just hit me when I was reading your post on the other site....If OW has regular cycles, they are somewhere in the vicinity of 28 days long. You say that he hasn't talked to her in at least 10 days. Can Dad sit down with a calendar and say yes, in the key timeframe (days 13-16) he was physically intimate with OW? If he wasn't, you all may be able to call her bluff. Just a thought.

Regards,

Brit's Brat-BS/42
XH-WS/45
DS/2-1/2
Status: Divorce final May 17, 2004.

double post

<small>[ July 07, 2004, 12:53 PM: Message edited by: PlayedAfool ]</small>

This is what I know...they were togehter on the 14th and the 17th...and the 24th. he ended it on the 25th...She was 28 days on the 30th...31 days on the 3rd...according to the calculations YES, they were intimate on day 12 and day 15...

Well, given the dates, it truly sounds like OW tried to trap your WH. UGH! Why did she say it wasn't possible for her to get pregnant? She must have been pretty convincing...Women like this make me sick.

Brit's Brat.

Yes, me too brits brat!

UPDATE! OW is going to get a test today to see how far along she is and she is going to see about not having the baby! I assume her little plan is backfiring big time.

WH has told her he will give her the check each month, but that is it!
I am sure OW's mom has told her that OW's mom will not raise the child herself. OW must own up to her own responsibility. It is all blowing up in her face now! She willlose all her independence with a new baby.

I know that many, including myself are pro life and I am sorry this will upset some of you, b ut this is essentially OW's decision...no one elses.

Oh, that just makes me sadder. It is like this child is just part of a game. Pitiful.

I believe that she tried to trap your WH.

I have been through the same thing with my step-daughter and her boyfriend. He kept telling her that he could never have kids (some old injury). I begged my daughter to not believe him. I told her I had heard that many times from other people before, and then suddenly there is a "miracle".

Sadly, my daughter did not listen, and sure enough ended up pregnant.

So I don't know what my advice would be to you. The whole thing is just sad, sad, sad.

yes, it really is trully sad...I was just thinking though...ALL THE SUDDEN she wants to NOT have the baby....all the sudden after saying she WAS going to have the baby, she is NOT going to have this baby...makes me wonder if this OW really is PG...just sounds too convenient.

Why on earth would she tear my WH up last night saying that she would not kill the baby, then now she wants to terminate it. hmmmm...I smell a fish!

RAT...PAF,you smell a RAT!

I hope this all turns out to be one big melodrama and nothing more.

O

Oh yes...a RAT! Yes a RAT! OW told WH she is 5 weeks PG.

I want to thank you guys for all the support I am receiving! I will be out of commission for a few weeks. Having surgery tomorrow. Right in the middle of all of this. But my WH will be by my side all the way!

Keep the comments coming please! Thanks a million!

What surgery are you having?

Pep

I am having a breast lift and a tummy tuck! I have been wanting the breast lift for YEARS, even before kids...I scheduled this surgery WAY before this came about. With or without WH I was going to do this...

I am still going to do this. As someone said to me...this isn't going to go away...it will still be here after the surgery or if I postpone it. so I am doing this for ME. I am really excited about it and that OW is NOT going to take this away from me! HA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You know, I have a funny feeling that the OW is making this all up. I suspect she made this up to get attention from your H and is now backpeddling before he can call her bluff.

I think a well timed phone call to the OW mother would probably be a real eye opener. A nice little phone call to ask what she thinks about her daughter's pregnancy with a married man. I betcha that would cause some trouble and embarrassment since I think it's all a made up story.