I wrote this to familymatters about plan a this am...and then I read sindy post on plan a...so I"m threadjacking myself...

putting out there some of my musings of plan a..


FIRST thing is that I strongly strongly believe that before you even begin plan A...that you make a time limit for it...with plans to go to Plan B...
that for plan b to be effective you must have a good plan a...and for plan a to be effective and have the stamina to hang in there and give so unconditionally you must have a time frame in mind for plan b.....

Plan A is ALL about the assumption that the WS is still in the affair or in contact...
this is your map to navigating those treacherous waters...

it also is your big moment to diffuse all the excuses WS are prone to use to justify their behavior and choices....

and more you can diffuse their blame...

the bs is "always depressed"
the bs "always wants to talk about relationships"
the bs "is controlling"
the bs "yells all the time"
etc....

the more you remove those things...and the more you remove yourself from any powerstruggles of insanse things...

he said she said..
etc...
the more your disengage from arguements..again the more they have look at their own actions and choices....

here's what I told familymatters..One of the biggest mistakes that people make in plan A is that they begin to meet their spouses needs....and still hold on to great expectations of reward and reinforcement from their spouse....

plan a is ALL about learning to give and do for a bit with NO expectation of ANYTHING in return...

the giving of self and gifts with no strings attached....

I have quoted the silly add campaign for some perfume in the 70's here before...but I think it fits....

It went like this ...

"if you want to get someones attention...
whisper."..

plan a is like a whisper of behaviors and actions...
plan a should not be huge demonstrative expressions of love and romance...

WS are incapable of accepting those things...
part of that is that their actions at the time of continuing an affair are NOT loving and lovable...
and they KNOW it..
sometimes they know it better than their BS...who still want to use words like love to them...

so they get resentful
or shut down
or depressed..
or it solidifies their belief that they are so "bad" or so far gone...it feeds into their excuse and defense of unworthiness...

plan a is about filling the home with love and light in other ways...

it about an upbeat environment without the deep doom cloud hanging overhead..

it is about a home filled with children's activities and joy when applicable and it is about inviting and drawing the wS into those times and activities....

and even when they refuse to come in to the joy...the joy goes on without them...

BS that do a good plan a...say they feel like their WS didn't notice..or only was receptive now and then...and then their involvement and particpation increased...

WS that were handed a good plan a...say they watched and noticed EVERYTHING...EVERYTHING....even when the bS thought they didn't notice a thing....

WS are in great turmoil...and human nature is in conflict to take ALWAYS the path of the least resistance.....

the path of least resistance...is withdrawal and wallowing in self loathing and pity..

the path of least resistance is the OP..for they can not judge and force the WS to see their own actions...because they are as guilty as the other....

so plan A'rs.....need to stop ALL relationship talk..
all talk of love...

you do things that are subtle...
like put a CD in that the WS likes...and just enjoy if yourself...and if they enjoy it also...so be it..
even better yet when it is a blast from the past CD...one that speaks of a history...without blatant insistance that the wS remember this or that....

just history...

the person in plan A...needs to be upbeat and charming...they need to see that the BS is capable of fun and joy...because if all they ever see is a BS lost in the pain..then it will solidify their belief that the pain the WS has caused will never go away...and no one can stand to see the pain they have inflicted day after day...(unless psychotic or sadistic)

the person in plan a needs to engage family and friends in fun activites always always always inviting the wS to join in...
they need to see that things can and could be normal again....

plan a can be leaving a love note...but more impressive a joke...
buy an old farside book and make copies of the really really funny ones....
or the old calvin and hobbs.......
and leave those posted about...
WS seek false joy and laughter....
bring them back to real laughter.....

plan a'rs need to learn to babble back to the insanity that Ws say..and give the babble no leverage or "to die for importance"....

plan a'rs need a time limit of doing plan a with a concrete plan when to go to plan b..
the better the plan b..the better the reality of the consequances of plan b...

make plans to things the wS likes to do..
baseball games..
movies
etc..
and when they dont' want to go..
still go and do them..
be up up up up beat...

draw them to you and your home like a moth to a flame...

work on yourself
find an outside interest that gives you some relief ..

expect nothing nothing nothing from the Ws within a limited time period and free yourself in to the ability to give and do for your spouse better than you ever had....

WS are not used to getting thing with no strings attached....
it will confuse and baffle them...but when they try to use the old "your pressuring me excuse"..it will fall on their empty ears..cause they know that has not been the case..

take them a coffee expresso piled high with whip cream...at work or bring it home to them...and leave it for them..
don't badger them to thank you
don't badger them to tell you how much they liked it..
lay it at their feet and walk away whistling...
find the joy in the act of giving and doing and not in the receptiveness....

hard hard hard hard it is......
but set the time frame and go for it....
anyone can do anything for six weeks..
(except ATKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! )

and pray for Gods Grace to enter your heart and home...
pray for serenity...
make you house the home where you and the kids and WS would want to be....


become strong...
become confident
become engaging and charming...

realize that YOU the BS are not lovable or desirable..based on your spouses giving or taking of love...
that you stand alone in this world..
lovabe and desirable...inspite of your spouses...


that's why plan A is all about each and every encounter and glimpse in to you and your home life being as engaging and attractive.....


plan a is all about doing what you can to end an affair....
plan a is built on the presumption that they are in contact...
that's why your contact needs to be better and with more value and depth....

this does not mean that you don't set boundaries on what you will tolerate in your life..

you will not "babysit" the kids so she can go with the OP...

you don't condone any contact..
but you don't powerstruggle it either...


if you think your spouse is going to go out with op don't make it easy for them..don't watch the kids...make plans first...and leave him or her with the kids...etc

hope this helps some..
ark

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

ark

Great Post! But you knew that already! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The only thing I'd reinforce, is the BS should be fully prepared for the WS to be argumentative, even combative in some encounters with the BS.

They will go out of their way to provoke the BS into being defensive, argumentative, self righteous, angry and all the other negatives, in order to JUSTIFY TO THEMSELVES THE A IS OK. That the BS is really all of the "bad" they "believe" them to be. Somehow this mechanism gives the WS "permission" to be involved in the affair.

Again, ark, great post. I can tell you that Plan A works. Some days it's a bitter pill to swallow, but my FWW is at home now, physically, but more importantly, mentally, all because I showed her it was the best choice for her. Saving a marriage is typically up to the BS, whether it's fair or not. Everyone has to make up their mind what is best for them.

Your post should be required reading for anyone entering into Plan A.

Thanks for putting your insight into words people here can sink their teeth into!

SD

Great post arc - hope lots of people will read it.

shattered....

I believe that lots of people have lots to add to this post...

i also agree that people don't like change...even good changes will tick of the OP...anything that diffuses their right to the affair...

like a teenager they will rebel and escalate over the changes...
that's why I believe that Plan a should have a definite time line...

infinity is wearisome to the soul...and limbo of cake-eating dangerous to all parties...

where the unacceptable and the insane...become acceptable and sane...all in the name of a "false truce"...

Betrayed spouses are very susceptible to their own fog...

there's been talk of being a doormatt in plan a...
and some very wise soul said that

Plan A should be more like a welcome home matt...

love that...

ark

Hiya Ark ^ ^ ,

Great post as usual. Can you rename the thread so others will see it's importance? As for threadjacking, well if this is your most serious offense, I'd say, do it again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

BTW, I think you mean badger instead of bagger? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Keep up the good work. I appreciate your posts.

L.

"there's been talk of being a doormatt in plan a...
and some very wise soul said that

Plan A should be more like a welcome home matt..."

Yeah .... some genius said that
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

GREAT THOUGHTS ARK......... REALLY FANTASTIC POST....

Another keeper ..... right up there with the lighthouse post.

Pep

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

yeah what can I say..
I am always sooo inspired...only when...

we just got home from a weekend away at a lake and the laundry is piled to the ceiling...

the kids who can claim helplessness have magically all mastered getting on their swim suits alone and are BADGERING!!! me to get it in gear to go the YMCA pool....

and I can't get it straight in my head whether today is garbage day or not with holiday....soooo do I haul the bags out,...and risk wild dogs...
(not dingos exactly.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )
or not.....

and let me not lead you on...cause mr. ark did more work unpacking when we got home than I did..so it's me that's doing ALL the slacking....

and yet here I sit...misspelling and typing away... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ain't life grand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARK
pep I hope you are well...really well....

Ah, I myself love to misappropriate my time when things are piled to the ceiling. If we had drinks in our hands right now, I'd even make a toast to such procrastination. It really is something that simple avoidance can create such wonderful musings. You rock, ark.

I did want to add what I considered my crowning acheivement in my Plan A/Plan B (I was in Plan A, FWH was in Plan B, long story). I was just typing this to ark the other day, and thought I would use it as an example of what I think Plan A is also.

After a couple months of wallowing in my own despair, grief, disbelief, and all the other "normal" BS emotions on the rollercoaster, all the vets wonderful advice on these boards started to FINALLY sink in (I have a pretty thick skull). So, after Pep's wonderful post to me about planting my seeds and waiting for them to grow and not yelling at them (meaning following my plan will produce results down the road, not THAT day), and ark's wonderful Lighthouse post, I began really doing Plan A.

I started fixing real meals again for me and my boys. I began eating again. Getting on the anti-D's probably helped this process, too. I began exercising again, reading relationship books, not just affair books. I decided that I was a good person, whether I was married or not. I still wanted to be married, and my actions would reinforce that, but I could not control H or make him be married. I detached from his chaos.

So, one Sunday, the boys and I are enjoying waffles and bacon for breakfast, a family tradition on Sunday, before church. The house smelled wonderful, we are watching cartoons and laughing and having a grand time. Unexpectedly, FWH came over to get some tax documents. I had them ready by the front door, but he had to come in to look for more. I could tell by the look in his eye that something had been touched deep within him. I believe I even posted about it here.

Chance favors the prepared. If I had been wallowing in self pity, still in bed, feeling sorry for myself, my boys unhappy, what would H have thought when he stopped by unexpectedly? He would have thought, "Why do I want to come home to this? This is what it will be like. This is all the reasons I left."

Instead, when he went to get in his car, I saw him gaze back in the front window, at our sillouettes. He couldn't help himself. That was about 1 month before he came home, about 3 months after he moved out. Contact was still going on between him and OW, but she was not filling his needs.

Small changes in their thinking is how it usually happens. And even though you cannot SEE it happening, if you do a good Plan A, I think it does happen. It is as ark says, Human Nature. The brain cannot help but be attracted to that which soothes the soul. Shortly after that, H invited me out to dinner with him and the boys on his weekend. At the last minute, H took us to a movie, as well. We were "just friends" at the time. I didn't pressure for more. I was very pleasant. No crying, lots of smiles and laughing. I appreciated just being with him, without fighting or arguing or hurting.

And that night, in the van on the drive home, the boys fell asleep, and we just drove the familiar route home in silence, with a favorite radio channel on, and both of us just basqued in the wonderfulness of our family being together again, if even for just a short period of time.

That night, I pretty much knew H would be back. I didn't know how long it would take, but I knew we were what he wanted, deep down, he just had to figure out his own path back home. And I let him know that we would leave the light on for him, all he had to do was ask. And he did.

Anyway, rambling here. I too have much house work, kid play, laundry, and two jobs going on, and all I can do is type here! Hee hee hee.

Thank you, ark. I hope this post helps just ONE person like me out there "get it." Because once I understood Plan A, it was so easy. And I became so much more than I ever dreamed I was.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> SS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well my story is more of what NOT to do. At first I sat around like a zombie, LB'd, and did nothing. That was before MB.

Finally I decided that life must go on, with or without husband. So I got busy making my home a pleasant place for me, and my life a pleasant life for me.

I dejunked the place and gave excess to charity, painted, rearranged, organized, did the yard, detailed the car, started exercising and going out with friends. My self-esteem came out of the toilet almost immediately.

When WH stopped by (3 months later), his eyes popped out. He realized that I could go on without him. Now he is still with OW, and I don't think I want him back.

So to get back to the point, Ark's advice works whether you reconcile or not. You finally figure out that you can get through this and be a better, happier person.

Hey ark,

Too long for us with short attention spans <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Here's a stolen bit of a very good post (by cerri) on what Plan A is (and is not)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

Now, Plan B IS all about you, the betrayed partner. It's about getting you out of and away from a situation that is horribly painful and, let's face it, degrading. Plan B is taking the stance that enough is enough and that although you want the marriage to succeed you will no longer be part of a triangle. And that you care enough about the marriage to know that you need to protect the love you still have for your partner.

Now, nowhere in any of that is the idea that the faithful partner needs to make life easy and comfy for the straying spouse!! No need to bend over backwards to be a doormat. Certainly no need to be afraid to trigger guilt!! Good god!! They should feel guilty!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Arc, you hit the nail on the head when you said,

"I also agree that people don't like change...even good changes will tick of the OP...anything that diffuses their right to the affair..."

My WW is ticked off at all the changes.

Great thread, ark!!

This one belongs in the Archives/Read Only section so all of posterity can read it.

There's a whole lot of truth in it. For instance, my xH (we're "talking/considering dating" again) said just last week that he KEPT every single letter/card I sent him!! I didn't have any way of knowing if he even got them, or read them if he did get them. Never got an acknowledgement from him. So now, he's admitting he got them, read them all, and even kept them all!! AND STILL HAS THEM ALL.

Second thing he told me: After he went home (he now lives in an apt. in another town, near his son), he told his son, "Lupolady has done everything to the house that we had planned to do to it!! She even has a pool table in the den!! Just like we talked about doing someday!!!"

He was pretty amazed that "life had gone on" for me without him. ** EVEN THOUGH HE TOLD ME ONCE HE KNEW I'D GO ON, AND I'D BE OK WITHOUT HIM. **

Plan A is for YOU. Plan B is FOR YOU. The MB plan works!! It's unfortunate that folks come here with so much pain that they can't keep focused to do what MB advises. It's such wise advice, and would save many BS's sanity, and could even SAVE many more M's.

God Bless,

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

bump

Should the BS tell the WS that there is a time limit to plan A? For example, saying "I have no intention of leaving you, but if things have not improved in 3 months I may need some time away from you."

What do you think?

Double post, sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: ks2001 ]</small>

Should the BS tell the WS that there is a time limit to plan A? For example, saying "I have no intention of leaving you, but if things have not improved in 3 months I may need some time away from you."

not a peep, a squeak, an inkling of such a thing....
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ark

Thank you Ark,

I see some things on there that I have been doing that will stop immediately.

(...like the relationship talk... the sad face..)

I am not living at our home, I only have a small motel room, that I share with my daughter, but when he comes to visit it is clean, serene, comfortable, there is peace and quiet. (The OW's home was dirty and chaotic.)

I had been aproaching his visits as though I was his mistress, or girlfriend. Soft music, clean sheets, no LB's.

It is the phone calls that have been awkward. But last night for the first time in months, when he called he asked about our daughter, and asked me how I am.

Anyway, thank you.

I get it!!!

Shul

bumping for frank

Ark,
This morning I was reading your earlier post to Familymatters and had printed it all out because it was so helpful.

I have been in Plan A for 4 months with few LB's....still some things (eg depression, talking about relationship, yelling and controlling) that WH did would stun me and almost knock me off course. In your post, you described these things as matter-of-fact so now I see them as part of the process and not me failing. I also like that you recommend that everyone set their own Plan A time limit because every one is unique--some can go longer and some shorter.

Really only those that have been through this process understand the experience--family and friends try to help, but there us a much shorter limit to their patience. It helps to come here.

WH left out of town over the holiday--I asked to go along, but he declined. He was not accountable for his time and I even suspected he was with OW. I had a huge build up of anger and once I let that animal out of the cage, it is difficult to regain control. Your post help me to get back on track. I was cheerful when WH called to say he is coming home tomorrow instead of today. He said he might even come by work to see me. Thanks for your post.

bump