My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. He has always told me that if I ever had an affair he would leave me and that would be it. About 6 years ago at a time in our marriage while we were going out to clubs and partying and my husband never dancing with me or paying attention to me and after some problems in our marriage and fights about sex, money etc.. I had a one time affair with a man that I worked with, he then left my place of employemnt and we never saw each other again yet at times he would e-mail me and say Hi or just forward a joke etc.. I had no desire to ever see him again and did not and realized that what I did was the stupidest thing ever, what was I thinking, I would never leave my husband for this guy but he made me feel good, we had a friendship that different and at times I actually could not stand this man, but he paid attention to me. I hid this for 6 years and pushed it down so deep inside me becasue I knew I could nver tell my husband because he would leave and I loved him dearly and did not want that to happen, I pushed this so far down inside me I guess it was like I almost convinced myself that it never happened. Anyway about a year and a half ago my husband found out and confronted me. He knew something was up but not what had happened, he told me that he loved me and if I told him the trth he would forgive me. So I told him the truth and he was devastated which I understand, he indicated that he wold probaby need counseling to get through this and I said I would do whatever I could to help him. He never went for counseling and asked me to have sex 2 weeks later and it was very intimate sex, at that time our daughter was 6 months old and we continued on for the next year and a half soemtines it would bother him and somethimes it would not, I could usually tell when it did. I have told him so many times that I am sorry and I will do anything I can to make it better and I am not even asking him to forget it becasue Iknow that is almost impossible, but I Know those are just words. THings seemed to be OK, we continued to make love, better than ever before, he continued to tell me he loved me and send me cards etc and then last week all of a sudden BAM, he decided that he had to leave me and he could not forgive me. A year and a half he led me on and I asked him how he could sleep with me tell me he loved me and do loving things and all of a sudden decide he could not forgive me?? He said he thought he could but he could not and that allot of the times he was telling me he loved me and doing these nice things with me he was just trying to convince himself that he still loved me and could forgive me. I begged him to go to counseling and he refused. I tried to tell him why I did what I did and he did not care, he would not go to counseling together becasue he said he was not going to let some person told him that he had any part of why I cheated. He still refuses to accept any responsibility. Well now he has agreed to go to counseling for himself to try and see if he can learn to forgive, and says he will go with an open mind but always throws in the " But I really don't think it will work" He says that there is even a part of him that does not want to forgive him. He says he does not hate me and does not want me to hurt but he bly loves me like a sister right now. He has many issues with his childhood that have been left to fester over the 30 years he has been alive and I think that they have allot to do with his unability to forgive me for this. Please tell me if there is any hope?? What can I do?

It is hopeful that he will go to counseling, even though he does not think it will help. Be sure to get a pro-marriage counselor.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thought I was forgiven:
<strong> I tried to tell him why I did what I did and he did not care, he would not go to counseling together becasue he said he was not going to let some person told him that he had any part of why I cheated. He still refuses to accept any responsibility......... Please tell me if there is any hope?? What can I do? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First of all, yes there is always hope. Second, your H should not accept any responsibility for your A because he has not responsibility for it. What your H does need to accept is his part of the reason for the state of your marriage prior to the A. But the decision to have an A was yours and yours alone.
Eric

Wanted to add that during the process of recovery he will probably go back and forth on forgiving you several times. But do not give up hope.
Eric

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: EricM ]</small>

TIWF,
The tone in this response is not meant to be hurtful. It does however ask and make some very tough and pointed questions and comments.

You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A year and a half he led me on and I asked him how he could sleep with me tell me he loved me and do loving things and all of a sudden decide he could not forgive me?? He said he thought he could but he could not and that allot of the times he was telling me he loved me and doing these nice things with me he was just trying to convince himself that he still loved me and could forgive me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BS (males IMHO especially) do try to forgive but have a very difficult time. When he said he loved you during those 18 mos he probably did. BSs do go back and forth between forgiving and anger over the betrayal. That's just the way it is.

I'm going thru those feelings myself. I know that if my wife accused me of "leeding her on" I would come unglued.

I would remind her that if it were not for her betrayal we wouldn't be in the mental mast. of a mess.

BTW, don't second guess yourself for telling th etruth when he suspected. You did the right thing regardless of his "promise." That was a promise he thought he could make but shouldn't have.

Without the truth be on the table your marriage had no chance. When you told the truth, you gave your marriage at least a chance. You also told him right away. You didn't extend the pain by contiuning the lie.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> About 6 years ago at a time in our marriage while we were going out to clubs and partying and my husband never dancing with me or paying attention to me and after some problems in our marriage and fights about sex, money etc.. I had a one time affair with a man that I worked with, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although factual the bolded points can come off as being rationalizations of your behavior. If you use this type of phrasing around your H it can be damaging. Will tell him that it was his fault. That you're really not sorry bc you had good reason.

In your post you say that you constantly tell your H that you are sorry. How do you react when he discusses the A or gets upset over a trigger?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...he was not going to let some person told him that he had any part of why I cheated. He still refuses to accept any responsibility... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nor should he. Did your H contribute to the poor state of the marriage prior to the A? Yes. Should he take any responsibility for the A? Absolutely not. That decision was yours and yours alone. Your H had no say in it whatsoever. You were the one who rationalized your behavior. You told yourself that bc of H's treatment of you it would be OK for you to go & do what you did. All experts agree that As are a specific form of very selfish behavior.

Six years is a long time to lie to someone. My wife lied to me for 2 years and I'm still having trouble with it. Your H is probably questioning everything that happened during that timeframe. Regardless of the fact that it was one time, he may think that you just stayed with him because of some selfish ulterior motive on your part. That you were too afraid of living alone to get divorced. That you were staying bc your financial situation would worsen. That you were staying bc of your daughter {the number one reason FWSs (especially women) stay.}

I didn't see one mention of you loving your H in your post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has many issues with his childhood that have been left to fester over the 30 years he has been alive and I think that they have allot to do with his unability to forgive me for this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I'd turn this question around and ask you what issues that you might have from childhood that told you it'd be Ok to have an affair and then lie about it for 6 years?

Again not trying to be harsh.

cwmac