Can anyone answer this question for me? There were times over this past year and a half when WS treated me horribly. This has been ever since the A. He never was like that before he met OW. It seems like now I am to blame for everything that has ever gone wrong or goes wrong in his life. She is supposedly "everything" and he was so miserable until she came along. Do WS's actually believe this? Is this just guilt? I honestly don't understand and would certainly like to.

It is part of "the fog"--incoherent rationalizations that WS's think.

Some WSs (like me) have a bunch of unresolved problems with the M. The WS builds up a lot of resentment toward BS. When the A is revealed, WS is obnoxious--he/she may feel that he/she had a 'right' to have the A.

Does WS belive OP is the answer to his prayers? Yes, but, she isn't.

In reality, the problem is within WS, not with BS or the M. It is real easy to see this now, 12 or so years after the A, but it is much different when you are right in the middle of the A.

Cyn,

Stop trying to make "sense" of the behaviors exhibited by a wayward spouse during an affair. There is no "sense" in affairs.

Oh yeah Cyn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , From the time I confronted WW about PA with Stevevivalasvegas, she has treated me like dirt. Worse than dirt, more like manure, and there is really no reason for it. Complete rudeness.

Yeah, and SteveVivaLasVegas is really the OM's screen name. Can you believe that hooey! Must be a big Elvis fan.

The WS has to treat us bad. If they thought we were okay, they would have no excuse for the A. So they justify it in their mind, and rewrite the history of the marriage.

and SteveVivaLasVegas is really the OM's screen name. Can you believe that hooey! Must be a big Elvis fan.

Maybe not.
"Viva Las Vegas. Make this Memorial Day Holiday May 28-31, 2004, your lucky Las Vegas Gay Weekend"
Viva Las Vegas is a big gay event is a big gay event they have there.

1TM, I think your WW is unusually nasty. Is she trying to drive you away so she can claim you abandoned your home and family, or something? That seems so sinister, and it seems like so much work.

For the last week or so, my WW seems perfectly oblivious to her cruelty. She writes friendly notes with exclamation points and good wishes, but they all include something that hurts me terribly.

They are whacked out people, that's about the only thing that you can be sure of.

GC

WS cheats and we get treated like crap. I never knew WS could be so mean and nasty. In 13 yrs. not once did he treat me unkind, once he met OW "everything" changed and I was dirt. He more than rewote history. OW is a disgusting crack w****, a former prostitute, I don't think I need to say much more. Yet WS think she's wonderful. He isn't in the fog he is the fog. Do they really believe the garbage they feed us or do they know deep down that it's a lie?

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: Cyn1018 ]</small>

oh, I'm afraid they believe it.

Why? Because in most cases they can.

cwmac

Believer,

And you empathize with us.

Do they believe it because of OP, guilt or what? WS has lied about so much he has to know not everyone will believe him. I suppose he doesn't care. If WS was so unhappy then why didn't he say something sooner? Only when OP comes along to rescue them from such awful BS's do they realize how miserable they were? What a crock of crap!!!

Cyn,

We all know that A's are selfish,disgusting events that change people.So it stands to reason that the way in which they(WS) have been changed,altered,or abducted,changes the way in which they treat others too which is plainly NOT for the better.Look at what they do: lie,cheat,steal,hide,belittle,hurt,abuse,demean,etc,etc.Simple deductive reasoning here from those of us not in the fogbank.

O

Trying to empathize is terribly challenging, but I try.

Today I tried to imagine being the sparrow. Fixated on the OP, with no room in my heart for anything else. Not wanting to deal with the BS at all if possible, maybe nervous about every conversation. The part I can't get my head around is being able to chase an affair when so many people around me are telling me it is a bad thing (e.g., my WW's family and friends) and that I'm crazy.

GC,

It's not possible to know exactly what a WS feels or thinks unless you are one yourself.It's fruitless.They will do whatever they darn well please even if God himself came down out of the heavens and sent a lightning bolt over their heads pronouncing adultery as a sin. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

As Dr.Phil says: "You can't make sense out of nonsense".Simple but true.My WH still to this day continues to plod along on his warped pathway of adultery despite the pleadings of his father,who is a well respected doctor and pillar of the community,etc to stop his bad behavior.When I collapsed in a restaurant many months ago(with my In-Laws and the rest of the family,not WH) due to the pain and stress I was under and knowing that WH was with the homewrecker in Toronto,his father literally wanted to KILL him for what he was doing.That STILL didn't matter to my WH.He is determined to wing it and hope for the best to the detriment of us all.Selfish and cruel.Period.If his family can't get through to him despite me and the children,I don't want him back.

Cyn,

My WH never knew how "unhappy" he was either until the homewrecker with no responsibilities came along.It must be nice to be that free to sporadically dote on a another woman's husband because she doesn't own a home,has no children of her own to attend to or any other responsibilities except driving to and from work.

O

My WW and I have been together 13 years as well and up until the A I told people she was the nicest person I had ever met. Once the A started she was heartless.

When I now tell FWW some of the hurtful things he did to me and our children she honestly says she doesn't even remember. OM was a big druggy too as is your H's OW so that may be part of it but I think part of it is they shut out the memories because they couldn't carry on with the A if they really thought about what they were doing.

Hang in there ande always remember IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!

Is it just the fog? One minute H still loves me and the next he doesn't even want to talk to me. It's so hard when you get left for a disgusting crack w****. (No, I'm not being mean this OW "is" nasty). God to be left for someone like that.

Cyn1018,

I am barely starting recovery myself, so take my words with a little caution.

I sometimes think my WW fell in love with ME!

I mean, we have been married for 13 years and that magic time faded long ago. As it does with everyone. And you grow and change in the M and get responsible. Especially when the kids arrive.

My WW fell for that IN LOVE feeling. The OM is actually similar to me, or the me I was 13 years ago in several respects.

Please, don't get me wrong, I am not saying you used to be a "crack wh0re." But what kind of person were you?

Did you need rescuing and this appealed to your H?

Were you a free-spirit, not needing approval?

When your WH was "head over heels," what was he head over heels over?

Can't get that back. Your not that person anymore and probably don't want to be. But it may EXPLAIN (not EXCUSE) his actions some and give you some peace.

I think your answer lies there.

Or maybe some recent blunt force trauma. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NCWalker

I haven't heard from WS since May. Its painful. I don't know what would be worse, having contact with him and for him to treat me badly or not having contact with him at all.

My WH used to call me at work just to tell me he miss me and can't wait until I get home so he can see me again. Now, I haven't heard from him since Memorial Day.

This was my Prince. He always made me feel like a Princess. Now I feel like a piece of garbage, just thown away without any consideration. My heart is broken in little piece unable to be put back together. Last year at this time we were trying to have a baby, now he is with the OW, and I pray she is not pregnant. That would destroy me, I can't imagine that pain.

Our wedding anniversary in next week. Fourteen years and I feel so alone right now. I'm trying to work on myself, its the only situation I have control of.

I don't know why the WH does what he does. How he can throw away everything we have built, for a married woman who cheats and lies.

I do love him and always will. I know our relationship wasn't a big lie.

The headrush of the WS fog...it knows no boundaries. All the hurt here, all the broken vows and trusts and families...all because of the freakin FOG.

I wonder if any FWS could contribute?

They treat us badly to allieve guilt and to piss us off so that we will hate them. But they have to reckon with the power of MB and the support group here...