I'm new to the site here so forgive me if I don't have all the acronyms down. I just wanted to vent and see if some advice out there could be useful to my situation. I'm not in your typical affair situation. We've been having problems off and on for the last couple of years. WW has some serious depression issues that I wasn't able to successfully deal with (quite unsuccessfully actually not being able to understand the disease it was). She began to feel resented and neglected over the months. Lost her job about nine months ago and took a downward spiral. Tells me she has been contemplating leaving for some time now.

A month ago she was approached by a complete stranger in a bar and he compliments her. She goes ape over this guy because her self-esteem is so low. Two weeks of fighting between the two of us commences where I try to convince her that I want to work on the marriage, I love her and don't want to leave. She won't stop seeing the other guy, though. She says she doesn't know what she wants. I told her I will not file, if she wants a divorce she has to initiate it. Finally two weeks ago I refused to be a homeless person as I don't feel I have done anything so wrong that I should leave my house and pay the mortgage.

So now we are living together in the same house (different rooms) and she is still seeing the guy. She tells me that she's confused and doesn't know what she wants. I try so hard to be loving, but she disappears all weekend and I hardly ever see her. It's not a marriage, but it's not seperation either. The affair obviously isn't secret, but she obviously doesn't want to stop it and won't focus on us (or herself for that matter).

I am so miserable and she doesn't even act like anything is wrong. I've been trying not to provoke her, just love her and not even bring up the situation, but sometimes it's near impossible to hide my hurt.

I know I need to ask her to leave the house, but I'm afraid if I do she's going to demand we divorce and I'll lose her forever. I just don't know how long I should put up with this.

Trampled -

That is how most of us feel. Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link on my signature line.

By the way, welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances. Stick with us, we will help you through this.

I'm not in your typical affair situation.
Sadly, it is very typical to most.

WW has some serious depression issues that I wasn't able to successfully deal with (quite unsuccessfully actually not being able to understand the disease it was).
FYI: Depression is not a disease, it’s a condition.
She began to feel resented and neglected over the months. Lost her job about nine months ago and took a downward spiral. Tells me she has been contemplating leaving for some time now.

Finally two weeks ago I refused to be a homeless person as I don't feel I have done anything so wrong that I should leave my house and pay the mortgage.
Had you moved out or did she ask you to move out?

I know I need to ask her to leave the house,
Not necessarily (not yet anyway).

but I'm afraid if I do she's going to demand we divorce and I'll lose her forever.
Are you happy with the way things are going now then?

Read “Surviving An Affair” by Dr Willard Harley.
Also read the links below.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

She asked me to move out because, in her words, she needed some time alone to think things out. When I discovered that her "alone" time meant time with him I got angry and refused to leave my house any longer. I was furious that he was even at my house.

How can I enter Plan A if she refuses to stop seeing him? She says I've caused so much emotional pain that she doesn't know if she wants to work on our marriage. However, she does know right now that she doesn't want to leave the fantasy. And it's a sick fantasy...she's out at the bars all night, drinking excessively (which does no good when you're on anti-Ds), etc. I keep thinking the bubble has to burst at some point. At the same time she says she hates the idea of a divorce, but I keep waiting for that hammer to fall.

I've basically told her that I refuse to make demands or ultimatums, but I also refuse to give up on our marriage. So I don't demand, I ask her if she would like to do something with me, she says she doesn't know then immediately leaves to be with him...NOTE, she's not "sneaking" off to see him, I ask her and she's at least honest with me about going to see him. I tell her that I love her dearly and will always be there for her if she's in trouble and it bounces off her like I was talking in another language.

I am NOT happy right now, I am absolutely miserable. I have been seeking counsel for myself, I've discovered God through this whole mess and have been going to church (with my bro-in-law no less!) I've also started taking anti-Ds for myself.

It's as if we were roommates and it's killing me. It's not the textbook Plan A as documented by Dr. Harley...would Plan A actions still be warranted in this case? Just show unconditional love and try to be happy and basically make my own life. The only thing she really does with me is go to lunch (she works right next door to me now).

Check out Ark's Plan A thread on this forum. It is great.

The anti-D's will help you. By the way, your wife needs to get a job.

She finally got a job...and get this...she credits it to him. She said he built up her self-esteem and that's what got her job. I think she has this delusion that he is sent from God to "save" her or something. I honestly don't know what she's thinking. She barely talks to me and we still live together!

I'm trying to implement Plan A, but I feel like I'm just enabling her. She has all the luxuries of a family without spending any effort or time and a boyfriend on the side!