I am not really in a plan at all as I did plan B for 9 weeks and then talked with WH only about visitation. I know many of you will say to go to plan B.
We do not currently speak unless it has to do with visitation/divorce proceedings.
I did go to lunch with him to figure out the schedule of when he would have visitation. It was really odd. He treats me like his best friend. He definitely wants to be on my good side.
When I saw him he said: you look good, how are you feeling, is the baby kicking a lot, are you able to paint your own toenails, do you need anything? He also told me about things he was doing.
My question is should I continue the friend talk as a form of Plan A? It seems like D is getting closer and closer. I let him go to my last doctors appointment because he was so clueless as to the fact that I was having contrations and could deliver early. I know he is still deep in the fog and until then not much will matter.

Does WH talk to you about what he's doing with OW?

I've been plan-Aing so well, my WW thinks I'm her buddy. She's emailed me about plans with OM two times now. Cuckoo! Cuckoo! My policy right now is that she gets crickets from me when she contacts me and gives me news that hurts.

After I put down the latest boundary a week ago (NO OM IN MY HOUSE), she was angry at first, then not. I don't know if it was because her mother talked to her about it (she may have), or because the way I did it was firm but not disrespectful.

I worry though; is there such a thing as a too-effective (i.e., guilt-alleviating) plan A? My wife thinks I'm wonderful. But she still doesn't seem to want me.

GC


GC

Durham - I'm really not sure what to tell you, but ever since you resumed contact with WH he just seems to upset you so much and that is heartbreaking. How much can you take? How did you feel in Plan B and how do you feel now? I think the answer to that will give you direction.

I'm glad to see you have made it through another week and I hope you are hanging in there considering the circumstances. My thoughts are prayers are with you.

Dear Durham,

I think you should feel proud of yourself in sticking with Plan B as long as you did. I think you see more respect from H because of your weeks in Plan B.

Other posters have pointed out that the bonding process for H with your son, during the birth process could be important.

Is it possible to be in a plan that is aimed at creating a good bond between father and son, in the time of his birth, but otherwise remaining distant?

Once your son is a week old, and home from the hospital, you could think about switching to plan B more formally.

I like your appraoch, "You are the one who wants the divorce, so you should be the one to file for it."

You mentioned that you had formed a plan in your mind some time ago, to handle H and OW. Is your plan seeming to go as you expected? Can you share any more details of your master plan?

Is OW still bringing him a favorite lunch to work, or has that slowed down?

Blessings

Hi Durham - my knee jerk reaction is to recommend dark Plan B - for your sake.

But please consider consulting with Steve H. or Jen C. Your sitch requires custom consideration, IMHO.

WAT

I'm with WAT on that one. I say Plan B, because I think you were making headway, but then again, the bambino...haaah! It breaks my heart.

Can you call the Harley's for some insights?

durham,

It's no coincidence that the folks here who have the most experience are saying....go dark!!! If you want to be "friends" keep doing what you're doing. If you want to be married...go dark. Very dark.

Added to Wat's suggestion....the coach I recommend is Penny Tupy at saveyourmarriagecentral.com

My heart is breaking for you sweetheart. Contact me personally if you need me. starfish4729@hotmail.com I'm going to the smart marriage conference in dallas tomorrow...but I'll try to pick up email....I'll be back next Tues. hugs!

I endorse Penny, as well. She's had some terrific guest "columnists." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WAT

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

durham - I would put WH on the back burner, and concentrate on you and baby. Glad you are still doing fine. Take care of yourself, and rest. It is too important that you don't get stressed right now.

(((((((((((((((HUGS, durham and baby))))))))))))))

IMHO plan B did a lot of good for me. I didn't have to listen to him and I distanced myself from all of those emotions. The only problem was I had to eventually deal with him. If I were not pregnant I would have stayed in Plan B until D and then not dealt with him much after.
Unfortunately, I have to deal with him because I want him to have a good relationship with his son. His visitation for the first nine months will be solely at my home. I think it is unrealistic to think I won't have to deal with him. I have to face that now. The more I see him the less emotion I have after. That first meeting when he came over unannounced was the worst thing ever.
When I had to start figuring out the details of the visitation and D I tried to be dark but it was worse for me. I went through all of the emotions of what is he going to do. Now I can just talk to him face to face and after that I am done. Having the delay was too much stress.
Thanks for all of your support. I am looking forward to a massage and baby shower tomorrow!