I don't usually engage in online forums like this, but I have been engaged in a "spiritual affair" for the past 6 months. I have been married for 7 years and with my husband for 9 altogether. We have currently live in separate houses (across the street from one another) but we continue to work on our relationship. (strange as that may sound). However, 6 months ago, I met a man at church (which my husband NEVER attended even after I asked numerous times. This man has become a great friend, spiritual advisor, and in fact is someone that I constantly find myself comparing to my husband. I've read all the articles and I realize that this man represents and fills many of my emotional needs that are not being met by my husband. the problem is that it is not specific "things" that this man does or says that has my interest. It is his character. He is a good father to his daughter even though he is divorced and many states away. He flies twice a month just to visit her. My husband can not hold a job, is a control freak, smokes pot daily, has very little in the way of integrity, and I also suspect that he has cheated on me numerous times. Since this is my third marriage, I have been trying so hard to keep things together. I am not having an affair, and I do not think that I want to have an affair with this gentleman in particular, but the friendship does cause me to pause and re-evaluate my husband as a father, leader, and husband. So far, I do not like what I see, but I know that I can not change anyone. That must of course be between my husband and God, but even though he now attends church (out of fear of this friendship I suppose) I still do not see the things that I can admire about a spouse in him. What is the worst is that I don't even know how I missed his lack of character to begin with. I feel foolish and trapped because I do not want another failed marriage. What can I do to find the redeeming qualities in my husband and not focus so much on what he is not. With his drug habit, I'm not sure I can see past the addiction and I know that I am not being a good wife if I just enable him to continue on that self destructive past, but when I point it out to him he is exessively defensive and draws the conversation to over dramatise my flaws so that I leave him alone for fear that I can not get through to him without taking the brunt of his wrath. I am willing to listen to any advise offered.

Hello Tami,

Welcome to MB.

If I may suggest first,what have you done to look within YOURSELF as to why you are now on your third marriage? It seems to me that you are still looking for an answer in other's that you behold.

This subject has been touched upon a few times since I have been here but I believe that in many cases,what we have not been able to deal with in our childhoods comes back to face us as adults.This means that we consciously or subconsciously choose partners that are familiar to us and this can mean good partners or even those with problems,even serious ones.

For example,a woman might repeatedly choose a man who is abusive in some way if that is what she is familiar with in her life,what she was brought up around and what she has learned.It isn't the best choice of course,but until she realizes that she has work to do and make changes in herself and deal with her past to confront these "demons" that history repeats itself until the value and worth of her life becomes most important to her.

As cliche as it sounds,happiness is found within.Until you stop looking for it in other's,it is an endless game of trying to find the "perfect" partner,or one who understands you ,etc,etc.

Now,this is just one view.Whatever type of affair you think you are having or not having is still a red flag that things are not right in your life,your marriage and your relationships with men.So in my opinion,I would suggest some counsleing with both a MC and an IC for you to begin.

Don't believe that the answer again resides within another man that you are having a "spritual" affair with.I really don't buy that rationalization because that's all it is you know.That man that you speak of is also divorced and most likely has his own set of problems under all the superficial actions you see before you.Don't be fooled by that train of thought.

I would also hasten to add that you should cease all contact with the OM(other man) until you clean up your own backyard,ok?

O

Stop now, divorce your husband, and then seek out whatever "spiritual" relationship that moves you - but not this slime ball.

Please re-read your post.

You claim your H has no integrity, but you're willing to seek comfort with a man who knows you're married? And you claim he has "character"?

Tami - you've got two losers in your life. This is twice worse than one loser.

Raise your standards.

Well I guess I have given you the wrong idea. I am NOT having an affair. I have a friendship, not comfort and the friendship is purely platonic. I already know the garbage that is in my back yard so I won't go into detail or explainations of my marriages, let's just say I did have a great amount of garbage in the yard which I have been clearing away for about the last 1 1/2 years. If you see from my initial e mail, my husband and I live in separate houses due to his control, substance abuse, failure to take responsibility and his aversion to actual work. My point was that I can see that there are men out there of better moral character than H. Now that I am cleaning my yard, I see that I am well on my way to living my nightmare....the one where I turn into my mother. Her second marriage is (for the past 25 years) to an emotionally and psychologically abusive and controlling man with an aversion to an actual job. My problem is that I do NOT want to live that out, and I am at a loss to find strong conviction of principles, values and character in H and I wonder if it will ever be possible to feel for him what I once did. I label this "thinking of another" but it isn't a particular person, I could replace H (in my mind) with anyone and see more hope. I don't want to give up on my marriage, what I am looking for is advice on how he could fill my love bank again short of completely changing himself (which I certainly don't see happening). Both the Lord and I know that someone "new" would only represent other problems (we all have them and there is no getting away from them) so no... I am not looking for a perfect man to fullfill all my fantasies. I am not looking to replace H anyway, and if it ends up that my backyard cleanup means he and I no longer have a future, I would certainly wait a long while before dating....and it would more than likely NOT be my friend. He does have his own set of problems, although dating married women is NOT one of them. We do not date, comfort, make out, kiss or anything like that.... we speak on the phone only, and I do not even attend the same church anymore...not for the advised NC but for denominational reasons. The only reason he was mentioned was because knowing that there are single men of priciple and character are out there.... I find myself comparing the two. As I said, I KNOW that this man represents what my husband is lacking (not perfection). It's just that H is lacking some very essential qualities and I don't know if I can go back to being naive enough to think that smoking pot, not working, being hyper-critical of everyone, and lacking any sense of responsibility for ones own life and short-comings is "not that important" as long as "we love each other".???

Tami,

I don't think the solution is to stay married to your H eternally despite everything.You obviously have a great deal on your plate to sift through.Your "friendship" with this OM may not be of the A type YET but it always amazes me how we find these friendships with the opposite sex in times of trouble which can lead to inappropriate acts.That's all I am saying.We assume you are here to help salvage your marriage since that is exaclty what this site proposes to do.

Like many of us here,we are giving it our all after the trauma of infidelity but there is no set time limit that we must stay with our spouses.At some point,if you are truly unhappy and you have tried your best to mend your marriage and worked on yourself and sought professional help,etc,there is a time when you can move on.I think all of us here would agree that a marriage is a special bond between two people and deserves the full chance it can get before ending it.You and only you will be able to decide when you have had enough.Just be able to look back and say that you did your best so you will never have any doubts or regrets,ok?

O