Its 1:43 AM. I should be in bed getting some sleep but I really need to talk. I'm crying right now. Feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. Struggling with staying sober one day at a time and trying, wanting, desperate to rebuild what was once a beautiful marriage.
I'm not sure I'm strong enough.
I hate sleeping alone. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. She left almost a year ago. But some nights I still fall asleep, crying into her pillow. I wish I could undo all the mistakes I made and the pain I caused her.
I wish her EAs had never happened. I wish she had never left.
So, I go on trying to love her from a distance. Praying for direction from God and the courage and strength to follow it. Praying for her safety and health. Wanting her to be happy and wanting to be part of that happiness.
I want us to be back together. Working, playing laughing and loving as husband and wife again.
God, please give me the strength to go on.

<small>[ July 07, 2004, 12:53 AM: Message edited by: dreid ]</small>

dreid - Unfortunately there is no chat line here. Sorry for all you are going through. Please know that there are many of us in the same position.

Thank you believer. Knowing I am not alone in this is helping me stay sane.

Well stick with us, and we will help you get through this. It certainly is not easy, but can be done. Life will be good again - believe that.

believer, if you replied much faster this would be a chat line.
lol

Welcome to the late night club. I am off work for this week and love to stay up late.

Are you in some kind of a program, like AA?

More people hear your pain than what you realize dreid. And understand. And care.

No, MB does not have a chat room. Occasionally you'll see a post inviting the ladies to "Ladies Chat" but it is not a MB recognized chat room. It is a separate site set up by a long time female member when a few topics posted were alittle too much for some members. And for ladies only.

When you are having a low night,,when you need someone to talk to,,do exactly what you just did. Post. 36,000 members all over the world and someone is sure to be awake. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

believer - I spent 12 weeks in a recovery home for alcoholics from Oct. 7 to Dec. 28, 2002. I am now a member of A. A. and attend meetings there. Not nearly as many meetings as I would like but with 2 jobs, raising a 17 year old son and trying to rebuild my marriage I often don't have the time I would like to have.

I would still fit the meetings in somehow. They even have on-line meetings.

Tell us more about your wife. How often do you see her?

Also check out Ark's post on Plan A. It is very good.

I'm usually up! lol.. I'm always up. Welcome to MB.. some days are hot, and some are not.. (I out of all people should know) see when you are feeling down, I know fOR SURE someone is always there to listen. There were times that I stay here until 5 am and still had someone to talk to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It makes you sorta forget or feel like you're doing something.....its comforting... and the queen (beleiver) will not go without giving a helping hand.. she's and angel to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My wife just e-mailed me. She is coming over to see me this afternoon. Don't know why.

Time to check out and memorize Ark's post on Plan A on this forum. She explains exactly how you can act to give your marriage the best chance.

Hi all
Well, W called and asked if our son and I would like to have lunch with her. Of course I said yes. She said she would explain what's been going on. Immediate knot in my stomach. She said it was nothing bad. I always expect the worst.
She picked us up and in the car and over lunch she explained that she has been sick for the last two weeks. Sunstroke two weeks ago led to a cold which led to bronchitis which led to a doctor's visit. That led to tests on her bowel and a chest x-ray. When she called this morning she was just leaving the hospital after the tests.
She seems to be getting over the worst of it all and seemed upbeat.
During conversation the subject of groceries came up. We each mentioned things we needed and she offered to take me to get what I needed. I accepted her offer and we went to the local Wal-Mart, where I happen to work. As we arrived there I saw a woman I used to work with and stopped to visit with her. Really did want to chat with her. Also thought W should see me with friends she doesn't know. Sort of showing her I am getting on with my life.
W took our son and bought him some new jeans. While I was shopping I picked up some cough drops for W. No big deal, just wanted to show her I am paying attention and willing to do for her a little.
In the car on the way back we were talking about clothes. I mentioned I hadn't been wearing shorts yet this summer because the ones I have don't fit anymore. W offered to take them in for me. I agreed to let her do that. Felt like I hadn't asked. She had offered and I should accept whatever she was willing to give.
She went back to her place, obviously tired and I didn't stay in the car dragging out the goodbye like I usually do.
So, no demands, no relationship talk, no "I love you's" (OK I was thinking it, but I didn't say it)
Did I do OK?

Last week I had an appointment with MC. He wanted to meet with each of us individually and I had the first of those meetings. I booked an appointment for the two of us for next week. Offered to let W take it as her single appointment if she wanted. She wanted to know how it went with me first before she decided. I was honest with her. Told her it was difficult meeting for me. But I was glad of the result. Didn't go into what we had talked about. She decided to take the appontment I had booked for herself. I agreed.
What do you think? Am I on the right track?

Yep, you are on the right track. Now quickly read Ark's post about how you should be in Plan A.

Your life does need to go on, wife or no wife. Please get moving.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong>
Your life does need to go on, wife or no wife. Please get moving. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree. Life goes on. I think I am getting on with my life. I am often consumed by the desire to get my wife back home beside me, but in the past year I have a new job, new friends and my interests and priorities have changed.
Is there something I have said that makes you think I am not getting on with my life?
I'm looking for whatever insight you have to give.

Thanks

Saturday morning.
Since I found MB and done some reading here I have really tried to back off and stop Love Busting. No demands, no anger and no disrespect.
She has said in the past that I smother her with messages and e-mails. So no uneccesary messages from me, just leaving the door open for her. The only times I have initiated in the last week or so is to let her know about phone messages or mail that I recieve here for her.
All of a sudden she is initiating. I already posted about lunch together on Wednesday. Thursday 2 voice mails from her. Friday, instead of altering the shorts that are too big she bought me a new pair. Delivered them here while I was sleeping after a midnight shift. This morning picking me up after work to give me a lift home. Told me if I liked the shorts she bought me yesterday she will get me some more.
Things feel very positive right now.
One surprise. She told me this morning a girlfriend has invited her to go to her place for a visit the end of this month. W wants to take our 17 year old son with her. My suspicions kicked in right away. I don't believe W would do anything wrong with our son with her. He is old enough to make his own decisions. I want to just take this at face value but the voices are nagging me. I don't want this suspicion in my life and I don't believe anything is wrong with her wanting to do something with our son while he is on summer vacation from school. I have to just keep steering the course and believe the right things will happen.

David

Well that sounds good. Stay in Plan A. If you get where you may love bust, come here to vent.

I said the part about moving on with your life, because I put my life on hold. When I was going through what you are now, I did nothing but obsess about WH and OW. It is a waste of time.

W came over this afternoon. She did buy me more shorts.
I asked her if she could stay and visit for a while. She said she'd sit on the front porch with me for a few minutes. It almost felt like she didn't want to be alone in the house with me.
We chatted for a while. I was feeling a little down about some money problems I am having and she could see it. She asked what was wrong and I told her.
It was so hard being with her today. I have so much love to give her. I just wanted to take her in my arms, kiss her and tell her how much I love her. I felt like I shouldn't do that though. I felt like that would push her away. So I waited until she was driving away and couldn't hear me to say "I love you."
I sent her an e-mail about something or other, just some message I had to pass on. At the bottom of it I typed "I love you." But I made the font so small you can't read it. I'm sure she won't even notice.
How do I keep on doing this? Loving her with everything I have and feeling like I can't tell her.

Am I pitiful or what?

We are all pitiful when we first start the MB program. But you will get stronger and stronger. Are you taking care of yourself, and doing things to raise your self-esteem?