SVB,

Our lifestyle can pollute our relationship. The book I am currently reading is called "Our love is too good to feel so bad" by Mira Kirshenbaum. It is a step by step guide to help identify and eliminate the love killers in Your relationship.

I am finding it extremely informative. One chapter is " When everyday living pollutes Love"
Issue: Have the presssures and distractions of your daily life eroded your relationship to the point of causing serious, potentially permanent damage?"

I believe the end of your classes in 3 weeks will bring a new beginning> Perhaps you should plan a weekend away as a celebration.

Have you installed the spyware. You need to think about how you are going to deal with the situation if you find inconclusively that your husband is or has been engaging in an affair.

All the best. Thinking of you

Anne

IFG,

That book sounds really good. I am going to put that on my list of books to read when I'm done with my classes. I can't wait!

The trip away sounds really good, too. I am going to suggest that to my H. I think he will like the idea. I think I'd like to spend the weekend at the beach.

It will be a couple of days before I can install the spyware. Since I don't want my H to find out about it I can't charge it to my credit card and download it instantly. I have to order it by mail and send a money order. They will then email me a link to download the software. By the end of the week I should have it installed. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I listened to my voice activated recorder yesterday and heard something else really sad. My H called his niece in South America (29 year old daughter of favorite sister.) He told her that if his transfer to Europe comes through before December, he wants her to come visit him because he does not want to spend Christmas alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

That means he still plans on going alone and his neice knows all about this, too.
It makes it seem so final.

Ugh. This breaks my heart again and yet I have to remain upbeat and positive because I have to go wake him up in a half an hour.

How are you doing, BTW? How is your M at this point and how are your children?

svb

SVB

I am sorry to hear that he still is speaking about going to Europe on his own. I would be initiating speaking to him about going to Europe with him. Which country may he be sent to. Go and buy some books or get some from the library. do some research and show some interest. Do not ask if you will be going. Assume you will be going and speak about it in that way. Along with giving notice for wour work and your enthusiasm of living in Europe etc

As regards my marriage. My husband is absolutely wonderful. To describe what occurred in his own words, "it was an internet addiction" There was an adrenaline rush in getting an email. When reality set in, he immediately emailed her and told her it was over. As I was dedicating myself to my daughter and son at the time, I was not emotionally available to him.

My daughter is doing very well and has overcome any anorexic tendencies . She is a very good student academically. My son did not end up having tumours but rather a chronic infection causing swelling.

We are all doing very well.

work on the we are moving and going to Europe. Speak about it in the "WE"

All the best,

Anne

IFG,

I am glad to hear that you are doing well.

My H would like to get transferred to Germany. Though I am really tempted to ask him if he wants me to go to Germany with him, I have not done that. Instead, as you suggested, I am acting as if I WILL be going. The other night I asked him that if the transfer to Germany comes through, what would I do there? He didn't seem to really want to talk about it, but he said that maybe I could get a job on a US military post. (I am ex-military) So, I still don't know what to think of all of this. Does he want me to go, or is he just stringing me along until the time comes and then he just goes by himself?

Yesterday I bought him some German beer as a surprise and put some in the refrigerator. He didn't seem too thrilled about it, though. This morning when I first saw him, all he said was "why did you buy so much beer?" He seemed annoyed.

I guess I just have to take this a day at a time.

svb

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

I'm feeling pretty down today.

I'm feeling really neglected by my H. He came home from work this morning and ate breakfast and then slept on the couch all morning until I had to leave at 2pm to meet my group for a school project. Usually, during the week when I am at work, he comes home from work and watches tv and is wide awake until somewhere between 12:30 and 2:30PM. He always sounds like he is in a good mood. I hear him laughing at the tv and singing, etc. I hear this all on my recordings. No, but when I am home he sleeps all day. I just feel like he is avoiding me. He was really crabby when I tried to talk to him, too. He just seemed to not want me to talk to him or touch him. Of course, after I left this afternoon, he woke up to eat something and drink a couple of beers (the German beers). I saw the dishes and the bottles. Now he is sleeping again in our bedroom until he goes to work.

I'm also upset, too, because he has to work tonight. Normally he is off on Sunday and Monday nights. Instead, this week, he is off Monday and Tuesday night. I think he has some sort of plans on Tuesday. I heard him make an eye appointment for Monday morning. They must have asked him about Tuesday, and he said that he can't make it on Tuesday. On Tuesday, I have to work and I have a final paper and presentation due in class. There is no way I can do any surveillance. I've already taken too many days off so far just to stake out the house (with no results). I have to wait a while before I can do that again.

Maybe he will be in a good mood when he wakes up. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

svb

Baby Steps. He did reply that you could take a military job. He did not ignore you - positive sign.

What sort of work does your husband do that requires him to be working evenings. My friends husband used to say that he was working back late when in fact he was with his OW>

Have you checked your finances? I do not want to alarm you but if he is thinking of going to Europe without you, you may want to check bank accounts etc. Can he withdraw or transfer money without your knowledge.

Keep your wits about you but most importantly look after yourself. It does sound that you have a very heavy workload- working fulltime and studying. Do you have hired help for the house. If not,consider employing someone to help and so relieve some of the stress for both of you.

Soldier on and take it easy.

God Bless You

Anne

Anne,

My H works in retail. Usually, managers have to be there overnight to supervise the unloading of trucks and the stocking of the shelves. They usually rotate having to work overnight. It usually lasts 3-6 months. So, it's pretty legitimate.

Also, regarding our finances, I am the one who controls our finances. My H doesn't want to bother with it. He hates balancing the checkbook, etc. So, I haven't noticed anything. If I didn't know already exactly what was coming in and going out, I would definitely be checking into it.

I have one positive thing to mention. My H did ask me last night when the last day of my class is (July 29). I told him and mentioned that I want to CELEBRATE when I'm done, since I didn't get to go to the graduation ceremony. I suggested maybe a long weekend trip. I think he might have been thinking the same thing, or something else.
This morning he called me at work to ask where I usually go on-line to book our vacations. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> I didn't ask why, though.

We'll see what happens.

svb

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

svb,

Your post brought a smile to my face. I was very pleased to read that he is thinking of going away together when you finish your classes.

Perhaps, he is not having an affair. I have read your other posts. The condom wrappers could have been from a past liason with yourself. We use condoms sometimes and sometimes not as I am not on any contraception. My husband or I may sometimes open a condom and not use it or I might feel that I have damaged the condom when I have opened the wrapper and dont want to use it just in case it breaks and so I open another one. Seeing a condom wrapper at home would not send alarm bells for me. The unaccounted time at the airport is really no big deal.

Do you really think that if he was having an affair, he would take the risk of bring the OW to your house. Neighbours etc .

It is prudent to be aware of the possibility. Other signs to consider are: Is he looking after himself physically more so than in the past. Is he concerned about his appearance/Clothes/ Works out . Has his sexual appetite changed.

He may not be having an affair but just may be dissatisfied with his life in general. It does sound like you both work very hard. Need to stop and smell the roses.

all the best and God Bless

Anne

Hello Anne,

About the affair, I don't know, I get so confused about it all. My gut tells me its likely. His sexual appetite has decreased as well, which is a bad sign. Although I have read somewhere else that it could mean that he is bored with our sex life. I am still going to snoop as much as I can. Maybe I will not turn up anything, and I can forget about this. If it is occurring, it could also die out, as you and Harudah have mentioned before. It seems already that the incidents that cause me concern are occurring less frequently. Like I said, I will continue to snoop and work on myself and the marriage.

I came home late last night, after 9pm. I had to meet with my group after work to finish preparing for our presentation tonight in class. My H was sleeping on the couch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I did not get to talk to him at all. I went to sleep, and at times I woke up and heard him moving around and watching tv downstairs. He never came to bed. When I got up this morning, he was sleeping on the couch again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I couldn't even switch my voice-activated recorder because he did not budge from that couch! I feel as if he is avoiding me, but I have to keep thinking that it is difficult for him to have to work nights.

I did see that he printed out some information on vacation resort locations from the computer. The papers were sitting on the desk. But again, since he was sleeping, I didn't get to talk to him about this.

I sent him an e-mail from work, though, just to say hello and that I hate our schedules and that I miss him. I told him that I can't wait for my classes to end. I hope it wasn't too smothering.

Oh well, I'm still trying to make it one day at a time.

svb

<small>[ July 13, 2004, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>