I previously posted this in Plan A/Plan B on 7/6/04:

Hello, I am another lost soul who has just recently come across this site. I find it to have very good, wise, and useful information. I am hoping to use some of this information to help keep my marriage together.

My story: One month ago I suspected my wife of seven years (happy years I thought) to be having an affair and confronted her. Yes, it was true; she had been seeing someone for about a month. After a couple days we started talking and she said she did not know what she wanted to do (try to work it out or leave me and continue with him). She also said that she had been thinking of leaving me for quite a while before the affair. She was bored in our relationship and needed more excitement and attention in her life.

Since that time, I guess I have been sort of Plan A-ing it, but not doing a real good job. I try to understand why she wanted to leave and express that I want to work on these things, but it isn’t going anywhere. I guess she is either in withdrawal and not yet ready to respond to my efforts or maybe she really hasn’t ended the affair, plus I have not always been entirely pleasant to be around since I found out (no displays of anger, but not always pleasant). For the past couple weeks, she has been staying with a girlfriend overnights (so she says, I have not been able to verify it yet) and seeing the kids during the days while I am at work. On a positive note, she has recently said that she is willing to try and work it out with me and get some counseling, but that she really feels we need to separate in order to do it. She feels a need to “be independent for a while” and live her own life. I have offered to give her space and privacy when we are at home together, but she says that isn’t what she wants and thinks that nothing will actually change if she doesn’t leave soon.

She has one child (11) from a previous marriage and we have a 6 year old together. So I wonder why the need to separate in order to work it out. Seems like it would be rough on the kids and more hassle than it is worth to separate if there is the possibility that she really wants to work it out and we get back together. Am I missing something? Is she (or I) not being rational, or do you think she really hasn’t ended the affair and wants to continue that while “trying” to work it out? Am I being paranoid here? Am I trying to fix things too soon?

I really want to try and work it out, and have been trying extra hard to be more positive and pleasant to be around. I guess I just don’t understand this “need” if she really wants to work it out.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

welcome to Marriage Builders, I am sorry you are here. Your W is still in the affair and wants to separate so she can carry on the affair unimpeded. If she wanted to work on the marriage, she would come home. She can't exactly work on the marriage if she is not there.

I think your best bet is to go into Plan A and do everything in your power to END THE AFFAIR. You don't make it easy for her by giving her space and privacy which only make it easier to carry on her affair.

Instead, you expose her affair to the whole world and make it as uncomfortable as possible for her to carry on. It is not easy to carry on an affair when all the secrecy is removed.

So find out who this OM is and tell his W, his employer, his family, your family, her family and all your friends. That will make her affair very uncomfortable and often hastens it end.

But the WORST thing you can do is help them HIDE their affair. If you do that, you essentially become an accessorie to the crime and contribute to your own demise. Don't do that!

Is the OM married? Who is he? What does he do?

Secondly, please stop all lovebusters such as demands, angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, crying pleading or whining. Try to meet her needs as much as you are able. What need do you think the OM is meeting that wasn't met at home?

A good book that would be very helpful is Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. You can order it from this website and they have very fast, cheap shipping.

I think that it is selfish and very scary for the children for a grownup to "need to seperate"..

I think it is cruel infact...

I try to understand why she wanted to leave and express that I want to work on these things, but it isn’t going anywhere.

what's not going anywhere...
your efforts
or her response...
cause these are two different things...
infact plan a calls you to continue ALL efforts inspite of her response or lack there of...

that you don't throw out a few lines and when she doesn't respond you withdrawal....
it's the opposite...
plan a is learning to do with NO expectation of any type of reaction....

so how is YOUR plan A going....

plus I have not always been entirely pleasant to be around since I found out (no displays of anger, but not always pleasant).

you want to get her attention..

BE PLEASANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do you see the power in being pleasant...right now she expects to only encounter...
grumpy miserable lost at (and lostat this is not a personal attack your feelings of sadness are perfectly understandable this is not to deny but it is to show you the counterproductiveness...

your being unpleasant serves her in the following ways...

1. it solidifies that YOU will never get over what she has done

2. It throws her actions in her face which is something she needs to face..but she can't change them...and if she can't see any signs of hope from you...then she will continue to hide...

3. she expects you to be unpleasant it is familiar territory to her and you by now...and you two can just continue down the same cycle and path of this way...

4. even thought buried in denial she KNOWS that what she has done is wrong...and if you can't show that she can be forgiven..(and I am not saying just forgive) but if you offer no hope of forgiveness how does she move on and away....

be pleasant and accomplish the following...

1. get her attention....she expects misery..show her upbeat happy lostat and she's gonna wonder who or what is making you happy....

2. be pleasant and show her that you two can be in the same room without a huge cloud of misery all the time...

can you start to see the power you have...take all the focus off of her and put it back on you...

find a counselor today....
now

a pro marriage counselor....
not a feel good findyourself wacko you deserve happiness no matter the cost counselor... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Start doing things with the kids that is fun and upbeat and invite her along...when you come home from work and she is there say me and the girls are going ........ and would love if you came...

go even if she refuses...

in the morning when she comes over if the girls are up have music playing and dance in the kitchen with them...

show her the reality of what she is missing in "finding herself"...gag-me...

the fact that she so lightly takes her second marriage pisses me off...the playing around with childrens safety and need for permanence is sad..but that is neither here not there...

plan something fun on the weekend and invite..
fill the house with smell of pancakes and bacon...

have her "watch" the girls on the weekend and you go "out" with no real explanation as to where YOU are going...

a little turning of the tables.
a little finding yourself of you own..
which does not mean I am recomending a date or anything for you...but she expects you at home pining and wallowing for her..
quit doing it...
and plant the thought that is NOT what you are doing....

bring her home a favorite dessert and just leave it for her on her car..

be charming
be up beat
ARK

I am in a very similar situation, except my wife is here, but not here, if you know what I mean. She is here physically, but a lot of the time she is just non-emotional, sits and reads, ambivalent to everything around her. I also have been plan Aing, but I stink at it. I'll do good for a while, and then my need for affection and reassurances get the best of me and I go to her and most of the time come away more depressed than before. She offers very little, if any help to me emotionally.

But, I've been a sad sack too. Trying to plan A, but doing a poor job.

I read Ark's response, wow, that was great. I've copied and pasted it to keep it and re-read it.

God Bless