I am ending a long-term affair and I'm having a really hard time dealing with, what I guess are, withdrawals. I am consumed with thoughts of the man I was with. A few weeks ago I ended it and told him not to contact me anymore, I was fine with that and I wasn't obsessing about him. After almost 3 weeks of no contact, he emailed me and I made the mistake of answering the email. We emailed back and forth for a few weeks, now he hasn't written to me in almost three weeks again and I've been miserable trying to not write him and thinking about him 24/7. The reason I was finally able to end it a few weeks ago is I found out that my husband had been having a relationship with a woman outside of our marriage for several years. This seemed to finally make it click with me how ridiculous we were both being. Both of us leading secret lives and both of us miserable trying to keep our secrets. When I found out about him I had the strength and clarity of thought to end my affair. I think I'm addicted to having affairs however, and I want to know if I will ever get past this.

Kd -

First off welcome to MB. I'm sorry you need to be here but the truth is if you want to change your life and stop hurting those around you this is the place to be.

Some other more experienced people should see this soon and will offer you more sound advice. I am in recovery from my FWH's A.

I think you need to provide more information on your situation. Have you told your H about your A? Does your H know about your A? Was your OM a co-worker? Have you read the articles on the site? Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley? If not, buy this book today. Do you want to save your M?

You and your H will find a great deal of support on this site. You will have to commit yourself to MB concepts and to your M.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, my husband knows about my affair. He didn't know that we had stayed in contact after the affair supposedly ended. No, he's not a coworker, he's not someone from my everyday life at all so there's not chance of us running into each other. My husband found out about my affair about a year ago. At this time he didn't confess that he'd been having his own affair, I just recently found out by chance because I had been suspicious for awhile. I kept telling myself I had a guilty conscious and that I was overly suspicious. Yes, I want to save my marriage. He says he wants to save it too but he doesn't seem to understand that there's work to be done here. He thinks if we both stop seeing other people that things will be fine. I think in addition to stopping we have to figure out why we both looked elsewhere for our needs to be met. I have read everything on the MB site and only came to the discussion forum because I have been having such a horrible time with withdrawals.

Check out the "moving forward" thread, started by runawaypot. There is a whole gang of wonderful women here going through the same thing you are.

I think I'm addicted to having affairs however, and I want to know if I will ever get past this.

I just want to address this sentiment and implore you to ponder and explore it a little deeply...

I have a hard time with the word addiction used to explain or for some justify their misguided actions of an affair...

an affair is such a unfair relationship for all parties involved at such a high high cost of pain for some that remain truly innocent ie children especially.....

To say you are addicted to having affairs and that is why you do it...
doesn't address the reality of those actions...

the using and involvement of your emotions AND those of the OP...

the risk of damage to so many people all in the name of feeding your addiction...

your OP....stands/stood to hurt his wife very deeply...all in the name of you being addicted to the attention...

and that if you use the word addiction it just belittles your OP as to not having much more meaning than a fix to you.....

and even more so belittles his family and children...that in the name of your addiction all others be damned...it makes you feel good....

If i am addicted to heroin in theory I can use it without it directly damaging anyone else...

though there is certainly peripheral fallout and damage to those that care about it..
I can do heroin alone...

but for you to have an affair to feed your addiction directly involves the misuse of other people...

yourself
your husband
your op
and his family....

sad it is...

when you look at the hurt you cause..
do you still see it as an addiction..

this is a challenge
cause if you really want to change..
you can't be a victim...
you must be active

this is not a judgement or an attack
I am asking you to go deeper than some pop-psyche-babble term loosely applied to every vice from food to "love"...

and for you to really say if you are powerless or not....

begin your soul searching here..

ark

kdg,

If you haven't, block the OM's email address so there's no surprise contact. The obsessive thoughts will diminish over time and the emotional pain will ease. Not having him in your everyday life it a blessing, but it's really hard at first so do anything you can to keep to NC (no contact). Time and distance will help the withdrawals. Can you talk to your husband about how you're feeling?

Ark, I'm really not sure why you think your response would be appropriate to my posting. You know nothing about me or my life, you had no way of knowing if "challenging" me would be something I could handle at this time. Maybe you need to question your own motivation for sending such a response. I was asking for advice about getting through this time because it's been so hard to cut off contact and I am determined to stop having an affair.

I don't feel like Ark was attacking you. Sometimes the truth hurts. I can assure you that your pain from losing the OM is only a small fraction of the pain that your husband feels as a betrayed spouse. The only wat to get over the pain is to end all contact with the OM completely. There will be a period of withdrawal, but it will pass. Just like I had to quit smoking cold turkey, you will have to stop contact with the OM cold turkey.

I understand the pain my husband is going through because he had an affair also, so I'm on both sides of it.

A are very addictive, the excitement, the new feeling, the secrecy, the adrenalin.

Much like an addiction your H and you have both been caught up into the lifestyle. Thinking like it is a drug, if you both sobered up, what precautions would you take to remain sober.

Get into MC.
Be 100% accountable to each other.
Share passwords and secret accounts.
Expose your A to others so they can help you stay accountable.
Get into IC.

Take the EN questionnaire and find out how your M could have been prone to an A. What EN's was your H not meeting of yours, and what EN's were you not meeting of your H's.

What can you do to get over the withdrawal?

And, welcome!!

kdg--this board has a private area just for people breaking out of affairs. The overall approach there is less judgmental.

web page

MB has been a great learning experience for me. It has helped me understand myself a lot better, what I believe and what I need to do, but it's not the place for me to work on my issues. It sounds like you're at a crossroads, and I hope you find what you need (here or elsewhere) to support you as you move forward. Facing hard truths about yourself is difficult. It really helped me to have the support of a good friend and counselor as I went through my transition. My biggest piece of advice it to not go through the withdrawals alone. Take care or yourself.

Thank you, De Novo and Stillhere. I haven't found that thread for the private chat, yet. My husband and I have taken the EM questionaire. We did identify areas to work on but my husband is a person who really would rather ignore things in the hope the problem will go away. He has never really identified a reason for his affair. I believe he does want the marriage to work but he has a difficult time with emotions and admitting there is a problem.

Thank you, De Novo and Stillhere. I haven't found that thread for the private chat, yet. My husband and I have taken the EM questionaire. We did identify areas to work on but my husband is a person who really would rather ignore things in the hope the problem will go away. He has never really identified a reason for his affair. I believe he does want the marriage to work but he has a difficult time with emotions and admitting there is a problem.

Click on the discussion forum, and the third forum down is called "Reclamation." You'll need to email to receive permission to read and post.