Yesterday was the appointment with the MC. Since I could not get a sitter and my W is still on pain meds post knee surgery, I went to the MC alone.

The MC suggested that I have been trying to fill the desire to be loved by my mother via my W. My first reaction was to say "NO, that’s not true". However, if I am honestly working on myself, I need to ponder the idea some more. She further suggested that in my desire to have an "us", my wife may feel that she lost her "I". She has suggested that maybe my W’s loss of "I" was the trigger for the EA.

What do you think?

Are you spying on my wife and me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is exactly the same observation the MC discovered with our relationship and I see it too. My W had an online/phone EA (I think so, but she doesn't). My W felt she lost her identity or self. Do you have a "child centered" family? This is an observation of our relationship. My two sons are very active and demanding of time with my W. They litterly exhaust her. I think this was also a contibuting factor. I agree that I have "baggage" and need to work on myself, which I am. But I think this was only a portion of the whole issue.

Can you provide some more details of your situation? I would like to know more.

Thanks for this post.

Just_Friends_NOT

Sorry for the duplicate.

<small>[ July 07, 2004, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: Just_Friends_NOT ]</small>

About 2 years ago my W started an online/phone EA with her first BF from HS. During the EA I was at first laid-off and then when I got a job, 3 months later, I began working 12+ hours a day. I hardly saw my W or kids. We have 4 very active kids and very little support of family or friends. For that matter we have no friends.

We moved from CA to PA because of a good job, the same one that I got laid-off from. During out time in PA we have not made any friends. We don't go out much and it seems almost impossible to get a sitter. We have 40K+ in consumer debt that just added to our problems.

I think we both lost our identity. My W lost hers to the kids and home. I lost mine to work. I would love to get out of the endless cycle of just surviving and go back to making a life.

My W thinks the answer is to go back to CA. However, that is where the OM lives and although my W is in NC, I think the risk is too big. Anyway, I feel that if we can't solve our problems where we are moving wont change anything.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just_Friends_NOT:
<strong> Are you spying on my wife and me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, and stop copy-catting my problematic life! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 07, 2004, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: zippyTWM ]</small>

Hey, Just_Friends_NOT, you never responded. Are you still around?

Zippy,
Sounds like your MC buys into the codependency theory.

FYI Harley thinks its BS.

I believe this concept basically says that spouses have affairs bc they've lost themselves in the "us." Each individual spouse is too dependent on the other ie codependent. They need their space. This MC may suggest that the two of you give each other "space." May even suggest one of you move out. (Maybe you already are)

If I were you the little hairs on the back of my neck would be standing straight up. Be very careful. If i were in your shoes I'd call MC w/out spouse on the line and ask MC how (s)he feels about codependency.

Mac

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cwmac:
<strong>...I believe this concept basically says that spouses have affairs bc they've lost themselves in the "us." Each individual spouse is too dependent on the other ie codependent.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The MC is not advocating anything like that. The MC said that my W might have felt a loss of identity because she was running on an endless cycle of managing the house, kids and me. So rather than confront me with her feelings she ran back to an old relationship from a simpler time (ie old high school boyfriend). The MC does not believe that her response to an empty LB was in anyway correct or justified.