I've confronted my WW and the OM and now my WW is going thru withdrawal and denial. My WW is very much withdrawn and it appears from her actions that contact with the OM may actually be over. Is this the time that I should do a full-press and notify everyone I can find and get them to intervene and confront my WW?

I don't want to take lightly this window of opportunity. I am getting conflicting information about what my next step should be. Some say stick to Plan A and just give it time, but I'm not sure my WW will stick with her agreeance not to see the OM. Below I've copied a portion of a guide I read from another site. Please give any comments/suggestions that you have.

Thanks again


5. Expose the affair. This is one of the hardest things for me to convince people to do. And it is the one of the most essential moves you can make – if not the most essential. This is more important than all the things listed above. If you do those and ignore this you are enabling the affair by making it safe and easy. Affairs are addictions that flourish in the dark and hidden places. They are fantasies built on deceit – of both the exterior world and the inner consciousness of the participants. Often times it is only with exposure that affairs end.
Tell – Your family, your straying spouse’s family, your friends, his/her friends, your church family, the affair partner’s family, friends, and colleagues. Now, this is not an opportunity to bash your wayward mate or the affair partner. This is a plea for help. Here’s what you say, “ My spouse is having an affair with <use the name>. I love him/her. I want to save our marriage and keep our family together. Please encourage him or her to do the right thing, end this relationship and all contact with <affair partner> and recommit to our marriage.

It is of critical importance that you tell the spouse of the affair partner, if he or she is married. This is by far one of the quickest ways to end an affair in progress. And that is the goal of Intervention. No matter what other things you do to heal your marriage you are doomed to failure as long as the affair continues.

Often people tell me they just can’t take this step because it is “mean.” They forget to look past the immediate present and the instincts driving them to the larger picture. The Intervention Phase is not about making the straying mate feel good, it’s about Intervening in an affair in order to protect the marital union. To do that, the unfaithful partner is going to feel bad about the steps you need to take. It only makes sense – they are doing something that grievously endangers the marriage and you are trying to stop that process. If your spouse is having an affair they are caught in the web of addiction. It is up to you to step out of your comfort zone and take steps to protect the marriage from that sickness. This is not being “mean” it is honoring your commitment to your marriage.
Timing: Immediately.

Where did you get the paragraphs about exposure?

As far as exposing her affair, you are beyond that point. The point of exposure is to end the affair. If it is ended, there is no reason to tell.

EXCEPT in the case of the OP's spouse. The OP's spouse should be told NO MATTER WHAT so she can protect herself from him and so that she can ensure that the affair doesn't resume from that end.

I'm just afraid all this I'm going thru will be for nothing. See this is not a new person in her life. We were separated and were attempting a reconciliation. My WW dated the OM while we were separated and when we reconciled she agreed to end their R then. Unbeknownst to me she had kept contact with the OM! I contacted the OM and confronted him and according to her he was upset with her because he had no idea we were back together.

So as you see, I just don't know how good her word is at this point. She told me she cut contact with him before we attempted to reconcile and NOW I see why we had such a hard time, she was still communicating and seeing the ONE person that could sabotage our reconciliation.

BTW) I picked up that information on the exposure from saveyourmarriagecentral lol

What about exposing to OP's job? Everyone here knows about A, but OM world is still safe. He used his job's travel privledges to support A.

Should he be exposed at work?

See this is tricky I'm sure with some digging I could find some info on his place of work, but my WW said the A is over. I dont know if I can believe her. I see no signs of them still communicating. Meaning i can account for her time, phone usage at home, no late nights out...

So I'm afraid if I expose her it will sabotage my efforts, and I'm also afraid if I dont expose her she will continue the R with OM and guess what? sabotage my efforts.

What a predicament?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FamilyMatters:
<strong>
BTW) I picked up that information on the exposure from saveyourmarriagecentral lol </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FM, you do understand that this advice is for a spouse who is STILL IN an affair, right? The entire purpose of exposure is to end the affair. If your W has ended the affair, there would be no reason to expose. NOW, if she resumes it, you should take out a billboard! But if you expose it now, it will serve no purpose except to infuriate her. And if you are going to infuriate her, it should be for a good reason.

gotcha Melody...
I'll just be patient and if I see signs of her still seeing the OM I'll then launch my ad campaign. I just hope she's really cut contact. I mean we've been back together for over a year and she was still seeing OM. I also hope she cut contact FOREVER this time because she is obviously suffering and she needs to get this part over with, or whats the use. I feel for her going thru this and if she just goes into a loop of withdrawal pain only to go back it seems senseless.

FM -

I think you could use exposure now to ensure the A doesn't heat back up.

I used exposure long after the A was over but I had no way of knowing that at the time and my H was still very resentful of me for him having to end the A. Exposure to OW's H lifted my H's fog. It also removed any chance my H might have had to resume the A. I can't say that he would have gone back into it but I can tell you he had not committed himself to saving our M at that time. He did not see his A as being wrong...seeing OW's H turned on a light for him and he is now a different person with a different outlook on the A.

I think that you could harm your recovery by using the "billboard" exposure technique. By this I mean telling everyone and anyone that will listen to you. That technique should be used if the A is not ended on or close to D-Day. (IMHO)

You can however, expose to close family members or people you trust to support you and help you ensure the A is over and doesn't resume. That will be something you will have to assess.

Also, keep in mind that you will have to face the people you expose to. When you expose do not paint an ugly picture of your WW. Let the person you are telling know why you are telling them and that you love your W dearly and want to save your M. This will make it much easier after you are long on your way to recovery.

These are the things I've learned from my experience. I can tell you that I have good friends that I can't face now because when I exposed I drug my H's name through the mud....I am humilated and so is he. I wish I had known that before.

See if your wife is willing to write a no contact letter. That is the next step.

It should say - Dear OM - I love my husband and we have decided to work on our marriage. Please do not contact me for any reason.

Then you should mail the letter to him. You will find out how serious she is. Many WS's (including my WS) will say it is pointless, and refuse to send it.

WOW! Thanks so much for your input <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
My situation is a little different because the OM is not married and according to him he had no idea that my WW was back home in a R with her husband. I think she kept up the charade of being seperated even after we reconciled. This is painful because to me it confirms she was never commited to the reconciliation.

I think I will emlist people into this battle who are mutual friends or her friends. My WW doesn't have much family but I think we need some support here. She just doesnt realize how damaging having even a EA is. And yes she resents me very much, she would have me to believe that if it wasn't for me blowing the whistle to the OM that we could work on our M. In her own words, I need to leave because I really resent you contacting the OM.

What am I? Sam Sausage head, if I hadn't contacted him she would have kept up the A. Her credibility is shot big time!

FM -

She doesn't know what she's saying. I know it sounds crazy but she really doesn't. That's not to imply she won't eventually come out of the fog. How you treat her now can benefit you more then you know. By remaining by her side and showing you will love her for better or for worse will only help lift the fog.

Right now you are a sausage head to her...you're right. She sees you as nothing more then something standing in her way to having this "emotional" fix.....the OM.

When the fog lifts you'll be standing there ready to support her when she knows she should be supporting you. That's the glory of Plan A. It's not easy. A weaker person walks away. A weaker person gives up on their time investment in the marriage. It takes a backbone and a lot of love to get through this.

Once you get to recovery you will see that it was worth it. Not the A but the effort you put into Plan A.

Thanks for the encouragement; I truly need it.
I must be strong. It's also amazing how true all of the information i'm finding here at MB is! Its remarkable how common my situation is and how it a strange way things make sense. This FOG is sort of like a temporary insanity. Anyone struggling with the A if your reading this....do as I do "Think about the good old days with your WS". If it wasn't for a photobook of great memories and MB I might not have the strength to hang in there.

As always thanks for the support, my friend of 15 years can only say things like "Wow how are you hanging in there?" I dont blame him he hates to see me in pain and thats his motivation.

People who dont have experience with WS or information on WS's tell me instinctive things to do, not systematic, well-thought out things to achieve the goal of saving my marriage. My mom is another one who can only suggest for me to have her leave. I've somewhat limited my contact with them, because they can have an influence over my thinking and I need to stay on track.

FM -

I completely understand what you are saying about your friend. I have a friend that is very very negative about everything. She had been through an ugly D with her WH. She kept telling me that I would never feel the same about my H and that I would always see pictures of him with her in my head.

Luckily I had found MB by that time and I just distanced myself from her. I needed her support and all she was doing was ripping me apart inside.

I keep focusing on the good times...like you said. The days at the beach and the birth of our children...holidays with family....

You can do this. I know you can. I've read some of your other threads and it looks like you are getting some great advice.

How are things now? Are they getting better? Can you sleep?

People who dont have experience with WS or information on WS's tell me instinctive things to do, not systematic, well-thought out things to achieve the goal of saving my marriage. My mom is another one who can only suggest for me to have her leave. I've somewhat limited my contact with them, because they can have an influence over my thinking and I need to stay on track.

I hear you FM. I, too was amazed at how common of a situation I am in. Very few understand how much I want to save this marriage. It's actually HER family that supports me the most. My family (and my original counselor!) was telling me to divorce her within a week of this whole mess starting.

I don't know how you have managed to survive a year, though...I'm going on 5 weeks now and I'm an absolute wreck. I'm trying to Plan A my butt off, but she leaves to see him and throws it in my face leaving me very little time to be with her and obviously it's like repeatedly plunging a knife in my heart...such fun...

Good luck man! And thanks for your responses on my situation! I appreciate all on this board.

Heroswife..thanks for the response. Sleeping is weird these days. My compass is thrown off to a great degree but things are getting a little better because I now know what's going on. I can make sense of the process and that helps.

Trampled...I have been going thru this issue with her for over a year, but I didnt know it exactly. When we reconciled I believed she was committed to our M. I wanted to believe all contact with her and the OM had ceased so when I found out she was still in contact with him it sent us spiraling. Me from betrayal her from guilt and I now instead of displaying remorse I get all the common cop outs:

"You're too good for me"
"Save yourself"
"I dont want to hurt you anymore"

I realize also that I aided her in this cop out by being depressed about the situation. ARK hit this nail on the head when she said the WS will only fall further in withdrawal if you the BS are so outwardly filled with pain. This is so true, when I was venting my emotions of her deciet I thought it was expected, it was expected and normal but not helpful. The more I let her know how hurt I was the more she withdrew.

I still love her and I wish I could have applied Plan A months ago when we first reconciled. She was committed but I just LB'd her to death. My W and I were separated she had her own apartment and she gave it up to move back in. Then the LB's started coming and the fact she still had contact with the OM didnt help, so instinctively she went back to him emotionally.

What a preidcament, but all is not lost. My WS lives here and everyday is another day to show I can defeat my LB's and show her that being in that A will never make her as happy as being in our M. Todays a new day with new challenges, thanks for everyone support. I love my W and I want badly to rebuild our M the right way.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Question: I made mistakes when we began our reconciliation over a year ago.

One was not having a NO CONTACT letter sent to the OM.

Another was LB's. Instinctively I brought up my pain over their relationship over and over again.

Yet another, she started a hobby and it was her HOBBY...and I contested but eventually gave in. I now see that was a mistake. We should share everything, no secret lives no leisure time activites exclusively for her or me.

Yesterday I wrote her a letter and I expressed the importance of writing the "No Contact" letter and mailing it. I also stated that this was "NOT AN ULTIMATUM' but it was a necessary step into recovery and would enable me to feel safe with her.

No response yet either way. What should I do?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I think this is probably a question for Ark....

If you gave it to her yesterday are you sure she's read it and had time to digest it? I didn't find this site in time to request a NC letter. I asked my H to call her and tell her it was over and that I knew what was going on...which he did. Not nearly as effective as a letter.

I will comment on your W's hobby. I hope that she has continued this hobby and that you'll take the time involve yourself with her interest. This will work wonders for your M. You can learn to love anything if it will bring you W closer...even quilting (gasp)!

My H and I workout together...this is not something we did before but now we are completely addicted to this time.

One question: Have you forgiven your W? Has she asked for your forgiveness? If you have forgiven her have you told her you forgive her....I mean say the words out loud?

This might help your W with her guilt. I have had a similar conversation with Top_Rope. Maybe he'll check in on your post and offer suggestions.

Thanks for responding HW..but there are a few issues with her hobby. It is more like a 2nd business in the entertainment field. In fact that's how she met the OM. During our separation she sort of threw herself into this new life. In my eyes she reverted into a teenager and totally forgot her responsibities. Her pursuits became totally engrossing to the point she was leaving my daughter (who at the time was 11) at home alone at 1am, 2am...there was nothing I could do...She was having so much FUN and finally meeting all these celebrities, singing and what have you.

She ended up losing her apartment and living in a shelter. This was all going on during our separation. I didn't know about the OM then I just thought she'd lost her mind! I had physical custody of my son and she had custody of our daughter and until my D came to live with me I had no idea what my WW was going thru. Living in her car basically and totally out there so to speak.

The OM was a kid and could have fun with her pursuing these activities but couldn't support or aid her in anyway. I just didn't understand everything that was happening. Eventually the fog lifted and she wanted badly to repair our marriage. I also wanted my D to live with me full-time because she needed the stability and guidance of an adult parent, not a parent who wanted to be a kid again.

When she did come back it was great ar first, but slowly my feelings of disappointment and betrayal started surfacing. My W was starting back with throwing these entertainment industry shows every few months which required me to watch the kids while she was out. I pleaded that this was not good for a couple trying to reconnect, but she insisted she needed this outside interest to be happy. I had no idea that the OM was apart of that outside interest. I became suspicious of her comings and goings and moodswings in intimacy and what have you. Eventually my concerns led me to her cellphone which revealed a reoccuring number, which I phoned. It was of course the OM and according to him he had no idea my W was back with me. The OM said he had no intentions of being in the middle of our relationship and that their contact at this point was only a friendship.

Sorry that story is so long, but I wanted to share the whole story which might aid any advice people may submit.

Finally, the OM was hurt by my W's deceit, the relationship is supposedly severed. My wife has been showing the signs of withdrawal and I'm trying to institute Plan A, but to do that effectively it really would help if she would submit the "No Contact" letter. I need confirmation that this time she is seriously committed to making this M work. The emotional ties to the OM are interconnected with this hobby and I'm not sure they should continue. Don't worry I'm not bringing up the OM or the hobby these days. The Shows she throws are quarterly so I have a couple months before the next is due, that is if she continues to create them.

To answer your question: I have not totally forgiven her for her A with the OM. I have not totally forgiven her for in my opinion abandoning our D while she pursued her own interest. I also have not forgiven her for the financial strains she's put on this family in her attempts to "feel free" at any and all cost. BUT I still love her and I recall a time when she was Fantastic, grounded moreso than me. I don't understand what happened to my W, but I want to see her thru these issues.

Blah I'm typing too much...thanks for listening.

Oh one more thing people...

My life is a mess....

I need to tell someone this. I was romantically involved with someone, but once me and my W started reconciling 2 years ago i ended that and focused on my wife. Now I realize she didn't focus on me. And now that I find out all of this guess what? 3 minutes ago I get a phone call from a unrecognized number and it is the woman I was involved with that I loved and have serious emotional ties to.

I dont know what to do. I have my W who has been lying to me and deceiving me for over a year and now I get a phone call from my ex girl friend who I severed ties with.
My wife is continually telling me to move on, that she's not worth my pain, all these typical withdrawal spirit crushing comments...and who calls me?
The one woman I didn't need to hear from, NOT NOW! I dont know if I'm stong enough to perserve. What would you do? You have a wife who's been lying to you, who you restructured your entire life to work thru your M with and she lied, decieved and betrayed your trust.

This Plan A is hard and believe me I wouldn't seek out a femal companion now, I wouldn't dare go out with anyone, but this is just alot of temptation. I'm trying hard not to deal with this person whom I had a EA/PA with during our separation. This was way before MB's and after my W decided she wanted a divorce. We were separated for over 2 years and eventually I started living again.

Anyway, let just say my situation is getting dicier and dicier. I guess I have to do some soul searching about what's important to me.

I love my wife and that's my decision, but damn the irony! You wanna talk about bad timing, I just found out a week ago that my wife's been having an ongoing affair, she's not showing me any affection, and she's tells me repeartedly to move on, save myself and then my ex calls out of the blue.

There is just so much a person can bare... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

FM -

I had no idea. I honestly thought her 'hobby' was a typical hobby...biking, knitting, scrapbooking...but never anything like you describe. I'm trying to read between the lines of what this hobby is and I can come up with only a few things that would require or allow this type of behavior.

All of this and she had custody of your D?!?!? I do not think I saw your situation to be as serious or as destructive as it is.

I'm sure the impact of your W's behavior will be harsh on your 11 yr. old D. I would even suggest getting her into IC as soon as possible. Seeing this behavior from your W will mislead her about her own sexuality. At this age in life she needs a firm parent to guide her as she transitions into a woman.

I take back everything I said about you being supportive of your W's hobby. It sounds destructive and not favorable for a recovery. If you have read SAA I think you'll see that SH would support that statement.

I think it might be a good idea for you to create a new thread asking some of the long standing members of this board to comment on your W's hobby.

Have you read SAA? Have you also ready HNHN? Both are great books and you can buy them from this site.