I wonder if this woman has any conscience at all. She went with me to a church class last night when I didn't expect her to go. We weren't home more than 30 minutes and she was off to the bar to be with him, not getting home until after midnight. It's really messed up because it's not a secret, but I'm still pouring on the love. I feel like I'm being used...I mean she's got it all now, she's got her cake and is eating it, too. House, family, financial security, and a boyfriend which is no secret.

How do I implement Plan A if she has refused to stop seeing him? I feel like a doormat...hence the trampled...

Hmm sounds like Plan B time to me...either that
or expose the A to people that might have influence over her.


Is the OM married?

No, he's not married...just some stupid kid. Just about everybody knows now! She has isolated herself from everybody and if anybody says he anything to her she just runs...runs...runs...she's in total escape mode.

I would like to call OM and talk to him, but she has threatened me harshly if I do. At this point she isn't ready to file, but threatens to if I talk to him. I just don't know what to do at this point.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Trampled:
<strong> No, he's not married...just some stupid kid.

I would like to call OM and talk to him, but she has threatened me harshly if I do. At this point she isn't ready to file, but threatens to if I talk to him. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This sounds just like my situation, what is it what makes dumb kids seem so attractive lol??

I confronted the OM thinking he was pursuing my wife only to discover he thought we were separated or divorced. After exchanging information such as her lying to me saying she had a conference to attend for work in reality she was at a family reunion event with his family...lol I laugh to keep from punching a wall or crying. I'm actually very hurt by all this.

She resents me big time because he supposedly dumped her after our phone call. My WW is gives me the evil eye these days, nice harsh looks that could cut glass, but I feel I did the right thing.
If I were you, I'd confront the OM but be sure you dont start the conversation like I did
"Why the eff are you calling my wife?"
Turns out the poor kid was just as mislead as me. We talked for 20 minutes and he asked me to call him back so we could talk further. I thought that was improper and told him take care and that I didnt mean to disrespect HIS MAMA"S HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!

Yes my wife is actually thinking about ending our marriage because I sabotaged her A with a kid that lives with his mama and in his own words he said "I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm still a youngin (25)".

Keep your bearings, dont do anything crazy but you definetly need to take some action. You confronted her and she continues the A. You cant go on like this you might snap and do something rash! Seriously, this is how people end up accidentally falling on a knife 15 times! I'm just kidding but please someone give the friend some concrete advice. I would hate to see him lose it, she is being very disrespectful and I'd bet good money that kid doesnt know everything because he'd be scared you'd meet him outside the bar.

Believe me, most OM's dont have the type of guts that this kid is displaying. Its probably not guts that has him in public places with someones wife knowing the H knows...it can only be ignorance and not knowing the full truth.

I would like to call OM and talk to him, but she has threatened me harshly if I do.
What's she gonna do? Have an affair with him?

Eggzackly!
And besides that Trampled i dont think you can take this much longer. Even if she does leave after you contact him...its better than you getting upset. I mean she is humiliating you in public, infront of everyone you know. Now that I think about it...its possible the OM knows because maybe a mutual friend has shed some light on him by now.

I would still confront him. She is commiting adulterey and you are married yah know. She's gonna file for a divorce? She might file for a divorce anyway right? I'm going to be quiet and let someone else respond, but I strongly feel doing nothing cannot be healthy for you.

FamilyMatters-this is scary...this kid is 25 and he lives with his parents!! Deja Vu?

I'm pretty confident he doesn't know the full story. I'm pretty sure he knows she's married, but she told me once that she told him how, "she felt". In other words, I'm sure she fed him full of BS. I just want to confront him and tell him that I love my wife and do not want my marriage to end. I have no intention of getting in his face...as much as I want to.

I really don't know if this is the right thing to do or not, though. I mean in all reality he is not the problem. He is pretty much a victim, too, but even if I get it to stop, she's going to resent me so much that she'll probably leave anyway. I'm just not sure if confronting him would really gain me anything. It's her that's the problem.

Why not let the OM's parents know about his relationship with your wife as well? You stated that she went to church with you the other night and then went with OM to a bar. Let your pastor know about the affair as well. Your wife is obviously wanting to keep up the appearance of being married, make it hard for her to do so. Who is the bread winner in your family? If she is a housewife, the OM will not be able to support her financially. Unless she is willing to move in to his partents house, NOT!

I've been going to a new church and neither one of us knows anybody there. I did approach a pastor she had been talking to. She blatantly ignored that pastor's request (she promised the pastor she would not see him for a weekend before she went to see her shrink for her anti-d meds). So now she has basically shut herself off from that pastor, her family, her friends, everybody but him.

I'm still very nervous about approaching him. Not that I'm bothered by him at all, but I'm just afraid in her condition (again the depression) she will continue to run, possibly in another direction. I am very concerned about her well being in all of this, too. Basically, I'm just a sap...she can probably see that and continues to use me. I know I have to put a time limit on this and if nothing changes I will approach OM. I just don't have a good feel right now what that time limit should be.

I agree that you are in a tough spot. I tend to prefer the "Tough Love" approach, but am the first to admit that it's not a one-size-fits-all solution. I still feel that you should send a letter to your WW, the OM and his parents to let them know that you are committed to recovering your marriage. You may also want to send a copy of the letter to members of her family that can influence her actions. Tell them all that the current situation is unacceptable. Accept your fair shame of the blame for the current state of your marriage, but do not be a doormat. Establish a timeline for moving into Plan-B and stick to it. She may very well look to leave the house and set up camp somewhere else, again don't walk on eggshells. You are giving her total control of the situation and, in my opinion, you may want to establish some ground rules. How are your finanaces? Does your WW have a job? If not, I would not allow her to spend money that you have earned on the OM or for activities involving the OM. This may mean taking her name off of any credit card and bank accounts. Othere here may disagree with my approach and may have better ideas than I have presented here.

I intend to talk to my counselor this week about the whole boundary issue. I've been seeing a counselor ever since this started for myself and it's helped out quite a bit. I was really unhappy about my situation as well and I have initiated a lot of change in my life to try and pull things together. I came to the conclusion this needed to be done for me, but in the back of my mind I was hoping she would notice as well.

I'm trying to crack down on the fininacial issues, she was unemployed for several months (not helping her depression any) and just recently started work. I'm going to give her a bill for the last month which will basically wipe out her first paycheck. That's really going to piss her off. I am then going to take her access to the money I am earning away. I've already told her I'll help out with her health needs (anti-Ds, counseling, etc.) but I flat out refuse to support the destructive actions she is pursuing, i.e. any money spent on activities with him.

I'm still trying to figure out the best way to confront OM. I have his cell number, but don't know anything else about him. I've tried to figure out where he lives, but unsuccessfully. My bro-in-law (her brother) has told me he would confront him with me (which would help alleviate any stupidity on my part hopefully). If things don't start getting better soon I'm going to ask him to "bar-hunt" with me until we find them hanging out and confront the lot of them, WW, OM, and OM's friends that she's hanging out with. Right now I don't think actually calling him is going to be overly constructive. I fully agree with what Family said, I'm pretty confident he doesn't know the full story. He knows she's married, but she told me once that all she has told him is "how she feels" which basically means she's painting me as the monster of all monsters and letting his imagination run wild. Of course the first couple of weeks that this started, I didn't exactly do my best to reflect otherwise. I've gained a great deal of control since then through support, folks like you, books like Dr Harleys, and the church.

I'd like to hear other opinions on contacting the OM, I might start another thread just for that.

Trampled:

I wish I'd confronted RM after D-day, and then I don't. Reason is, I didn't know enough to say the right things at the time. Now I do.

It's been said by Penny Tupy (MB trained marriage coach) that if you do something that angers the WS, it's usually a sign that you did something right.

Penny Tupy's website has sample "exposure" letters that would probably be very helpful for you right now.

It's here: http://saveyourmarriagecentral.info...44008616&f=303002716&m=238106042

I would NOT confront him in person, particularly with your BIL in tow, and DOUBLY particularly at a bar! Too many scenarios that could put you in jail, or worse, come to mind in that kind of situation.

What you want to do is get straight to the point, be as non-antagonistic as possible, and clearly state that you love your W and want to rebuild your marriage.

Then have no further communication with him.

best,
-Qfwfq

Trampled,

Read carefully ... Chris pointed out you have to confront OM !.

A has to be open up if WS doesn't want to stop otherwise it is a big time enablement. Look for WAT's thread on contacting OM, Affair Exposure

-rh-